I am a not a good man

[Anon35Participant]

Hi, I am a 35 male who has suffered with intense anxiety, mental health issues since around 2010.  I have been on her before, but decided to take a break.  I am married for 10 years, have a 2 year older daughter & have a stable job that isn’t too hard, which sometimes I tend to enjoy.  I am here because I have had a serious issue in my marriage.  I would say I have always found women attractive, think about good looking women I see, think about them as I find them attractive.  This sometimes give me a lot of grief in my head because I don’t want to always be thinking about women, I feel ashamed of it and embarrassed, I feel like a complete creep.  I have a journal or anxiety diary as I call it, that I write in often, to see my thoughts, to challenge them, to help me through them.  Thinking about women I find good looking and attractive isn’t intrusive, it’s a nice thing to think about, but what gives me the guilt is that I know it’s slightly obsessive, which is why I am here.  I wrote in my diary the thoughts that were worrying me, thinking about a women I know from work, and I was feeling guilty about that, and I wanted to write the thoughts down as they were, without feeling shame.  I don’t want to feel ashamed of feeling this, but I am ashamed that I am not respecting my wife.  That’s not fair, and it’s not acceptable.  My diary was left open on the kitchen bunker & she caught a glimpse of it and read it.  We had a conversation and I explained that it’s only a thought about, thinking about someone I do find attractive, that it’s not real life.  It’s just me being who I am, that I can assure her this has never left my head, that it’s in my book because I have been learned to challenge my thoughts this way.  She says it’s what I wrote and the person it involved, and I didn’t know how to console her or even defend myself.  I don’t think I can & I don’t really want too, I just want her to trust me that it’s just thinking about her.

I have been faithful for all our life, 17 years, never had any desire to speak to any women outside of work, I don’t message, I don’t talk to people, I never engage my real life with people other than my wife.  I am not going up to women and talking to them that I’ve never met, but yes I do like it when a good looing women talks to me, I am after all attracted to women.  I said I think sometimes I am flirty, but I don’t think I am, I am just friendly and obsessing over every thought that enters my brain and what it means, which is the purpose of the diary.  I know that’s true but I feel utterly ashamed of myself, having panic attacks, thinking my life is well and truly over.  That family and friends will hate me, go against me, I’ll never see my daughter again because of this whole thing.  It’s terrifying me.  I think imagine my wife did this, I would be maybe surprised but I wouldn’t leave her, I would try to understand, I hope she can for me.  I feel like cheating on my wife would be better than this, at least then I’d truly feel like I’d been a total clown.  I just feel I maybe had a wee crush, was thinking about her and I wrote it down so I can figure out what it means, that’s pretty much what this is.

We have been happy recently and we have expressed how I think we need to be more together so we have been really trying and it’s been good.  I just don’t know how I can get through this and I’m constantly thinking about it, can’t get out my head, want to find a way of trying to explain better, without sounding like I love the other person or something, I did tell her I do think she’s good looking and that, but that’s it, that I was just having a little thought about someone, but it’s only that, it’s not my desire.  I don’t really even like the women, she annoys me, but she has always been one of those people who talks about others and sometimes that does create a thought in my brain.  What ever it is I don’t know if she can forgive, I hope she can trust me, that it’s just silly.
As I’ve said I find this to be an OCD issue because I can’t get it out my head, it’s just the same thought around and around my head, like I am incapable of finding a way to handle the situation so don’t really know how to go about this.  I’ve been really terrible and not considering her feelings, not taking a moment to say, maybe don’t think about this as much, maybe if she was to know she would be hurt.  I did think that, I was writing it down in my journal because I was feeling poorly about it, just didn’t think she would read it on the bunker, it was left open and she’s always said she wouldn’t read things.  So I am feeling incapable of figuring out what it is specifically I need to admit to doing wrong, am I allowed to say thoughts are thoughts only unless I want them to become actions.  I have explained yes I have thought would I want to be with these women in real life and I’ve never felt that way, none of them have the personality of my wife.

I don’t know if there’s any advice on marriage here, but maybe there’s advice on how to handle my own thoughts about this so I can see sense. I do watch adult material, but not that often, and I think there’s something missing in our marriage, or I’m just physically driven.  Plus the guilt that I’ve hurt my wife in such a way, the mother of my child, I just feel the lowest I’ve felt.  I have always been open with her, she knows I watch adult material, she just says to keep it to myself, but sadly this time I left a stupid journal open on the bunker that she seen.  I have also told her over the years that I do think other women are attractive but that’s just where it stops.

I feel I am at my wits, and I’m the one who messed up.  I want to to tell her that I will make myself stop if I think of those thoughts about that person, and make a conscious effort to respect her feelings, and also that I am kind of glad she knows, as I feel it’s a bit of a weight off my shoulders.  I just feel worse because she thinks I’m revolting and disgusting, because it was about women, which is quite a common enjoyment for men.  I’m not so sure she will ever understand that, I don’t think she will and will always see me as revolting.

Please any help even if it’s nasty, I don’t care.  I think I’m a good husband but I’m not respectful enough and I’m ashamed of myself.  I even considered telling her I think about it often and about specific women but I didn’t, I knew it would hurt her, so I avoided it

[Anon35ParticipantParticipant]

I spoke to my wife earlier.  She says she doesn’t mind we having these thoughts. She said really truthfully it’s not that, it’s the fact you thought and think about it, said you wanted to do it that has planted an image in her brain.  It is brutal to hear her say that, I don’t want her to feel that, to me it’s just having a little thought I didn’t want to even defend myself I just know that would be a really crap thing to read.  I do remember when we first started out together she told me she stayed at a guys house.  I couldn’t handle that either, I think nothing happened, I also decided it was pointless doing anything without evidence, so I know what it’s like to hear something you don’t like.  I get the feeling she won’t likely be able to forgive me for having thoughts about someone I know from work, but still trusts me.  All I hope is that she trusts me until the end.  I want to be with her but she’s not as into it as much as me, but we are trying, so this is what is making me feel so bad, that I’ve just made her feel so insecure.  I don’t want to hid things, I like to be honest, just didn’t want her finding out like that.

I do think I have an issue with thinking about it too much and get infatuated when people are nice to me, and maybe just have it on the brain way too much, or there’s something else there like I feel I like the thought of someone else as its taboo.  What ever it is, I know it’s not my true feelings, if I truly have a feeling for something I’ll not really second guess myself ever.

Just feel terrified and bad for how she feels and I made her feel that way, that she will in weeks to come just decide that’s it, plus the added fact the women night herself find out it’s because I said I think about other women and she was one of them.

There was a scene on king of queens where Carrie says to Doug one of her thoughts is Decon, his best friend and it destroys him.  That’s not real life though but I can see how it’s one of hers.

I just need some advice so I can at least move forward with a clearer head.  I’m gone emotionally

[johna2Participant]

These thoughts normal. Most, if not all, people do it. Even monks and nuns. Men will think about others when they are having with their partners. Women probably do the same. But we pretend that we don’t. Probably because we’ve been indoctrinated into thinking it’s wrong.

I don’t think it’s a problem you thinking of other people. But if I were you I wouldn’t keep any more diaries.

Just be honest with your wife. Maybe you don’t talk about intimatey themed stuff often enough. Obviously, try to be sensitive towards her, and don’t pester her for those conversations, but just try to challenge your thinking and hers a bit.

I guess you have anxiety because you have a sensitive conscience along with a high physical drive. Try to cut yourself a bit of slack and try not to let your conscience over-burden you.

[Anon35ParticipantParticipant]

That’s what I’m trying to tell myself, for give myself a break.  What has hurt her is that I was saying it’s a women I know from work who I know fine we’ll I am not attracted too emotionally, her personality is terrible, but she a very open person who talks about being with men and that’s why I think I have had thoughts about her.  My wife doesn’t like much intimate talk and I’ve respected that my whole marriage, it’s not just about that and that’s not why I fell in love with her.  So I feel like everyone is against me, in a failure and terrified she is going to leave me, I don’t guess she is but if she can’t get the thought out her head of what she read then I would suspect thats not going to be fair on her.  I have been so honest and even stated in these worry diaries, it’s thoughts I’d like to challenge, that I am not wanting to always be around, that I am trying to figure out, it’s how I cope, so basically I said I would never write any of those things and down and find other ways to deal with it, but that they are just thoughts that come up now and again.  I admitted maybe I think about it alot and I am quite aware of it is all.  I am aware of it and have always questioned it, to the point it’s ok to think about fantasies but don’t obsess over it.

Sadly when I’ve got anxiety and what ever else I will at some point get myself obsessed over it and unable to stop thinking of it.

Thats where I am having issues, like I don’t know how I need to be feeling, or if I am in the wrong, or if I need to change, so I just go around and around.

I’m ashamed my family find out, her family too that I have had thoughts about other women’s [content edited by moderators] think it’s nice and I was just battling with myself as to why I’m thinking of this women in that way, and wanting to journal it, so I can figure out whats true and what’s false, and it does work, as I need to have things written down to help me work through it.  My brain can’t turn off, so I need to write stuff down

[Anon35ParticipantParticipant]

I think I am anxious eveyr second of every day and therefore I am quite highly physically strung I think.  Usually when drunk or totally relaxed I barely even think about it, never mind a specific women.  My issue is, I do get myself infatuated with a good looking women, I don’t act on it, but I like to think about it with some of them every now again and specific details, I don’t see that as unhealthy, I just feel guilty for it and can’t seem to handle this anymore.  I feel like I am confused, what is this, as I know good and well when I think deeper into feelings, these women are not people I want to be with romantically.  I am very much aware of what initially attracts me to a women, nice person and it’s not her.  I feel gulty for having these thoughts and it’s destroying me, as if any women came up to me and said I’m thinking wat you’re thinking, I’d panic, because ten it’s real and I don’t want it to be real.  I feel like I’ve cheated and my wife will leave me when I know i’ve not, and was actually feeling guilty for thinking about other women which is why I as jotting down.  She said what I jotted down was too descriptive, and repulsed her to think of it.  Why I don’t know, I am thinking about legal things, nothing is law breaking but it feels like she thinks I’m a creep and that’s what is hurting me.

what’s hurting her is the simple fact she read it and as visualized it, and part of me says well can’t you visualize me doing it with you?  I won’t do the things I’ve written, I don’t care what we do, but I feel like you are not bothered about it at all and I’ve just got used to it, both of us have and that’s the way it’s been.  We had great fun having a baby, but since then, no real reason to do it, so I feel like well she doesn’t find me attractive and enjoy thoughts in my had, none of them harmful.  I said there’s sometimes just some specific parts about people or women I like that would make a man think about them but not a whole package.

What I know I’ve done wrong is leave my diary out for her to see.  I knew it was on the bunker and didn’t think she would read it, but she caught a glimpse.  So I know what she is saying, that I haven’t protected her from that.

[Anon35ParticipantParticipant]

To add to all this, I’m even terrified now if I see the women I work with, as I feel It’s harmless, I never express it and I keep my boundaries.  I said sometimes I worry I am flirting but I don’t think I am.  I am friendly with everyone and I don’t want people thinking I am flirting, even if I did, I know it’s harmless to me, but wouldn’t be my wife.  So I said all I can do is be completely aware of how I come across to people and intend to do that, as my life with you means much more than a person I work with.  She knows I am very friendly and says she’s sully trusts me and I don’t want it to come across as anything different.  I’m at my wits end I feel like I have no future anymore, like I’ve been caught committing a crime.

[johna2Participant]

Hopefully your wife will get over it.

I don’t think you have done wrong, just that you were, maybe, foolish to leave that diary hanging around. But then again, if your wife knew it was your private diary, you are entitled, maybe, to feel annoyed that she took it upon herself to read it.

What is wrong with a married man, say, thinking of a woman he knows at work, especially If his partner is not specially interested any longer?

It’s a dilemma. Many people go through it. But I fail to see what right any woman has to judge you if she’s not that bothered about you.

The worry you have about her leaving you; do you think that’s your insecurity? If so, talk it through with your wife. Try to come to an understanding.

Would you say that your wife is a bit prudish? I mean some thoughts about underwear wouldn’t seem to me to be extreme in any way.

Seriously, if I were you I’d ask her to sit down and talk through everything. Even if she is shocked and angry, I’m sure she’ll calm down before long. But if you don’t talk it may continue as an unresolved issue.

I’ve had issues like this with girlfriends in the past. It’s rarely, if ever, totally fault on one side only.

[Anon35ParticipantParticipant]

Thanks Johna.  We have talked massively tonight and I told her why I think those thoughts, what it means.  It means yes there is times I find her good looking, I will think those thoughts about her as I am just a man,that it only goes there, just a thought.  I explained I wasn’t feeling good about myself always thinking about it, always being on my mind and that’s something I have been aware of for many years.  That was hard for me to actually say but I said it.  I said I would happily go without it to you for the rest of my life, and maybe I’ve got used to not doing it and I am to blame for that also.  I said I cannot turn off my thoughts and I don’t find them scary, I panic and feel guilty for them and that’s what my problem and worry was.  Why am I always thinking of that women, I need to write this down, I don’t like her that much, she’s ok, but she’s open about it and is one of those people so that’s always good for a man.  That’s all it is.

She says she knows I fancy other women and I didn’t deny it, she says she doesn’t mind, she just cannot believe I thought it of someone she classes as ” skanky ” which ironically is the attraction for me, which j didn’t disclose, as that’s not the type of person I want to be with.  A one off when I was single of course, but she added that sometimes I talk about women and don’t realise and she was hurt that I was writing in the diary about a women as she was sitting next to me.  She said it will take her long to get over it to feel better about herself, and me, but knows I would not cheat which made me feel much better.  I said I just have never lied to you, I can’t lie to you, I want to be honest and I want you to tell me things, anything no matter how messed up it is, I will feel great If you do because I’ll feel like you’ve needed me and it’s nice to be needed.  She’s not an open person and that’s fine, but she is an amazing person.  The reason I am not angry is because I think I have been wanting to tell her as I always feel guilty for my thoughts about other women and I don’t want too live with that burden.  Its going to give me a heart attack if I continue to stress.  I said the thoughts are random, come in and it’s a nice thought then I will think about it and move on.  Yes what I wrote down was [content edited by moderators] , basically I wrote it down exactly as my head said it, and then I work through the thoughts to see what they mean.  Maybe it’s normal and I can control it better, I’m sure people here know about the four questions, for the thoughts being true, against, other ways, action plan etc. The thoughts fill me with shame and I end up telling myself I’m a freak, bad and disgusting which was only reinforced when she said she found it disgusting, so I am not at all sure how to turn off the thoughts or let them be.  I understand infatuation is likely at play, and there is ways to get out of that.  I don’t know if this is a good chat, it felt good and she said she loved me before bed.  I want to be less forward with women and I don’t want to be that guy who’s regarded as creepy at work, so I don’t want to have anything come across as creepy.  Yes I like talking to women as I find it easy, but I can learn to be more respectful to my wife and adopt the policy of if she would not like this conversation I will stop it.  I don’t think there’s anyone I can say I have ever felt I wanted to be with, because I’ve never given myself the opportunity.

Regards her leaving me, yes I am so Insecure, I don’t feel I can live alone, I don’t feel I can be a Dad alone, I don’t think I am worth much value and would be left completely alone with nothing.  That’s a fear of mines so I think I need to do something about that.  For starters I can be better with money and saving so I know I can be fine, I always run out of money and use our joint account, I make less money as well so that scares me.  I could try and clear my overdrafts a bit so I have no outstanding personal debt and that would make me feel more in control of myself.

I think there’s plenty I can be better at.  I just don’t know how to not feel guilty about the thoughts or how I can move forward and be happy with my desires.  I was 19 when my friends raided my computer and found out what I was watching, I was shamed by them for it, couldn’t face the world, so when this happened it felt the same, so I don’t want to go down that route of shame again.  I told my wife years back about that after keeping it to myself for so long and she didn’t even care, she said is that it?  I said aye, she said well I respect it and know you are going to have desires or watch adult stuff.  She has been here for me through it all, I can’t return the favor by not appreciating her feelings, so I want to find a way to move forward being a man, but also not allowing myself to burden my head with shame over my thoughts  They are nice thought so and if I was single I would probably would not worry about them.

I said yes one week I might fancy Britney spears, the next week I might fancy Margot Robbie, or have a man crush on Brad Pitt.  Its the same with actual people, I just know that’s all it is and the desire to do anything a about it doesn’t exist.  Like I wanted a can of red bull earlier so I went to the shop and got a can.

Maybe I do have an issue with these thoughts, I don’t know.  Maybe it’s because I’m always anxious and when I think about its my body’s response.

[Anon35ParticipantParticipant]

My only issue is on top of this I am feeling completely confused.  Am I meant to feel bad for thinking about people I know, should I punish myself for it, or am I just to be respectful of my wife.  I feel like it’s a case of these thoughts are ok, just protect my wife from them.  She said it was the hurt of writing down while she was there like I just didn’t care and she’s right, it’s bad and I didn’t even think or respect her for that, it’s the same as just saying it randomly to her and expecting her to be like yeah that’s cool.

I just can’t get passed the guilt I have now and basically will feel totally ashamed every time I think about anyone, and I feel like I am living a lie, that my head is meant to be open for everyone to see, and I don’t know if I want to feel that way.  I don’t want people to know if I’m [content edited by moderators] That’s what I do and it hasn’t caused me any major problems in my life.   I am not going about work or outside like just having no impulse control.  And I’m not getting thoughts and then acting on them in terms of releasing it, it’s just nice to have them.  I will always use other tools for things like that,  like online material and that’s not every single day either.  So I am literally scared now of the thoughts which is my actual battle that I don’t know how to fight.

I have these thoughts because I like them and I can’t control that, I can however learn how to control infatuation, and as I say when I am highly stressed like I am now it’s increased tenfold, and I want to be able to quieten the thoughts.

I said to my wife I will not be able to say more on the matter as it’s took everything out me and I hope if she ever needs to express a secret she will knowing that I have not shyed away.  I thanked her for not going off her head at me, and for trying to listen.  That also is an amazing quality of hers and a reason I chose her.  She’s a nice person deep down and right through and I knew that when I met her, how caring she is of others and I’ve never wanted anyone else

[johna2Participant]

Why don’t you talk to your doctor and ask if he can put you in touch with a counsellor? He may be able to help with the anxiety you are suffering. A good talk to someone in person would give you an opportunity to air your thoughts in a therapeutic environment,

[Anon35ParticipantParticipant]

I have done that, even done abasic CBT course.  I did 6 weeks with a counsellor and it helped, but I never spoke that I think of it that often or what it means and that it feels terrible when I do.  That now after my wife spoke with me I’m scared to think the thooghts because I don’t want to stop thinking about them, it’s not a big deal,so when they come in it’s like an intrusive thought and I panic.  So I don’t know how to not feel the guilt about it, I want to believe to myself, it’s fine just don’t tell your wife it’s your own private head.

I also when sleeping will think a out different women, being with them, or any form of scenario that’s just made up because it’s not real and I’m not going to lie there and think about life that’s real.  And I am now questioning every thought in my head.  I just think I need someone to say it’s ok to think like that, it’s part of being human, and your wife is ok with it as long as you respect her and don’t let her know.  It seems like a pretty fair wife to me but I am still unable to believe it.  Maybe I will try and speak with someone else that wasn’t the same counselor but unless I tell my surgery I am ready to do something stupid I won’t get referred to a waiting list for psychology and it’s a year.  I think I’d like to talk to someone again but I don’t know who.  The UK will just offer me a mental health nurse, then direct me to online things, that’s it basically.  Unsure at all what it is that’s the problem.  Obsessive thinking, addict, weird person, I don’t know what I am to be honest.  I am sure I’m not an addict, and they say men think of it every 6 seconds or something, I don’t feel like I do that, my problem with anything in life is the way in which I react to my thoughts.  I don’t want to feel guilty for thinking of a good looking women, it’s totally normal and it’s like I’m ashamed of being so physically driven

[Anon35ParticipantParticipant]

It’s just hard.  My wife couldn’t have been more understanding.  I am gutted she said she thinks less of me, for me thinking normal man thoughts.  I have never felt any harm in thinking lovely thoughts about women, why can’t I enjoy that, it’s not a crime.  I am only truly sorry for letting her know and see what I wrote as that is foolish of me as you say.  I am in agreement with that, but I feel completely unable to think now, or want to let myself think about women because I am now in the mindset of ” This is wrong, stop it, then I feel guilty, then I question it all, and then that makes me panic ” and what my question now to myself is:

What does it mean?  Is this intrusive thoughts or just my reaction to my thoughts.  I now feel totally ashamed that I am thinking about it and I don’t want to be.  I like it when I can be friendly around nice women, why can’t I feel good about a women being nice to me, how is that not normal?  How is it also not normal for me to think this either, so I don’t have a clue how to even handle those thoughts, so I am fighting them away which is the problem, the fighting them away and trying to do that is a compulsion.  I don’t think they re intrusive either, I enjoy them, I just feel guilty about them, so I am now even thinking ” Can’t even watch online material now because when a thought of a women I know, if I know them comes in my head, I will feel like ” stop that thought, when I don’t want too, It’s just an imagination to help with our most natural thing ” – As I say I know exactly why I think specifically of her and it’s because she is very open, and I think that’s a little bit attractive but it’s not something I am entirely interested in pursuing.  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

All I want to do is continue to have my brain think the way it wants, but just be more aware of how I act around women, and yes it’s OK to look, but try and refrain from going over board on the thoughts.

Also feel bad for not commenting on other posts, I’d like to once I feel more in control of my own thoughts

[Anon35ParticipantParticipant]

This has just become my own blog story basically lol.  She said earlier I was to leave the room while she got changed and that hurt me more than anything, like I’m an invader and all I did was have a thought.  I know how it can hurt her but I have to continue feeling the shame like this?  It doesn’t seem fair at all, she wasn’t bad about it and I just said OK.  I usually sleep in bed different times anyway as we work different shifts and sometimes we do sleep in at same time, and I said well what about tomorrow night we are both up early so I’ve to go away, she says no it’s fine.  I said but now I won’t feel comfortable so I probably won’t, but I said I can’t understand am I too keep feeling guilty, I have done all I can and will do what I can but I just can’t pretend like I will stop being a man who thinks about it. She says I know, and seems to be fine with it.

I said well I remember when we first started dating you slept in the same bed as a friend and this was when we were serious, you openly told me.  I was horrendous for so long about that and decided to trust you, I said can’t I make a mistake?  Even though neither of them are mistakes unless a line was crossed but you shared a bed with an actual human, I only have those thoughts.  Her response was she knows she maybe shouldn’t have done that, so I suspect thats crossed her mind.  I think this has to be both ways, she has to try and understand I’m a male man who is attracted to women, and that I have to carry that burden and it doesn’t seem totally fair.  Both of us surely have to learn to be more open and understanding of mistakes.  Where my only mistake was letting her into my mind basically.  So I’m now angry about it, but also think that’s really selfish of me.

It feels like I’m not allowed to make foolish mistakes and she is?

Am I looking at this wrong?  I want to forgive myself and I can’t because I don’t truly know what I’m forgiving myself for

[Anon35ParticipantParticipant]

And I even earlier was maybe having a thought as normal, thoughts or what not about women blah blah, and then I then went to be with my wife, so I know I’m directing it to the correct person which I think is a sign I’m not a bad person at all, but I’m having a hard time handling the process of thoughts and concerned about us splitting up and everyone laughing at me.

They split up because he thinks about someone at work, then my colleague knows then the whole world knows, then I’m totally regarded as a complete nobody.

Men cheat and don’t even feel this bad, probably don’t even think twice about the damage.  Here I am being a husband torn to pieces for what I have made her feel like a that, but at the same time.

She said look I am just getting used to it all, and still says love you night.  So maybe I have to focus on how I handle this and stop interfering with how she handles things.

I just feel hurt that she’s ok with me watching online material, says it’s no issue but thinking about a women Is different because that women she regards as uglier than her.

I said I’d stop thinking about normal people ill make an effort not to, but I know that won’t happen, it’s not possible for a man, so I’d just be lying.  She has been saying no don’t do that so I think thanks for understanding, I will do my best to help you feel ok about it.  Then this incident jjst tears a hole in my heart.  I’m starting to think yeah I was foolish, but I have always gave and took all our marriage, and I’ve always let you make muck ups.

She says she and her friend were jjst friends and I said I know that’s why I was ok with it after a while and I’m glad I was, can’t you do the same for me?  She’s a work friend who I like to think about now and again, that’s it, and I will think about hundreds of different women before we die.

Please if anyone is reading this, I know it’s just madness to read or quite entertaining, just respond.  Tell me your stories.

[Anon35ParticipantParticipant]

I feel like she’s been pretty good but I am hurt too, because Its not one women I work with, it’s women in general, or people I find attractive, that’s it.  I was having a hard time with guilt myself and that’s why it was in my book.  She says it was that kind of story cause it had words and I said it was two sentences of what I was thinking and that’s the way that thought goes.  If you look through my journal you will find a section where I have had thoughts about men and written down the same things because If I write it down It sometimes just helps me get it out my head.  I said so in trying to be a better person I end up being a worse one.  She said it’s the fact I wrote it and left it open and not the thoughts.  I said I was drunk I didn’t even know I’d left the page open.  Am I being unfair or hard on myself?  Am I being hard on her?  I just don’t know.  She has said she has talked enough about it and now wants to just let time move on so she will get over it.

She even said last night she thinks this is better for us to be more open and that it will be good in the long run.  I just can’t carry this guilt, I’m generally not capable of it

[Anon35ParticipantParticipant]

And I just think I’ll always think of this, I’ll never be free or it, I will always have stress over it and in months years still feel the same way, guilt ridden, unable to be happy about my physical side and always feel embarrassed about it.

[Anon35ParticipantParticipant]

I think I just want to go down the route of “My wife is a good person and understanding, and im grateful she’s not went totally mental about it ”

And try my best not to feel guilty about who I think about.  I do that about so many insane things, it’s just fun and I’m starting to think that is the wrong word, I just think

 

[johna2Participant]

With regard to your first paragraph…..think, if you were doing it with your wife you would be ill advised to be talking about the woman next door at the same time. But if you were thinking about the woman next door, that would be OK, because your wife would know nothing of it. Thoughts are just thoughts. You have no real need to feel guilt over them and constantly confess to your wife or anyone. That is like a compulsion.

Second paragraph….I can assure you that you don’t need to feel guilty. Think of other women as much as you like. It harms no-one.

Maybe you could find a private counsellor on line for your area.

[Forum Moderators]

Hello:

Forum moderators writing; we’re sorry you’re going through such a difficult time living with your obsessive thoughts. We understand that you have had counselling, but you don’t say if it was for OCD.

And we also understand how frustrating it is waiting to be referred for therapy, as when you say:  Maybe I will try and speak with someone else that wasn’t the same counselor but unless I tell my surgery I am ready to do something stupid I won’t get referred to a waiting list for psychology and it’s a year. I think I’d like to talk to someone again but I don’t know who. The UK will just offer me a mental health nurse, then direct me to online things, that’s it basically.”

Since you’re having such difficult accessing treatment and therapy for OCD, why don’t you contact our OCD Action Helpline?

One of our Helpline volunteer who understands OCD, may be able to provide you with information on how to access appropriate treatment and therapy. And, if you’d like to talk to them about OCD and it’s impact on your life, they’re there to listen. You can contact our Helpline by:

• phone: 0300 636 5478
• email: support@ocdaction.org.uk

Also, there’s a “pinned” topic at the top of each forum called Questions about treatment or therapy? OCD Action can help!

It explains where you can find all of the resources on the OCD Action website about treatment and therapy.

We hope this is helpful for you,

Forum Moderators

[Anon35ParticipantParticipant]

I feel I need go add to this.  I have managed to accept that it’s normal to think about women and in getting over that infatuation of thinking of one women, it was never truly that, just fleeting thoughts and I always said I was having a hard time with that as felt guilty.  Don’t believe I had to feel guilty, just I was foolish to not understand it may hurt my wife.  She says it will take time and we are getting along as normal, but every time we have a disagreement she just goes off the handle so I basically feel like well I’m never going to be allowed to get angry at you am I.  She forgets she slept in the same bed as another guy and I had to deal with it, I trusted her on that when we first started dating.  Yeah I have faults but I can’t be the only one at fault here, she surely has to try and make changes too.  She maybe has and I’m not noticing it.  Maybe it’s still weird for her so I need to accept things that way.  She says I should knock when she’s in the shower as I went in to use the toilet.  Random comments like that make me feel like I am an invader and I’m her husband, I don’t know if I would treat her that way, I’ve never actually ever said stuff like that, I think it’s purposely being nasty.  Or maybe I’m being the one who’s wrong?  Like I should knock?  We’ve never knocked once.  Maybe she wants privacy to do things herself and I need just nod and say OK.  I did do that, but I said it’s not rude, it’s not rude at all, I’ve done this all my life and so have you, you can’t just say it’s rude now, that seems unfair, you could just say can I have a bit of privacy or something.  Maybe that’s one of the things I can change but it isn’t rude, it’s just comfort.  I just won’t do it again but I’ve asked her to speak to me better.

Every time I think it’s good she hurts my feelings with random things I never even thought existed.  Maybe now I’m learning more about her as she’s being more open so I wish to just try and not let it get to me and see it as a good thing.

She’s also said we have had a problem, but we don’t have problems so it’s unlikely we would split up.  I don’t know how I am meant to help her see it was harmless?  By actively doing the things she points out is currently making her uncomfortable.

We seem to be getting on better and aren’t arguing really at all.  I don’t know at all if I am being unfair, and need to accept that, or I do at some point need to defend myself a bit stronger, and point out, I haven’t done anything wrong and wont continue to feel like I am the bad one, when men actually cheat, and actually don’t care, where I do, I care enough to write it down In a journal because I feel guilt for it.

 

[johna2Participant]

So, why exactly did you write it down? What motivated you? Be totally honest with yourself?

I think your wife will do better to try to understand your actions, rather than judge you. Punishing you won’t help matters, though I can understand why she may feel hurt and angry.

[Anon35ParticipantParticipant]

I challenge my thoughts to try and see what’s real and what’s just not true, so I wrote down the thoughts as I was feeling like I was some sort of creep and I wasn’t feeling good so I just wanted to break that worry down.   Sadly that worry then moved from that to now thinking I’m unfaithful.  I felt great and have been past it but don’t anymore.  I don’t find the girl to be someone is be interested in, I just see her every day at work and it’s probably not Al to then think about her.  For that I have the guilt .  Today she was speaking to me a out her ex boyfriend and asking me for advice so it’s safe to say we are friends, but I have never gotten to that point, I never go to anyone else other than my wife for discussions, I never speak of my personal life really to that women, I just like to think about her sometimes, then other times I couldn’t care less.  I would say I have done that most of my life and I believe I just like the idea of being in relationships, the excitement to begin with is probably why I do it, that’s what I’ve gathered from it and I am trying to accept and not feel guilty.  Her life is chaotic, she is not the type of person I’d even consider asking out, but she is the type of person I would be with, I can’t deny that, some women are attractive.  I’m now thinking I’m having an emotional affair and I am panicking, but I know I’m not engaging at all in any emotions with anyone other than my wife or family.  I like to talk about my kids, work sometimes or general stuff in day to day.  I couldn’t tell you one thing about her other than what she tells me.  I am definitely much more laid back and can distance myself.  I feel like the only thing that’s at play is lust and the fact that she always engages in conversations with me that are about world problems.  I love a good Convo with anyone, about world war, covid politics, so I’d do that with anyone.

I never speak of anything personal to anyone, but online says emotional affair I’d to think about others which is making me feel worse.  Half the time I am talking about married life, my kids and that’s it.

Every time she moans about her ex partner I always try and get out the convo as I don’t like feeling like I can be told those things.  It makes me feel like I am apart of your life and I’m not.  Today I asked her why she wanted to tell me about him and she said because you listen I suppose, I said I’m only listening because I have too, I don’t actually care and she looked puzzled.  Its the truth.

I think all this worry panic is in my head and I just simply had or have a little crush on her that isn’t a big deal because I am not acting on it, I just think it’s nice to think about women, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get over that.

Shes not nice either, she was one of those ” won’t wear a mask and get vaccined ” during covid, then said mental health is all a myth so effectively she’s just got so many horrendous traits I know it’s just a fantasy and I wish I could accept that.

[johna2Participant]

Quote……I said I’m only listening because I have too, I don’t actually care and she looked puzzled.  Its the truth.

Hey, that was a bit brutal!

Just try to relax and stay in touch with your feelings, and try to be honest about them at all times. Dont be unkind to her to be over protective of your self and your marriage.

I’m sure you’ll sort it all out.

[Anon35ParticipantParticipant]

Well I think that’s what I was doing, trying to put a shield up and say no.  Even deleted her from Facebook which I feel bad for as she hasn’t done anything wrong.  I’ll try and understand how I can stay in touch with my feelings and not feel guilty for them.  I have always fantasized and romanced women, it’s nice to imagine what life would be with others, I think that’s a normal functioning brain and how we understand and can appreciate what we do have.  I don’t know

Thanks Jona

[Anon35ParticipantParticipant]

Hello Johna,

Im back as this has crept up on me as of tonight.  I would say the first week after this happened I was horrendous, felt the worst I could ever feel.  I put things in place and changed my ways and I have since been totally at ease with it, even to the point I felt and truly believed I didn’t need to feel guilt.  I actively chose to distance myself from my female work colleagues, not be rude but to just acknowledge I want to respect my wife more.  I didn’t think stopping thinking about anyone is fair on me at all, and I don’t want to stop that.  It’s healthy for me.  I believed it was just a silly mistake and I was naive to leave my diary around.  I since have a phone app where I journal myself and it’s been great.  I’ve started date night with my wife and we are happier ( I think ) anyway.  I got passed the mild infatuation or worries I had and moved on.  I’m at the point now where I see the person as what I don’t like in women, and that’s loud and the women in questions opinions are so annoying this is how I always knew it’s just a thought.

 

However I am feeling guilty again and catastrophising that I will feel that way again, and my wife will leave me and I will be on my own unable to handle life.  I told my wife I was feeling like it crept up on me again in terms of my own guilt.  She got upset and we are fine but I just wanted to remind her I have changed the way I am and believe I am more respectful of her feelings than ever before.

I make an effort not to talk to colleagues about other women, and even told one of them I am actively making an effort to be a better more respectful man and not talk about women, even to my friendly colleagues.  That colleague has a friend and well and I see her daily too, she is basically a friend, I might’ve thought about her too but it doesnt matter I suppose.  Today I seen her with my wife and flipped her the middle finger as a joke, workplace banter, was acting no different than I’d act if my wife was there or not.  Laughing, but then she says ” my husband thinks I fancy you ” which is super awkward, I asked why and then she says I don’t of course, im like OK and out of awkwardness said ” well why not, I’m not ugly, maybe it is healthy for your marriage, there’s always a line and I never cross it, I would never cross and that was how I wanted to handle the comment.  To make it clear I know where a line is.  Then another male colleague comes in and we are talking about red hair people and that my hair was black.  I said come on now and shook my head, laughed it off and went about my job.  I am really quite unhappy about it because I wouldn’t ever ask a women that, it’s probably a joke between friends but I work mostly with women so I feel kind of like I am going to have to handle this stuff.

I am catastrophising again that

1.  Her husband will come after me, try hurt me and accuse me of something I didn’t do because he doesn’t like his wife being friends with dudes.  2.  That I need to feel guilty for all of this and I deserve karma.  3.  That I will feel the same way I did and not be able to handle it again and 4.  I am seen by everyone as the creep.

I generally believe I’ve been a better person, not that I was a bad one before

 

It’s hard again, and I don’t want to go down that route again if guilt and shame.  I know I was in a good place about it and my only fault was letting my wife into my brain by allowing her visible access to my journal

 

 

 

 

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