So since I was young, I’ve had extremely obsessive thought patterns and had my first disturbing intrusive thought when I was around 18. I didn’t know what it was and it sent me into a complete spiral, being the first of what I call ‘obsessive episodes’. I never told anyone at the time but I was totally suicidal, as I thought I was the only person in the world who was thinking stuff like that. After having a google about ‘unwanted thoughts’ I soon discovered the world of Pure O OCD and got to know the word ‘intrusive thought’ I didn’t want to self-diagnose but just knowing that it had a name and that I wasn’t totally insane brought me out of this shame pit and taught me how to manage my intrusive thoughts and for the good part of 6 years I have been ‘obsessive episode’ free, I have had a good handle on my intrusive thoughts and lived a very happy life, they still affect me obviously but I’ve understood they’re always going to be a part of my life and I can manage them. Since this one particular intrusive thought I had when I was 18, I’ve experienced a fair few other Pure O themes which always provided me a sense of comfort in knowing this is just how my brain is.
However, recently I have acquired a new theme of Pure O that I had never experienced before. It is the one that I consider to be the worst, and most horrible out of all of them (obviously this is subjective, but this is just me) and it has sent me into a depressive episode. The UK has just gone into another full lockdown and I am by myself for a good portion of time which has meant that I have been alone with my thoughts for a few days now meaning that I have entered into a new obsessive episode. I’m finding it extremely hard to pull myself out of it as I am finding it so difficult to brush the thoughts off, meaning that I am performing the mental compulsions that come with Pure O. Being by myself so much in isolation means that my time is spent totally anxious with a constant 24/7 rationalization of the thought. I am so terrified for this lockdown with the prospect of 6 weeks with my own thoughts and no contact with anyone else. I am desperate to tell someone, to talk to someone about it but the thought is so awful, and so misunderstood by so many people that I am terrified that telling someone will be misunderstood. I desperately want to tell my boyfriend, who is a very understanding person but anyone with this mindset knows that overthinking is kind of the basis to the whole disorder and I’m convincing myself that my boyfriend will completely freak out if I tell him and might even break up with me over it. I honestly thought this would be a secret I would just die with, but I don’t think I can go my whole life and this whole relationship without telling him this.
