I keep asking myself questions regarding my gender identity. When I ask myself “am I a girl?” or “do you feel comfortable with your body” I always answer with yes. But then I ask a question along the lines of “Do you want to be a girl forever?” and for some reason, it takes time to answer the question? And I have no idea why. I don’t think I’d want to be a man instead of a woman. I look at men and ask myself “would you want a male body?” and I always say no. The idea is just so unappealing to me, and I’d rather be more comfortable being a female. But when it comes to “Do you want to be a girl in the future/forever?” for some reason it’s hard to answer it? I always end up saying yes but then I get thoughts that say “Are you sure? What if you become a man? Wouldn’t you want to become a man someday?” and then I start to worry. I figure that the most rational explanation as to why I have a hard time answering that question is because sometimes I have a hard time imagining myself as a fully-fledged adult who lives by herself. I act very childishly despite my age, like childish things, and can be very clingy so I have a hard time being independent because for my whole life I’ve been coddled. So thinking of myself as a grown older woman in the future, having to do things on my own, was always scary to me. But now my mind is twisting this to mean that I don’t want to grow up to become a woman. Many of my trans friends would often say things like “I used to have a hard time imagining myself growing up as my assigned gender at birth”, and I’m afraid that’s what’s happening to me right now.
