Today I had an intrusive thought regarding my fear of being a trans man. Today I was doing compulsions by checking my body for any signs that I felt dissatisfied with it. Then I had a thought that went “if you feel alright with being a woman, what about in the future? Do you see yourself growing up to be a woman?” At first, I thought yes because my whole life I always imagined I would grow up to be a woman, but then I randomly thought “but what if I don’t want to grow up to be a woman?” then I started to panic. I tried to imagine what life would be like once I get older, but then I feel anxiety for some reason? And I fear that I feel like that because deep down I don’t want to be a woman. I get thoughts like “you are dissatisfied with being female. Why not just become a male instead?” And I don’t want to become a man because the moment I imagine myself as a man I feel like something is wrong. Like it’s not right. But when I imagine myself all grown up I also feel anxious. I wouldn’t feel this way before. I would never feel bad over the fact that I will always identify as a woman and grow up to be a woman. I always just saw it as who I was. But now I’m afraid that I want to change when deep down I know I dont.
