I realize I've been doing mental testing and checking for years, before I even linked it to having something to do with being gay or having OCD (I've never been diagnosed).I overheard my father saying some not nice things about gays, and I was relieved because I knew I wasn't. I felt like a failure in his eyes and finally there was one thing where I t didn't disappoint him any further.
Not at all. The problem is that I don't know who I am anymore. If I liked boys from an early age I would accept it, though it might've been scary to come out, but what is happening to me is just illogical.
I have the exact same thing. It's like I know they are not good looking at all, but for some reason my brain interpret them as perfect. Even when they clearly are ugly I find something good about them and this positive trait over shadows everything else.
Your story is actually the exact same as mine; random thoughts about random and not attractive persons, which cause a doubt/scar that you don't understand at all. I got "random feelings" for old and ugly guys at first too, long before I started to notice guys appearance.