Help getting over awful ideas.

[fuzzichiggoParticipant]

Hi y’all. It’s been a while since I’ve posted or even lurked through here. I hope everyone is doing well and staying strong.

I was hoping to get some support/advice on a situation that has been really difficult for me to get over, and even more to let go.

I struggle with OCD, and for the most part, I’m in a really good place, when it comes to managing my intrusive thoughts, physical reactions, and rumination. Except for one particular incident from my past. I think it happened in 2006, so I must’ve been around 20. I was experimenting a ton with new [content edited by Moderators] so I’m assuming that’s how my mind segued into this specific image, but for some reason I pictured a [content edited by Moderators], and I think It intrigued me. I do remember thinking about looking something up like that, and saying: “nope, that’s not it”. It may have crossed my mind one more time, or maybe not, but that was it. Nothing came out of it.

I never really gave that mental incident too much thought, until maybe two years ago, when my OCD really started getting bad. When this incident popped into my head, it stuck around. The thing is, I’m not even 100% sure, if the way I explained what happened is really how it all happened. I usually have the memory of an elephant, but when it comes to this, I have a feeling my anxiety is causing some false memories to come into play. Every time I think about it, I get this butterflies in the pit of your stomach feeling. Like the one you get when you’re anxious or nervous. I used to get them all the time, when I would pass by a bus stop ad and said: “Admit it!”. It was for gambling addiction, but I equated to my denial. I came out of the closet, pretty late, and the same butterfly effect that I felt then, is the same I’m feeling now, so I immediately feel like I’m denying/hiding the truth of the incident. Even though, it could just be the guilt/shame/discomfort of the whole thing. The thing is I don’t 100% remember exactly how I reacted, but I do strongly feel like I was honestly into the image that popped into my head, or it could’ve just been the thought itself…either way, it still bothers me. I know that we could be into something ten years ago, and not be into it today, but the fact that there is this very strong possibility that I really was into what popped into my head and really wanted to look something up, and the only thing that stopped me was that it was gone, really bothers me.  I mean, I don’t want to look anything up like that now, and never have, but I guess that’s where the OCD get’s its power of uncertainty from.

How do you get over these awful things that you think or thought about doing sometimes, but never acted upon? I’ve read on here before that some others have gotten similar ideas and have even looked stuff up and acted upon them, so when I think about how it could just be the OCD, wreaking havoc, it brings some type of ceasefire.

 

[Forum Moderators]

Hi:

Forum moderators here; we’re sorry that your OCD is causing you so much distress and that you haven’t had many replies yet. Please don’t take this personally; forum users may just be taking a bit of  time considering how to reply and support you.

Also, you can contact the OCD Action Helpline to talk to or email someone who understands OCD.

Our Helpline volunteers provide confidential information and support for people with OCD (and anyone who thinks they may have OCD). Most volunteers have personal experience of OCD; all understand OCD and how it can impact your entire life. Contact our Helpline by:

• phone: 0300 636 5478
• email: support@ocdaction.org.uk

You can also join a support group where you can talk openly about OCD and support other people too. Our information about UK-based groups can be found here:

• Local independent support groups: https://ocdaction.org.uk/i-need-support/local-support/
• OCD Action Skype/Phone/Zoom support groups: https://ocdaction.org.uk/i-need-support/ocd-action-skype-phone-zoom-support-groups/

And please remember that you’re never alone – OCD Action is here to help and support you.

Best wishes, Forum Moderator

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