I have now been getting what I believe to be are false memories regarding my current obsession with being a trans male in denial. I was too busy caught up in rumination when all of a sudden I get a thought that said “didn’t you say to yourself one time that you wished to be a guy and not a girl? Wasn’t that a desire of yours for a while back?” At first that sounded silly, but then I started forming a “memory” of me saying that to myself. Honestly, I don’t remember ever having said that ever in my life nor ever even considering it. But my mind is trying to instill some doubt about that and it feels so convincing that I really could’ve thought that at some moment in my life. I don’t want to be a male, I want to be what I’ve always identified as. A girl. I guess I’ve started forming compulsions too? For example, I constantly look at my body and at the mirror, making sure I feel comfortable being in it. I imagine what life would be like if I referred to myself as anything but female, and I don’t like it. Also, I’ve been analyzing what I do and how I look. I often ask myself “do I look or act feminine enough?” which I know isn’t really an indication of anything (I’ve always considered myself a tomboy but with girly tastes too), but my OCD wants to convince me that if I’m not “girly enough” it means I actually want to be a boy. I’ve been painting my nails more often too, in order to make myself feel more feminine. And while I do enjoy painting my nails, it still doesn’t seem like enough to convince me that I’m not a trans man in denial. I just want to go back before this obsession started so that I don’t have to worry about acting, dressing, or looking a certain way because I’m afraid it may mean I’m a trans male in denial.
