Saying one thing and then worrying I’ve said the opposite

[Heartly9Participant]

Hi

I have suffered with OCD on and off since I was a young child with a couple of v big relapses and counselling at times plus meds on and off

Recently I’ve gone through a lot of change and classic OCD is picking on me when im feeling anxious and has come back full on (after years of me mainly keeping it bay)

the main thing is when I say to family members ‘I love you’ my brain is saying to me ‘you said I don’t love you’ so then I’m finding I’m saying ‘I love you’ over and over again to them but then my brain is making me think I said the word ‘don’t’ each time (I 100% know this is the OCD and i would never say that..it always picks on what you love the most )

i don’t know how to stop my head telling me I’ve said the opposite with this and it’s really upsetting me and I’m nervous about saying ‘I love you’ but I of course don’t want to stop saying it

Any advice please?

[Heartly9ParticipantParticipant]

Anyone?

[johna2Participant]

I know what you mean. When I used to go to church back in 2006 I used to have to say prayers over and over just in case I had said a prayer to Satan rather than Jesus. It got to me asking people near me if I’d said the prayers OK, or asking the priest for tea just so I could be sure he was OK with me and had not heard me blaspheme, which obviously I hadn’t.

To be fair, after another bout of OCD in 2020 I ceased to believe in God. I can’t believe that an all loving God could possibly create a world in which something as vile and debilitating as OCD could be a feature, to say nothing of all the other misery and suffering of sentient beings. I can honestly say that being atheist has given me more peace of mind than religion did.

I think much of the treatment of OCD these days tends to deal with alleviating symptoms rather than getting to the root of things. I felt that I had to do both. I know my view is unpopular in psychiatric circles, but it’s my life and my brain/mind so I go where I think the evidence leads. I found that religion was at the root of my blasphemy OCD, part of the problem rather than a solution, so I got rid of it.

If I were you I would keep to saying “I love you”, but only when I REALLY felt it. Too many people say “love you” in the same way that shop assistants say “have a nice day”, on auto pilot. Dont say “I love you” as a test or as a compulsion or for reassurance. Try to cultivate awareness. Like, am I really feeling this? Is it sincere? If its not, don’t keep saying it. And never try to force yourself to feel anything. That will only block the spontaneous emergence of genuine feeling.

Hope that helps.

[Heartly9ParticipantParticipant]

Thanks for your reply

 

I’m glad you can relate a bit thank you

I’m not questioning the love but I question what I’ve said. I will know I’ve said I love you but the ocd tells me I’ve put a don’t in front. It’s just so painful as I don’t want to stop telling my child I love them but then I worry if I’ve said it wrong.. I need to just put up with uncertainty of what I’ve said to play ocd at it’s own game I guess but I’ve been finding it so painful

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