Miserable

[RosenrotParticipant]

Hi again, Before Christmas, I already had a very short conversation with a therapist from the university to apply for some sessions but they told me there are no free spots before February so at the moment I have no one around here to discuss these issues.

Anyway, it feels like I am always so good at planning and preparing but then everything ends up so miserable. And everyone just sees me as this annoying “complaining person” … but I also wish I had just gotten a decent room with not much to complain about! “My” room was not smoky, at least I did not think so but I am not sure anymore … the bathroom which my friend (who will move in soon) and I are supposed to use is full of smoke however and I do not want to shower there etc. I reported the problem again but the only answer I got so far from the housing company is “if I had talked to my neighbor and that it was not their job(!)”. So I replied that both the two people who had used the back bathroom had moved out and that I cannot talk to them anymore, and that I do not think it is fair that it is my job now to get the bathroom in a better condition.
I know several others here that live in the student halls (from the same main company) and no one had such a bad experience 🙁 I have to say that I am still keeping the keys for my friend who has not arrived yet and I would feel very stupid to just fly back home and leave her there … we had explicitly asked to get rooms on the same corridor and in fact we were granted this wish…but of course I had not known that it would look like this.

Such experiences make me regret that I had “special wishes” because it makes me feel like every decision I made was wrong and just lead me to the dilemma I am in now, like: “Had I not asked for a room with my friend, I might have gotten a cleaner room, a room on a different floor….” etc.

Studies here are digital at the moment but might be physical again from February on. After the second semester, I would have to do an internship or a research project in the third semester and then write my master’s thesis in the fourth. I could possibly do both the third and the fourth semester from Germany in the worst case, as there are no fixed courses anymore and we are supposed to work independently. That could be a possibility to still finish the program somehow and get the degree. To be honest, I did so well in the first semester and I really like the master’s program, it would be very bitter to have to quit the program because of the housing situation… but I do not know if I can even stand just one semester in the new apartment, and it seems unlikely that the housing company will make concessions or grant me another room.

The thing is that international students here are actually guaranteed student housing, this guarantee was revoked last semester, which is why I came here on my own, and then it was revoked again for the second semester. So it was only luck that I got a room at all…the university had basically broken its promise and before Christmas I was talking to my parents and they were very frustrated but said in case I would not get offered a room, it would not be my fault, and then it would be ok if I returned to Germany and start over in the summer semester because it would just have been bad luck then (originally they said they were only going to support me financially for one master’s program and not anymore if I quit. So this is also about money.)….

But now that I theoretically have a room, the situation has changed. Because now my parents say, when I quit my studies, it is all my fault as I just cannot “deal” with certain conditions like others, for whom this would all be no problem at all…maybe other OCD people know this problem, once diagnosed with OCD, I am treated like I cannot reasonably judge situations at all anymore, and even when I have difficulties to live in an apartment full of trash and smoke, I am told that it was just my illness and my “problems” and that others would be happy in my place…

I am certainly not easy, I have called my mother countless times crying throughout the last years when I had no one else to talk to, and I realized that this is very stressful for her and that I need to find solutions on my own or with a therapist. With my father I talk less, and he only seems disappointed and bitter that his daughter is not as great as others, who are successful, have partners, children….I spoke to him yesterday and he was just so angry. He was reproachful, saying that it had always been my wish to study abroad and that I should have known that I just cannot deal with it. He said it was my decision of course to come back to Germany or not, but then I could only apply for social welfare because he would never ever help me again. He has frequently told me how “other parents” would have long abandoned “children like me”. I am only a burden to him.
I also suffer from two physical diseases, eczema and a gastric disease. When I was diagnosed with the last one, my father was so empathic and concerned… but my mental disease, he never took it seriously. He now increasingly views my physical diseases as “my own fault”, too, because he thinks I “just” have to get rid of my mental issues and then everything would be fine. He also is a pensioner by now and tells me how I “make him sick” and how he does not have many years to live anymore… I still love my father and it hurts me to hear him talking like that and thinking of me as a scourge.

I had a big breakfast at the hotel’s buffet this morning, it was still open despite Covid and they offered nearly everything, so at least I have eaten enough for the whole day already (and I smuggled a yoghurt and some fruit to my room to eat later). I think I will mainly rest today. Recently I often feel like sleeping all day :/

Rosenrot

 

 

 

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