Reply To: I am a not a good man
These thoughts normal. Most, if not all, people do it. Even monks and nuns. Men will think about others when they are having with their partners. Women probably do the same. But we pretend that we don’t. Probably because we’ve been indoctrinated into thinking it’s wrong.
I don’t think it’s a problem you thinking of other people. But if I were you I wouldn’t keep any more diaries.
Just be honest with your wife. Maybe you don’t talk about intimatey themed stuff often enough. Obviously, try to be sensitive towards her, and don’t pester her for those conversations, but just try to challenge your thinking and hers a bit.
I guess you have anxiety because you have a sensitive conscience along with a high physical drive. Try to cut yourself a bit of slack and try not to let your conscience over-burden you.