Pocd/Hocd – Struggling Mum ?

[MistyMum03Participant]

Hi

I dont know how to start this off to be honest and i might end up rambling but here goes.

Im really struggling atm. I was diagnosed with Ocd a few years ago after being hospitalised.

I was doing well for a while then it came back with a vengeance ?

I tidy everywhere with dettol, check things all the time and the worst part of it all is the intrusive thoughts Pocd/Hocd.

I really feel like im such a bad Mum. The intrusive thoughts come so quickly it scares me because i feel so overwhelmed and my brain feels muddled. I know im not supposed to do compulsions but if i dont i feel like ive acted on the thoughts.

Example :

Recently we went on holiday to a theme park and whilst we was there it was really hot. I was sweating constantly ( forehead, upper lip, cheeks etc )

I then wanted to wipe my face due to noticing how much i was sweating and it was embarrasing. Then i had a thought that if i wiped my face the sweat might end up on my daughters private area as she was close to me. Then i started arguing with myself about whether to go ahead and wipe face anyway or whether to leave it until she has walked safely away. This kind of thought happens all the time and i dont know what to do. If i dont do anything and freeze up i feel like im doing a compulsion but then if i go ahead ( wipe face anyway ) im acting on the thought ?

The thoughts are always like this, they dont say i want to do blah blah blah.

They say ‘what if’ all the time. Whether its moving my hair out of my face or even drying my hair in my own room using the hairdryer. Yesterday i was drying my hair and i had a thought that my hair might end up on my daughters private areas if they happened to come in whilst i was blow drying it. So then i was checking to see if they was near my door. Then if i didnt check, my thoughts was telling me that i wanted it to happen. I then closed my bedroom door ( normally leave it open so my room is cooler ) and told my youngest to stay in her room as i was getting ready. I feel like im losing my mind. Sometimes i remember to tell myself its just Ocd when the thoughts come but other times my thoughts tell me im just using Ocd as an excuse.

My Daughters went to Dads yesterday and im so relieved as i can get a little break from the thoughts. I still get them but not as often when they arent at home and with me. The thoughts i get when they arent there could be anything from not making the beds right and the creases on the sheets might then end up touching the private area ?

Im fed up. Im back on Anafranil but its not doing much up to now but is only a very low dose xx

[Tooold 55Participant]

Hi I have pocd and harm ocd ,your mind is going g to worst case scenario ,the fact these thoughts alarm you is how I know they aren’t intention ,I know full well they just jump in and it’s scary but ocd the more it senses this is something to fear the more it happens ,you won’t just snap ,I promise .

[MistyMum03ParticipantParticipant]

I know this might sound weird but im glad theres someone that i can talk to about this even though i wish more than anything that we didnt have this horrible illness ?

 

Do you have children? Its so difficult to be around my two as the thoughts pop up so often and catch me off guard!! I hate it ? xx

[johna2Participant]

You are not alone. I know several mums who suffer like this. Back in 2006 I suffered from Harm ocd which was terrible.

During lockdown I got this thing about sperm on toilet seats. I spent hours disinfecting and bleaching toilet seats in case a tiny drop of pre cum containing sperm got inside any female going to the loo even hours after I had used it. Ocd is an evil disease but it can be brought under control. But I know from experience, it’s not easy. At present I’m OK. Fingers crossed.

[Tooold 55Participant]

Hi Misty mum I don’t but have a nice and nephew who I adore and yes at times will latch on when I’m with them ,for the most part I can dismiss the thoughts ,other times they are scary and I do a lot of mental review in case I did something and forgot ,rationally I know this isn’t true ,but ocd isn’t rational as we know ,

You are not alone let me assure you ,its just sticky thoughts x

[MistyMum03ParticipantParticipant]

I hate these thoughts so much ?

They ruin everything.. I couldnt even enjoy the holiday i was that stressed!!

I cant enjoy time with my children or my family. Im struggling to do all the house chores, especially washing my childrens clothes incase something goes on them when im putting them away. Or if i accidentally touch some of their underwear as i then have to go wash my hands numerous times and do the whole routine again. Ive even put the clothes back in the washing basket this morning as i had already washed & dried them then found some mud on a pair of joggers so everything has had to go back in the washing basket ready to be washed again ? Its exhausting and im terrified of my children coming home because then the worse thoughts start all over again!! ? xx

[Tooold 55Participant]

Hi ,yes they can cloud things ,have you considered getting help medication helps me ,and therapy ,

Avoiding your kids ,though it seems at the time gives relief ,but it actually will reinforce the ocd and I found being around my sisters kids made the anxiety ease .

I think the chores when your mood is low are difficult ,im the same ,try doing small amounts ,take breaks ,

I’m not a parent but I work in a rehab clinic so mixed with ocd can feel challenged by jobs so I break it down ,

It’s going to be OK take a deep breath ,your not what your minds saying ,nor am I, we are disordered x

[MistyMum03ParticipantParticipant]

Im back on Clomipramine 50mg. Hopefully it will start helping soon. Im so angry with myself as i was relatively Pocd free for a long time. The cleaning part has always been there though. Ive had a migraine on/off for the past 3 days. Constant worrying. Crying. Washing my hands. If i dont do a compulsion i get scared that the thoughts must be true or i must want things to happen. I had a therapy session yesterday for the first time in a long time and i have another next week. She has told me to think of the thoughts as a poison parrot and asked me to challenge the thoughts as much as possible xx

[Tooold 55Participant]

Good glad your ta,ing meds will help ,I was free for five years ,death of my mother ,new job triggered it back ,don’t be angry it’s what it does

You are a great mum I know despite what ocd is saying in time you. See its mechanisms and it is just brain noise x

[MistyMum03ParticipantParticipant]

Today i got scared because i went to say something to my Nanna then had a thought that she might move her private area against something if i said it then a few seconds later my Nanna asked me something and i said what i was going to say anyway & now i feel like ive acted on my thought ? xx

[Heartly9Participant]

Sorry you’re going through such a hard time Misty

 

It’s crazy what OCD can make us worry about.. it really can get inside our head

 

intrusive thoughts are so scary

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