One thing after another, exhausting.

[BPT19Participant]

Hello everyone 🙂

Pretty much every winter time my OCD ramps up another level and makes every day pretty much unbearable.

This year has been one of the worst though, the current theme is OCD related, which I also suffered pretty bad with last year.

I was talking to a friend online about random things, games, life etc, woke up the following morning, I believe it was around 2nd December, not a worry in the world, feeling good and then I got a random thought “what If you spoke about them in your chat”

this filled me with dread, fear and panic. I started to think back how and when it could have happened, wondering why I never worried about it or even thought about it.

I read through the whole chat, up to 3 months worth I read through the whole chat and I found nothing regarding talking about it. This gave me a bit of relief, then a few hours later I got the thought “are you sure you read the whole chat?” “What if you missed a little section where you did talk about children?”

again, the same dread and panic. I checked the chat again and didn’t find anything. I then searched the chat for keywords but didn’t see any chat discussing it in any way what so ever.

again, got a bit of relief, but then I kept worrying “what if you suddenly remember something that confirms you did talk about them” and I’ve been dealing with that until last night, dealing with all kinds of images, false memories etc. Thankfully It kind of died down a little last night

However, as soon as that worry died down, another “what if” popped up which is pretty much the same worry but a different scenario.

“What if you spoke to them on the dating apps you’re on?” Or “what if you went onto anonymous chat sites and spoke to them”

again, no memory of this whatsoever, I actually remember seeing a profile on a dating app where the person looked young and I reported the profile.

now I can’t help but worry about “what if it’s true” “how can I live with myself if this is true” “my life is ruined”

it’s like everything I see adds to the story and the “false” memory. Say for example if I hear a song on the radio. My mind will somehow involve that song into a memory where this happened.

i want to make it clear, I have no interest or attraction to them. I am in fact avoiding them at all costs, I get uncomfortable when they are mentioned in conversations or if I even see them on TV.

I called my doctor yesterday to get help but unfortunately they can’t fit me in to talk to a specialist until New Year’s Eve, I’m just trying to manage as best as I can until then although I must admit, life is getting pretty challenging and tiresome.

Thanks all, hope you have happy holidays!

[Author]

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