Perinatal OCD – I am going through a tough time

[preciousgemblesParticipant]

I have suffered with OCD since childhood and have had many themes over the years – contamination, cleaning, just right and more recently harm/perinatal.

I had quite a few spirals a few weeks ago. They all involved my children. One day, I had gone to gently put my hand on my daughter’s face during a meltdown. It turned into more of a tap and I hated myself for days. I kept telling myself I had smacked her, she even shouted “don’t smack me”.

Then one day I was driving on a country lane, I overtook a cyclist when I should have waited. Once I did, the road was nice and straight. I should have waited a bit longer. I was so mean to myself for days, as me and my 3 month old were in the car. If a car had been coming in the other direction when I overtook, we could have had a nasty accident. I even had to show my husband dashcam footage.

Then one evening, I was feeding my 3 month old to sleep. He was asleep on my arm so I moved him to my chest. He started moving his head like he had woke up, so I lifted him off my chest and raised him up and down while having a moan – telling him I wanted to sleep on my back (I fall asleep with him sort of sat up a lot and I try not to) and that he needed to be safe in his cot. I felt frustrated and annoyed and I remember an intrusive thought flashing up, it was either suggesting I was shaking or it was telling me to shake. Whatever it was, it scared me. I put my baby back on my breast, fed him to sleep, told myself I was not to spiral as I had done nothing, then went to sleep. I showed my husband what I did the next day and he told me I wasn’t shaking.

I told a perinatal mental health team about all of the above and showed them how I had held my baby. They made my husband take our baby to A&E. Then they got the police and social services involved. They closed the case the next day yet still told my husband to take our baby for a CT scan. They said the hospital was waiting for him, but no-one was expecting him. It was awful, I had been told to stay at home but had to drive to hospital to feed out baby. They reopened the case the day after and put safeguarding measures against me and my children. We were told to stay over at hospital for a scan the next day. We did, and my baby had to have eye drops to dilate his pupils. They looked at the back of his eyes and there was no bleeding. The doctors told us he did not need a CT scan at all. I told them about my OCD. Anyway, he was still scheduled for a scan but the next day they told us there was no room and we would have to wait until after the weekend. He finally had a CT scan and 30 x-rays… every bone x-rayed. He was fine.

I am struggling to get through each day without hating myself or feeling guilty. I hate myself for moaning at my baby in the first place. Then I feel guilty for all the mess and the unnecessary radiation.

I keep telling myself it’s not OCD and that I am just a terrible, terrible mum.

OCD Action have supported me as the hospital wanted to repeat the x-rays as it’s procedure to do so. Luckily we had them cancelled.

I am waiting to see my GP to get specialist help. But I am struggling to get through each day.

 

 

[Forum Moderators]

Hello:

Forum moderators here; we’re very sorry you’re having such a difficult time coping with your OCD while being a mum – and we want you to know how to access more help and support.

Here are some resources for mothers with OCD that we hope you’ll find useful:

Maternal OCD: this very helpful organisation that helps mothers with OCD has website with lots of useful resources, especially in the “Help for Mums” section.

It might help you to feel better knowing that Maternal OCD says: “OCD is also a very treatable condition and you should therefore see your GP as soon as possible if you think you have OCD and are not already receiving treatment”

Maternal OCD explains how you can access treatment and support for OCD, starting with your GP – read more on this page on their website

OCD Action also has information about more support for OCD; some is specifically for mothers. Visit our website to:

•  Read about treatment for OCD: https://ocdaction.org.uk/learn-about-ocd/treatment-overview/
• Watch this video: “2019 NATIONAL CONFERENCE: MATERNAL OCD“

You can also contact the OCD Action Help and Information Line to talk to or email someone who understands OCD. This confidential service offers help, information and support for people with OCD – they’ve helped mothers like you. Contact the Helpline by:

• email: support@ocdaction.org.uk
• phone:  0300 636 5478

OCD Action Skype/Phone/Zoom support groups:. joining a group can be very helpful, as you can talk to people who understand in a safe space. To find out more, on our Skype/Phone/Zoom Support Groups page, click on “I AM AN ADULT WITH OCD“

You can read about and search for local independent OCD support groups in the UK here (OCD Action is currently reviewing the information we hold for these groups. Please check this page soon to find a group in your area): Local Independent Support Groups

And just please know that you’re never alone – OCD Action is here to support you.

Forum Moderators

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