Hi, this is my first time writing on OCD action, or any forum in fact. I hope I am following the posting procedure currently!
I know well the feeling of “I could do better and/or enjoy things more if it wasn’t for the OCD.” I wonder if that feeling is true, though.
I have spent more than a year feeling almost constantly sad, anxious and very negative. But, surprisingly, I have recently had days without those sad feelings. I had seriously doubted I’d feel this way again.
It’s undeniable that when I feel better, like right now, I like being me, and am able to be thoughtful and considerate company to others! While over the last year, when I felt constantly unwell, people started noticing how tired and worn out I was.
I do believe OCD has made me less “successful” than I could have been. But when I feel more positive (like right now) I realize that that way of thinking is flawed, because having OCD is part of me. So imagining how things might have been without OCD is like anyone imagining how their life would be if they were Einstein, or Rihanna or whoever!
I spent a long time wondering why people who are mentally “healthy” don’t seem to get furious (like I get) when seeing someone who is apparently happier or more brilliant/ skilled/ etc. And it finally dawned on me that their sense of self is not so dependent on what they achieve.
That normally makes me feel sad, because I seem unable to do that. Which suggests I have little sense of self, like “what I achieve” fills the space where “who I am” should have been But then I have days like today, when my sense of self seems somehow (and unexpectedly) OK. When that happens, I don’t get thoughts like “I could do better and/or enjoy things more if it wasn’t for the OCD”. So maybe those thoughts are themselves a product of OCD and/or psychological baggage. They are kind of “fake” thoughts, or symptoms disguised as rational thinking.
Did you go on to do a PhD?
