I've wrote this elsewhere.How do I become at peace with a previous incident in life?I sometimes have trouble thinking about a previous sexual encounter from a while back. Basically I was drunk and went round a woman's house. I was wasted, she wasn't. Didn't even have full sexual intercourse. Some oral the morning after when I was sober but that was it.I think about it every now and then and think I raped her when I was drunk. I even messaged said woman and she said "don't be daft."
I keep making the same mistakes. I keep drinking and having false memories, my anxiety is through the roof. It's like I'm harming myself on purpose. Went out last night after football, had 5 pints and went home. I did get the taxi home. But I'm scared I did something awful before I got the taxi. I'm a dickhead, I'm such an idiot. I deserve this anxiety. If I did something bad then I have let everyone down. I'm scum.
So I thought I’d rant about my life for a bit. I’ve had problems with HOCD these last few months. Broke up with my girlfriend etc I went out on the Friday night, it loosened me up. But of course I had to make my OCD fears worse. There is a woman I know of who is up for it shall I say. I got in contact with her to prove my OCD wrong. Suffice to say I slept with her with no protection and my fears have got worse now. I think I have caught something now. I must hate myself as I constantly mess up all the time.