Back at home

[RosenrotParticipant]

Hi again,

I am back home with my parents. They do not have much space unfortunately and with the current restrictions and all of us being home all day, it will not be easy either. But it is surely better than before, I can use a clean kitchen and bathroom and sleep at night.
I have just plunged into the new semester but have not really read anything yet, I am just trying to get an overview of what lies ahead. It will be difficult, too, to take the semester from Germany. All libraries here are completely shut down and I am already struggling to get access to all the literature I need. And my semester already started last week…so I really need to read at least two or three texts today to not fall behind. But there is still a lot to be done about my abrupt departure, I have to hand in a medical certificate to cancel my housing contract early (but cannot actually go to the doctor in person here due to quarantine), have to check that I complied with all the current regulations upon entry in Germany (not even the people you reach calling the information hotlines know what the rules are exactly anymore…). I already feel a bit overwhelmed again. On the other hand side I know that I would not have done more in the terrible student apartment either… hm. The question also remains if I should go/have to go to Scandinavia again for my third semester at least, for the internship, if I find a more decent place to live… it seems another complicated year lies ahead.

Yesterday I paniced after I had taken a shower and wanted to get dressed for the night. I picked up some pyjamas I had unpacked from my suitcase but suddenly a thought crossed my mind … had I maybe worn them in the smelly apartment, maybe even worn them to go to the bathroom there (I still feel sick just thinking about that bathroom…)… in fact I knew I had packed all the clothes (except some bras?) that I had worn in the apartment in separate plastic bags but suddenly I was not sure anymore… in the end I managed to at least not take another shower but I had to ask my mother for another set of pyjamas because I felt so bad about mine from the suitcase. I hope I will trust myself and be able to put all my seemingly clean clothes which were not in plastic bags into the wardrobe today.
I struggle to touch the very contaminated clothes, which I had packed into plastic bags, to put them into the washing machine…
Again it is a very particular thing that activated the OCD – a disgusting apartment. It nearly felt haunted to me, and I just had a very bad feeling about it. And now I worry which things have possibly had contact with what… in the apartment and what I actually cleaned already and… I got very afraid yesterday. It feels like a dark magic in my life sometimes. Which is bad because it seems I will always have to be afraid of encountering people or places that will make me shake and shudder of disgust and fear….just like that…. It is unfortunate that it often takes us some time to realize our potentials and then it feels too late to still pursue a career in this field (even for a 27 years old person like me…).

Supermarkets are the only shops that are opened in Germany but as I am in quarantine I cannot go there myself at the moment. I am not even allowed to take walks outside…

[Author]

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