Hi, I’m a new member. I feel like my OCD is so weird I can never get better

[Joanie94Participant]

Hi all,

I never hear of anyone with OCD like mine and wonder why. I have always had some form of OCD for as long as I can remember, when I was very young it would be little things like if I did something with one leg I would have to do the same with the other, I liked things to be even, I had a fire obsession that made me sleep in my clothes and be constantly checking things that may cause fire and making sure that windows and doors weren’t locked incase I needed to get out. I had things that I would repeat in my head over and over. Nothing too out of the ordinary for a child. As I became an adult it became mostly checking things which affected me quite a lot and made me anxious and always late. I used to say things as I checked them to try and get in my brain I had done it. Thank goodness for camera phones as I then started taking photos of me checking door handles etc, made life easier. Over the last 17 years (since my youngest child was born) my OCD has revolved around my mother. Without a super long story I had a horrible childhood, I hate my mother, she is disgusting. I try and avoid her but if I have to go anywhere near her, afterwards I literally get a can of disinfectant and spray myself all over, followed by going home, stripping off in hall and showering a lot. I have to clean everything I had with me even if she didn’t go near it. When my children were young it was a nightmare as they didn’t understand I had OCD and we would come in the house after having seen my mother and they would touch the wall and say ha ha mum now you will have to clean it. I would make them strip off and shower immediately too. If she sends my kids presents I throw them straight in the outside bin, I have even thrown cash in the bin. Anything that has been near her is contaminated. If my niece comes to my house and I know my mother was at her house last week I will have to steam everywhere my niece has been as soon as she leaves and spray disinfectant, on walls, door handles etc. It’s to the point where if my mother might have touched something and that something touched something else and I might touch that something else I have to sterilise it or throw it away. I could never have my mother in my house because I could never clean it enough, I would have to burn my house down or move out. Say I have a handbag with me and I met my mum somewhere I will clean my handbag with antibacterial wipes and spray, I will clean it about 6 times then have to ask my husband if it’s clean. Sometimes I feel it’s clean and other times I give up and just throw it away. I end up cleaning the car, I have been out in the rain many times spraying the car with cleaner. It affects my relationships with other family members as I feel like they are contaminated if they have been near my mother, even if it was a couple of weeks ago. If she has been in my sisters house and it’s not been at least 6 months since she was there then my sisters house is contaminated. I can spend days cleaning if I have had any contact with my mother, not actual physical contact but just in same room. Once I washed every single item of clothing in my house. Even though they were shut away in wardrobes upstairs I just couldn’t keep the contamination in hallway and shower, I felt like I couldn’t clean enough when I came home, I think someone brushed against wall and somehow it spread from there until the whole house been contaminated. Often as I clean I have to say I hate her I hate her. Apart from some checking which I don’t feel is out of control I just have this OCD around my mother. If it was a choice between giving her a hug or licking a public toilet, I’d lick the toilet a 1000 times. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? I have tried explaining it to people but it’s difficult, I don’t feel like I’m explaining it well here. One friend gets it now because she was here when a card came through the letterbox from my mum and when I realised I threw it away and cleaned the entire front door and hallway and couldn’t stop myself even with my friend being there. She said she had never seen anyone like it and she could see how panicked I was. I don’t think anyone could ever help me with this, obviously it stems from my childhood but why this? Strangely my brother has germ phobia about things that would never bother me but let’s my mother in his house which I can’t understand. Anyone’s feedback would be nice. Thank you

[Forum Moderators]

Forum Moderators here:

Thanks for posting on the forum and we’re sorry you haven’t had many replies yet. Please don’t take this personally; sometimes it takes a while for people to reply. We just want you to know that you’re never alone and OCD Action is here to support you.

If you’d like to talk to or email someone who understands OCD, please contact our OCD Action Helpline.

You can get confidential information about and support from a Helpline volunteer who understands how OCD can impact your life. Contact our Helpline by:

• phone: 0300 636 5478
• email: support@ocdaction.org.uk

We hope this is helpful,

Forum Moderators

[Author]

Posts