I confessed to a couple friends about a thought I’ve been having that I’ve been obsessing over and immediately felt like I’d gone too far. One friend doesn’t have OCD but the other does. I basically told them that one night a few months ago, I was laying in bed and had the thought of acting on hurting my family (who has been abusive toward me) and I had the thought that I didn’t care if I did. It was like this weird thought that I wanted to leave my body and this reality and then I had another weird irrational thought that if I did that, something else could take over and kill everybody. I had the thought I didn’t care if that happened and just sat there with it, like accepted it would happen and that it was going to. Like I don’t care what happens here or who gets hurt as long as I can be somewhere else was the thought. I can’t remember if I tried thinking about other things or if I was just going to act on killing my family. It’s like it’s blurry. I don’t know what to think.
Nothing happened and I ended up moving out and hours away from my parents but it has been haunting me. The energy shifted after I confessed to my first friend (I’ve told her fucked up thoughts I’ve had before but maybe this was the worst one). My other friend doesn’t have that theme of OCD and I also felt like I’d made a mistake. She’s felt more distant and it feels strained between both of my friends now.
Am I a sociopath? What’s wrong with me? Why do I have thoughts like this? Why did I feel like I didn’t care? Why do I feel like I have to tell people about them? I don’t know what I did to deserve this. I’ve never been a violent person and I try to be good toward people. I’m on medicine. I’m scared that I want to hurt people. I didn’t used to feel like that. Someone please help. I wish I could just stop thinking.
