Hi guys. It’s been a while, but it seems like I always come back here whenever I have a relapse huh?
I’ve had another relapse with my trans ocd. I was fine a week ago, but I had another relapse because I was looking through my Instagram feed and I saw a post by a trans woman that I follow. I enjoy her content and what she posts because I like her sense of style, and I am happy for her that she is proud of her identity, but I got triggered by a post where she began to explain how she discovered she was trans and that she always felt as though she was trapped in a body that didn’t belong to her. So then I got a thought to myself that said “what if I feel that way too and I just won’t admit it?” I honestly can’t and don’t want to see myself as a man, but the moment I tell myself that I start to doubt myself. I prefer to see myself as a girl, and I enjoy feminine things (although I know that doesn’t matter), but my mind still says “you aren’t girly enough, so that means you want to be a man”. Also, as of late I’ve felt like I’m very ugly. When I see myself in the mirror I always think I look so ugly and I have no clue as to how anyone can ever find me attractive. And I guess this adds to my obsession because then I think “girls are supposed to look pretty, but I don’t look pretty at all. That must mean I’m not ‘girl’ enough.” I know it sounds stupid, but it’s just making me feel awful. Now I’m back to checking my body at all times and comparing my behavior to other girls to make sure I am a girl. But I also fear I may be a trans person with internalized transphobia who is brainwashed into thinking that they’re cis. It’s all so complicated. I tell myself “I can’t be trans, I am fine with being a girl” but then I get thoughts that say “but how do you know that?”
