I know I have posted on here a lot. Probably way to much. I feel like I have these really good moments, and they are so awesome and I forget about everything and I’m happy, but then I start to feel anxious because I don’t want everything to come back, then I’m trying to distract myself from the compulsions and make myself so busy that I don’t have time to worry about it. But then bam, the anxiety hits me and it’s worse than before. Right now I’m in a bad moment. All day I was feeling great. Really good and like myself besides stressed about school work snd home stuff. But I wasn’t thinking about it. And then out of now where the thoughts started coming back and now I’m in a bad place again. I keep having these intrusive thoughts of me liking odd stuff, and I panicked and started the compulsions and self checking again. Like I had this thought and i got a stupid response and it felt so real like that was who I was. Now any time I realize I don’t like these things or they seem weird I feel this insane sense of doubt and my mind says “you got that response that’s why you keep feeling doubt” then out of no where it starts to feel true, like this is who I am and it doesn’t seem weird. It makes me feel terrible. It makes my heart ache tremendously because sometimes the idea of the thoughts don’t bother me and I hate it. Like they are starting to seem normal. And then that feeling makes me feel like I like these things and It makes me cry. I just want it to stop but it won’t. I’m trying to go to therapy but I’m so busy I have a hard time finding time to go.
