My husband ended his life

[Anonymous]

Hi, I was with my husband for 20 years, 13 perfect years with 5 children, before he tried cocaine in his 30’s. To cut a long story short, he developed a really bad addiction to cocaine and prescription drugs. This totally changed him. We’d argue lots about his promises to change then he’d relapse and we’d go back and forth. He was in recovery before he chose to end his life which came after another relapse. I was absolutely devastated as were all who knew him, despite his problems we never imagined he’d do this.

anyway, my grief has been worse lately, it’s been 6 months since he passed. I was with him since I was 17. So I feel like I’ve lost part of me. I recently watched the film fall on Netflix, where this grieving widow found out her husband had a 3 year affair with her best friend. This made me question if there was anything in his past I could think of. Randomly on my hen night 14 years ago, my niece took off my bride to be sash and wore it whilst we were walking home. All drunk my sister randomly said ” a group of girls she overheard one say ” I’ve slept with or been with that brides husband” or something along them lines. It’s kind of distorted now, but she didn’t know if they meant me or my niece as she was wearing the sash. I remember mentioning to my husband at the time and he didn’t seem guilty at all and said your sister could of heard wrong etc. I trusted him impeccably. He never went out, when he did he’d be home by 10.pm. He was a family man. Everyone always used to say the same. So I never thought of it again for 14 years until now.

I feel like it’s ruining the memory of my husband before drugs, which was always good. I keep asking everyone who knew him for reassurance or googling ” if you found out your husband cheated after he died” these will either spike my anxiety or relieve it temporarily. I’ve just started ocd counselling but over the phone. He told me to write down my thought and write factual evidence for and against him cheating. He said hearsay isn’t factual evidence and as my sister was drunk and them other girls were drunk you can’t rely on that. Plus I keep thinking now, my sister will start fights on anyone so if she overheard this, I’m surprised on reflection that she wouldn’t have confronted it at the time. plus we were just walking past so how come only she heard.

I think also my husband told so many lies during his addiction it totally ruined my trust in him that I had completely before he became an addict.

it’s making me miserable I feel so depressed with it all, it’s inescapable. Thanks

 

[Forum Moderators]

Forum Moderators here:

We’re very sorry about your husband and understand you must be going through a very difficult and challenging time. But we’re also very glad to read you’re having therapy for OCD. And please don’t think ever you’re ever alone, OCD Action is here to support you.

If you want to talk to someone who understands OCD, you can also contact the OCD Action Helpline – our Helpline volunteers provide confidential information and support for people with OCD. Most volunteers have personal experience of OCD; all understand how it can impact your entire life.

Contact our Helpline by:

• phone: 0300 636 5478
• email: support@ocdaction.org.uk

You can also find out about support groups on our website. These offer a safe place where you can talk openly about OCD and support other people too. Our information about UK-based groups can be found here:

• Local independent support groups: https://ocdaction.org.uk/i-need-support/local-support/
• OCD Action Skype/Phone/Zoom support groups: https://ocdaction.org.uk/i-need-support/ocd-action-skype-phone-zoom-support-groups/

If you don’t live in the UK, you can look for groups near you on the International OCD Foundation (IOCDF) website. Look in the section “Find Help” and then under “Listing Types”, choose “Support Groups”: https://iocdf.org/

And please remember that you’re never alone – OCD Action is here to help and support you.

Best wishes,

Forum Moderators

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