Back in 2020, I had my worst OCD spiral ever where I couldn’t eat for ten days and could only sit in my room and ruminate over my thoughts. My grades suffered terribly and I was having very dark thoughts. Slowly, I got a little better and was able to somewhat function again and things have been ok for a couple years now.
But today something happened and now I feel like I’m slipping back into my old headspace and that really scares me. Especially considering that I just started my last semester of college so I really can’t afford to lose focus.
The OCD theme that caused me to spiral so badly was Pocd. It was so bad that I would have nightmares where I would feel intense groinal responses in my dream over something inappropriate with kids, but when I woke up I would feel relieved that it didn’t really happen. I told myself that in real life, my body wouldn’t react that intensely.
But today I came across a video on Tiktok about an abuse a kid was experiencing. I was very shocked by what I read as apparently the video of the abuse was posted on Tiktok. I didn’t watch the actual video, only saw the one talking about it. But even so, I had that intense groinal response that I got in my nightmares. Was it from my shock?
I keep replaying what I read in my head to test myself, which I know is wrong but I can’t help but try and have the “correct” response to relieve me of this whole scenario. I feel this disgust over this whole thing but I feel like it isn’t enough. Maybe I’m forcing myself to feel disgusted? I don’t know if that even makes sense.
I feel myself spiraling again and I’m afraid of what all this means about me. Even though I’ve gotten better over the years, there was always still that voice in the back of my end telling me I’m this horrible person that I still can’t bring myself to type out. And now it feels like those doubts are coming back onto the surface after pushing them down for so long. I would honestly give up ever feeling sexual desire if it meant these intrusive feelings would end.
I feel a bit better after typing all this out. I think I just need to get myself out of this spiral but I keep going back to that feeling that I hate.
