Reply To: I am a not a good man

[Anon35ParticipantParticipant]

Hello Johna,

Im back as this has crept up on me as of tonight.  I would say the first week after this happened I was horrendous, felt the worst I could ever feel.  I put things in place and changed my ways and I have since been totally at ease with it, even to the point I felt and truly believed I didn’t need to feel guilt.  I actively chose to distance myself from my female work colleagues, not be rude but to just acknowledge I want to respect my wife more.  I didn’t think stopping thinking about anyone is fair on me at all, and I don’t want to stop that.  It’s healthy for me.  I believed it was just a silly mistake and I was naive to leave my diary around.  I since have a phone app where I journal myself and it’s been great.  I’ve started date night with my wife and we are happier ( I think ) anyway.  I got passed the mild infatuation or worries I had and moved on.  I’m at the point now where I see the person as what I don’t like in women, and that’s loud and the women in questions opinions are so annoying this is how I always knew it’s just a thought.

 

However I am feeling guilty again and catastrophising that I will feel that way again, and my wife will leave me and I will be on my own unable to handle life.  I told my wife I was feeling like it crept up on me again in terms of my own guilt.  She got upset and we are fine but I just wanted to remind her I have changed the way I am and believe I am more respectful of her feelings than ever before.

I make an effort not to talk to colleagues about other women, and even told one of them I am actively making an effort to be a better more respectful man and not talk about women, even to my friendly colleagues.  That colleague has a friend and well and I see her daily too, she is basically a friend, I might’ve thought about her too but it doesnt matter I suppose.  Today I seen her with my wife and flipped her the middle finger as a joke, workplace banter, was acting no different than I’d act if my wife was there or not.  Laughing, but then she says ” my husband thinks I fancy you ” which is super awkward, I asked why and then she says I don’t of course, im like OK and out of awkwardness said ” well why not, I’m not ugly, maybe it is healthy for your marriage, there’s always a line and I never cross it, I would never cross and that was how I wanted to handle the comment.  To make it clear I know where a line is.  Then another male colleague comes in and we are talking about red hair people and that my hair was black.  I said come on now and shook my head, laughed it off and went about my job.  I am really quite unhappy about it because I wouldn’t ever ask a women that, it’s probably a joke between friends but I work mostly with women so I feel kind of like I am going to have to handle this stuff.

I am catastrophising again that

1.  Her husband will come after me, try hurt me and accuse me of something I didn’t do because he doesn’t like his wife being friends with dudes.  2.  That I need to feel guilty for all of this and I deserve karma.  3.  That I will feel the same way I did and not be able to handle it again and 4.  I am seen by everyone as the creep.

I generally believe I’ve been a better person, not that I was a bad one before

 

It’s hard again, and I don’t want to go down that route again if guilt and shame.  I know I was in a good place about it and my only fault was letting my wife into my brain by allowing her visible access to my journal