So, I struggle with ROCD, and I randomly have flashbacks to a particularly uncomfortable and shameful episode from my past, that just exacerbates the hell out of my OCD.
When I was about 20, I was just chilling with my computer, surfing the web, when the idea and the image popped into my head. Like, I actually pictured a [comment edited by moderator] I highly favor whenever, I watch it. I remember feeling very curious about it, and it felt like I really wanted to look such a thing up. The thing that stopped me was that it was illegal, at least that’s the first thing, I remember that stopped me at the moment. After that, I don’t remember having one of those thoughts again, and just continued on with my life. Didn’t think much of it. Came to my senses and moved on.
Cut to now, where my struggle with ROCD, really is an exhausting one. There are moments, where I have good days, weeks, or even months, but I’m still plagued by it on the daily. The fear of when I’m gonna have another intrusive thought or rabbit hole episode, really spikes up the anxiety, which spikes up everything else. I’m so tired. :/
The crappy part is that whenever this particular memory pops into my head, I start getting this intense feeling in the pit of my stomach. Like I’m guilty of something, or like I’m hiding something about myself. I remember getting that same feeling whenever I would pass by a gambling addiction ad at the bus stop, that said: ADMIT IT, in bold lettering. When I finally came out, it went away, so when I get that same type of feeling whenever I think about this horrendous memory, I start thinking it means so much more than what it is or was. I’m sure it feels worse because I do have OCD, but the thing that sucks even more, is that I’m not sure I’m even remembering it correctly. Uncomfortable, intense feelings can sometimes lead to false memories, because you’re assuming the worst. I don’t remember if I had a response, and mistook that as actual attraction, or if it was just an intense feeling in the pit of my stomach because it felt wrong, combined with intense curiosity. I don’t know. I’m sure I had that intense stomach feeling, because I’m feeling it now, as I type this, but either way, I have never looked anything up. Don’t want to look such a thing up. Would never.
Whenever, I make peace with that particular episode, and move on, I fall back into the rabbit hole at some point, and it’s the revolving door all over again. I don’t really enjoy my life anymore. I worry about having to deal with this for the rest of my life. I would rather be dead, then live like this. I can’t. Has anyone else had a similar experience? Any advice on how to let go of the past and these shitty thoughts? I would really appreciate it.
