zoophilia ocd

[articunoParticipant]

I’m just so tired. I got a new OCD worry yesterday, as if my other ones weren’t bad enough. And the worst part is that this one is even more convincing than the rest, I doubt it’s even OCD at this point.

Yesterday while changing clothes (and noticing a stuffed animal on my bed lol) I randomly had a thought along the lines of “I wonder if people would feel awkward changing clothes in front of their pets” which immediately transformed into an OCD thought along the lines of “I wonder if I would find it fun changing clothes in front of my pet” (I don’t have any pets right now, but I used to have some). But the worst part was that I couldn’t outright deny it. I mean, I probably wouldn’t care much or feel slightly awkward if I got stared at by my pet, but there’s one part of me that thinks I would get some sort of feeling from being stared at and wonder if the pet sees anything interesting about me. I know how disgusting this sounds, it’s just horrible. I don’t know why I’m having these thoughts. What’s worse is that I could even imagine that I would find it more amusing being stared at by an animal I like more in comparison to one I don’t like as much, as if I would want the animal I like to find me odd. It’s just disgusting. And I don’t know if it’s just my OCD mind playing tricks on me. I know OCD can cause very convincing feelings and thoughts, but usually I’m in some way able to tell that they’re not me. But in this case I’m really unsure.

I was in a similar situation when my current OCD theme was new and I was scared because as a teenager I sometimes had thoughts along the lines of my brother popping in my head. But I came to the conclusion that it was a weird mix of admiration/wanting to be liked, and on the other hand craving for a friend, that mixed up in my brain and led to these weird thoughts (that I didn’t even recognize as weird at the time because my brain knew they were wrong, but when I developed OCD it was obvious I would remember them and become scared). So I was basically projecting, I wasn’t actually thinking that. Anyway, my last hope is that this case is similar, and that if I do have those weird feelings, it’s just my brain making weird connections that don’t have anything to do with me thinking about someone. But then it’s still weird that my brain tells me I would be more “excited” if this happened before.

I don’t know anymore. I never thought I could be zoophile but the thought is disgusting to me. And I don’t think anything else about animals. But I don’t understand why I had this weird feeling then. My brain sees this as solid proof that I’m a zoophile who maybe hasn’t quite figured their orientation out yet, or something like that. I’m feeling so, so hopeless.

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