I have still got ocd, we will get through this together… thejourney continues

[wannabefreeParticipant]

Hi everyone… We’ve made it back…  This morning, it was a trip to the hospital, pushing my wife in her wheelchair. What is on the handles? I don’t know, it is a long time since we used it. I have to take one of the wheels off to get it in the car boot. In reception at the hospital, there was an antibac gel dispenser, so I used it once, then continued pushing the wheelchair to the relevant department. Due to Social distancing, I was not allowed to stay with my wife, so I adjourned to the coffee bar! Had to do the Covid 19 checking scan thingy. What is on my phone case? I shudder to think, but it will be basically the same as what is on everyone else’s phones. And in that case, I really don’t know… My CBT therapist taught me that… I asked for a Latte, then got out a credit card to pay contactless, choosing this time, not to press the buttons on the card reader, with the famous button that used to be green (!). What is on my credit card? I really don’t know, and not knowing is bliss… And the Latte tasted real nice… Ten years ago, Before CBT therapy, things were very different… I would have been phoning the hospital to tell them I’d touched a door, there could have been something on my clothing or shoes… I’d sat on a chair that I hadn’t got newly laundered trousers… I wouldn’t even have got into the car without using antibac gel multiple times, and putting the same gel on all the door handles I’d touched…  Today, I actually drove the car, without needing to check everywhere. The parking payment machine was interesting! On entry to the carpark, ANPR cameras record my car registration. When leaving, I type the same number onto a machine panel, and got a receipt. What was on that machine panel? I really don’t know, but I got the payment made, then as we drove out ANPR cameras opened the gates. Whatever was on the machine panel is now on the steering wheel of the car… No, I don’t know what was there, come to think of it, I don’t know what was already on the steering wheel… Ten years ago I would have sprayed antibacterials on the safety belts… CBT therapy is a lifesaver for me. There are some really good books about Cognitive behavioural therapy, that is CBT, in the forum booklists linked to amazon. I think they are in the resources section of this website. I’m still trying to find it myself!!!! God bless you for reading.

Wannabe

[wannabefreeParticipantParticipant]

Well…  to any old forum users reading this, please do rejoin the new forum. This is the future. We are dealing with a pandemic today… We have to get through this, and we can all do it together, with our new friends here too. So here we are. Let’s go for it!     Today, I’ve managed to get to our local shop… 10 years ago, no way… But today was different. I applied the stuff I’d been taught by my CBT therapist. I tried to not look too closely at the pavement as I walked. In years gone by, I would keep stopping to look back the way I’d come, just to make sure I hadn’t stepped in anything. The path was damp. Maybe from recent rainfall. I really don’t know… In the shop doorway, is an antibac gel dispenser. Just once will be enough, before picking up a basket ready to go around the shop… An impossibility ten years ago… But today it was different… I pick up the things I went in for… A cellophane wrapped pack of bread rolls… Then over to the refrigerated shelves for milk. It comes in plastic bottles with a moulded handle… Clean? I really don’t know… Never mind the person who stacked the shelf, I’d handled them after handling the bread rolls… I have contamination Ocd. They’ll get handled by the till operator, who will have handled cash, other peoples goods, all sorts of things… I’ll handle them again to get them into my bag, which, is not going to be sterile inside. I’ve never, ever, cleaned the inside of a shopping bag… And to be honest, I’ve never cleaned milk bottles… Even when I was a child in the 1960’s we had glass bottles. Sure, they got rinsed before going back to the milkman. They handled new bottles with the same fingers as the empties. Sometimes birds would peck at the foil tops to get the cream!!  They weren’t washed. They must have been safe enough… Later, we moved on to the famous tetrapaks… To begin with, they were torn, or cut open along a fold. Do you remember how grubby they were? Blackened fingernails… But they didn’t make us ill…  People would have sued the manufacturers… It would have been in the papers and on telly… We’d have died of food poisoning… Mmmm…. Back to today… I put the milk bottles into the freezer. Will they be okay? I don’t know… But they have always been okay so far, and that is evidence in our favour. We won’t need to clean the bottles before opening. We never have… And what about the foil inner to the coloured screwtop? Even with clean fingers they are difficult to open. Once opened, they can never be cleaned again, and 2 litres will do a lot of cups of decaff coffee. So that’s the story of the milkbottle Exposure response prevention routine. The thing is, very few people ever clean them… Along with a lot of other stuff the till operator has handled. I can remember worrying about the credit card reader…  The number buttons, and the button that used to be green… If they were really all that dangerous, the litigation solicitors would have sued, and made them legally unusable. But if they are okay for everyone else… And only transactions under £45 are contactless… More later. God bless you for reading.

Wannabe

[RosenrotParticipant]

Hi Wannabe,

I had just joined the old forum shortly before they closed it down. You answered my post about my contamination OCD (I am still most afraid of detergents, soap and shampoo residue etc.).

I am glad you seem to be doing quite well and don’t let your fears dictate your day.
I just finished my university exams and OCD hit back real badly. Somehow, I magically seem to summon the power to concentrate during exams, which I am thankful for, as it would be even worse to fail them too because of this disease. But just one day after the last exam, everything went down again.

I started a washing machine after having cleaned my room yesterday. The machine was nearly completely full. Soon I started wondering whether the clothes wouldn’t get clean now anymore as the machine might be too full…getting them clean was especially important to me yesterday as I had worn some of the items to clean the bathroom and had probably spilled some drops of detergent on them accidentally…I managed to take the clothes out and to my room to hang them up to dry but this morning I was still worried. Eventually I decided to wash the clothes again in two separate machines (I live in a student dorm with a laundry room in the cellar), one of them for woollier items, and even started a third machine for my 60 degree clothes. “Unfortunately” my new flatmate had also planned to wash today. Every time I went down to start a machine or take out my clothes, she was also there. That made it hard to concentrate for me as I was already so stressed and always have to check thoroughly if the machine has really finished the program (I use to read out aloud the “Finish” sign on the machine but couldn’t do that then). So I’m still not feeling better as I now worry that somehow the machine had not finished the program although the door probably wouldn’t even have opened if it hadn’t been finished…and I’m mad at my flatmate for distracting me and making it so much worse.
My skin itches and I imagine it’s because my clothes are still full of detergent somehow…I feel like I’m going crazy. So, a bad time for me at the moment unfortunately.

I’m also looking ahead to a Christmas that I will spent alone because I have to move to another dorm in January and can’t do that if I leave the country (due to the quarantine restrictions etc.) I hope I will manage. I was so anxious and stressed throughout the last time that I didn’t get my period at all last month, this has never happened since I first got it. I really fell quite exhausted.

I’ll definitely keep reading your posts. They make me feel a little less alone and it is good to see that there is hope and that improvement is possible.

Best wishes from Scandinavia to you, Rosenrot

 

 

 

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