Bizarre moral OCD theme that terrifies me. Please help

[recoveryqueenParticipant]

Basically I worry that I turn my emotions on and off, that I’m faking my emotions. I think part of it comes from feeling numb because of major depression and my anxiety freaking out about the numbness and random bouts of authentic pain in between. I have so many obsessions around the idea that I’ve manipulated people. I checked into the hospital last year and felt like I manipulated the nurses. I even told one of them at the time that I felt like I was manipulating her. I’ve had this specific obsession and theme for two years. It makes me want to die. I’m at a point where my OCD is telling me that the abuse I went through isn’t real and that I made it up.

Between my OCD telling me I’m a monster, that I manipulate people, that I made up my abuse, that I’m a predator, that I’m into bestiality, that I’ve tried to hurt my cat and was okay with my cat being hurt. I’m just overwhelmed. I fell apart last night. I’m a 28 year old woman. I’ve been struggling since I was 26. This feels maddening and crushingly unfair. I’m in ERP therapy and on meds. I’m not looking for reassurance, just some kindness. I’m hurting so much. Why did this happen to me?

[johna2Participant]

Hey, it’s good you do ERP and take some hopefully helpful meds.

You ask why this all happened to you. I used to ask that question. But the only response I got was that life is deterministic, and some of us are dealt a pretty shitty hand. But at least I quit blaming myself or taking blame for my condition. Mental illness is just what it is and we should, l think, quit beating ourselves up about it. Acceptance is the thing. And then doing what we can to improve our situation. Which you are doing.

Last year I hit rock bottom. I guess the only way was up. I started reading a ton of books and doing some gardening. Now I feel a lot better.

I know its hard, but try to adopt a position of “what the fuck”. Try not to take life that seriously. There is a whole bunch of stuff that I’m sure is not nearly so important as we can often make it out to be. I wish I could explain myself better, but its difficult.

You seem to be suffering from a fair bit of guilt. I know I was. But now I think I try to do my best. Screw it if I don’t succeed, and screw other people’s oppressive demands of me.

I really hope you get better. Be kind to yourself.

[Forum Moderators]

Hello:

Forum moderators here – we’re sorry you’re going through such a very difficult time but are very glad that you’re seeing an ERP therapist and hope this treatment helps you. If you’d like to talk to someone who can give you additional support, we want you to know about other helpful resources.

As you sound quite distressed, if at any point you’re feeling like your life isn’t worth living, you can call the Samaritans, who are always there to help you.

The Samaritans have a free, confidential listening service for people in distress, open 24-hours a day, 7-days a week. They support anyone who needs someone to talk to. Their volunteers are not professional counsellors but will listen and never judge you. Contact the Samaritans by:

• phone 116 123
• email: jo@samaritans.org

While it’s great that you’ve posted on the forums, if you’d like to talk to (or email) someone who understands OCD, please contact our OCD Action Helpline.

Our Helpline is a confidential, unbiased source of information and support for people with OCD – or anyone who thinks they may have OCD. Most of our volunteers have personal experience of OCD; all understand how it can impact your entire life. Contact our Helpline by:

• phone: 0300 636 5478
• email: support@ocdaction.org.uk

And please remember that you’re never alone; OCD Action is here to support you.

Best wishes,

Forum Moderators

[Forum Moderators]

Hello:

Forum Moderators again; We just want to remind you that you can also contact the OCD Action Helpline to talk to or email someone who understands OCD.

You can get confidential information and support for your OCD from a Helpline volunteer who knows how OCD can impact your life. Contact our Helpline by:

• phone: 0300 636 5478
• email: support@ocdaction.org.uk

We hope this reminder is helpful,

Best wishes,

Forum Moderators

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