Christmas has been stressful for me. I knew it would be hard being all alone but I had hoped that my OCD would stay low … unfortunately not. I am also moving to another student dorm next week and am afraid of what is expecting me. I will have to share bathroom and kitchen with many others and it will be hard to have my “order” there. So I think it is also this pressure and anxiety that triggers my OCD thoughts. I went for a walk with my only really warm and waterproof shoes last week and they got quite muddy. There was an open package of sponges in one of the “common” drawers in the kitchen and I thought I could just hold the boots under water and use the rough side of the sponge to brush all the mud off. But then … I saw little bubbles appear as I rubbed the shoe with the sponge. The sponge had looked brandnew and had been in the (open) package but, as I am afraid of cleansers, I got horribly afraid that someone had maybe used the sponge to clean before, and that now there was some detergent all over my shoes. Also they felt slimy … wet leather always feels a little slimy but who knows… I rinsed the shoes a little and let them dry but I did not dare to wear them again. Which is pretty awful because I only have three pairs of shoes anyway and my other two are not fit for winter.
I do clean and wash my hands (with soap), of course, but it takes me quite long. When washing my hands, I always have to make sure that all the soap is really rinsed off well. Today I went to a shopping mall, I was already feeling stressed. I accidentally dropped an item on the floor, bent down to pick it up, and touched the floor with my fingers. I then went to the entrance of the shop to get hand sanitizer to clean my hands, but the sanitizer was also full of bubbles, it looked like soap in my hands … I got terribly afraid. I could not even find a bathroom to wash my hands with water because I would have had to pay for it and therefore touch my purse etc. first…in the end I went home the quickest way possible. Most likely everything was ok but I could not feel it. My OCD was actually quite mangeable for a while after I had finished my last therapy, I wonder why it is so tormenting at the moment.
I hop you all are doing relatively ok? hope it will get even better:)
