So I've had pocd for 5 months now.
Some days are worse than others.
I'm unsure as to what it is now. Like I feel like I'm becoming a paedophile.
I work in a nursery and I only ever have horrible thoughts when I'm changing the children's nappies. I get like the OCD compulsion to just give in and touch the child. I don't ever do it because it's messed up and disgusting but why do I have this urge?? And how do I make it go away?
I don't want to think of touching a child when I'm changing their nappy. It's sick!
I'm always thinking about a particular event that happened.
Basically. I was tickling a toddler in work and then I paused and poked her chest where her nipple would be. I don't know why I done it. Then I freaked out and went over to pick a different child up and put my thumbs over his top where his nipples would be to sort of test myself?
I went crazy after that incident, I got so low that I wanted to kill myself. I don't want to be a child molestor.
Anyway. A couple months and I felt better with the meds I'm on and from talking to mental health team.
I don't think you should blame yourself for this. You haven't done anything wrong.
You can be aroused by anything sexual - we are human. It doesn't mean you are aroused by the aspect of a 11 year old and a teacher.
If anything, the person you were talking to is to blame.
You aren't a horrible person or evil for that matter.
This is shown throughout your whole question - You feel guilt and wish you never googled. I'm sure if you were what you think you could be, you wouldn't feel this guilty and bad.
I can completely relate to you with the guilt.
This is a very common feeling to have when you have your first child.
Just Google it, you will find lots of mothers who have felt this way and then later on they realise they had no reason to doubt their love for their child.
Have you visit your doctor about this? It could be a form of ptsd.