Lately I've been feeling like my pocd has turned me into a bad person. Whenever I read about pedophiles I feel like I cant judge them because of a compulsion I performed about a month ago. One day when I was in the bathroom masturbating I heard my 8 year old cousin and 10 year old brother playing in the other room. I suddenly became anxious over the thought that the sounds of them sexually excited me and I tried masturbating to the sounds of them to see if I liked it.
I honestly don't think I have OCD. Sometimes when I get an intrusive thought and ruminate it it begins to feel like actual enjoyment and I have to question it a bunch. Then when an intrusive thought comes in during masturbation I randomly feel like I enjoyed that thought. I don't think its cause of groinal responses because it more or less feels like the mental process of finding someone attractive. I'm really scared for my happiness and I feel like I might truly be a terrible pedophile.
Lately I've been feeling a lot of self hatred and I've been feeling like an absolute monster. I have pocd and theres been instances where I've tested myself by masturbating to my thoughts and sometimes it actually felt like I enjoyed my thoughts. It felt like I enjoyed masturbating to a child and I just dont know what's wrong with me. Now I hate myself cause I feel like a true pedophile and I feel like I've enjoyed children sexually and I'm disgusted. I just dont see how this is OCD anymore and I absolutely hate myself for it.