Hi guys, I’m back on the forums to tell you what has happened to me. Before I begin though, I would like to say that this has nothing to do with OCD. If you have seen some of my posts, you will know thatenjoy being who I am. This isn’t me worrying because I always have. A few days ago I saw my best friend in person for the first time in a whole year and as always, had a great time with her. Yesterday, I was talking to a friend of mine and reminiscing about our middle school days. Then she mentioned that she used to have a crush on my best friend and at first when she mentioned this I didn’t really care much, but then at that moment I had a thought that said “what if you had a crush on her too?” And I got a little weirded out by it cuz I NEVER saw our relationship in that way. Sure, I would sometimes imagine what life would be like if I WAS into her, but I always knew that I didn’t want that. I see her more like a sister than anything because we are close but not in a romantic way. Then later I started to worry about things like “what if I develop romantic feelings for her?” Then I got images of my best friend and me which disturbed me. Today I had to see her again in person and it was agonizing because I had to constantly analyze everything I did at that moment. I had to constantly ask “Is this appropriate? Am I being too weird? Do I find her romantically appealing?” I NEVER thought of these things before. I had a hard time looking at her directly because of my thoughts. I know, so the thought of being with other women doesn’t really bother me. But that DOESN’T mean I want to go out with my best friend. I just strictly want to see her as a friend and nothing more, but my head now has those thoughts whenever I think about her. Also, I can be very touchy so sometimes I’ll do friendly gestures such as patting my friend on the back or shoulder, but now I’m worried that this could mean I wanted to touch her inappropriately. Basically, I’m afraid that I may be in denial of wanting to be with my best friend as a romantic partner, even though I find the very idea of it to be very repulsive.
