1 year in

Hi everyone,

[Comment edited by moderators] I haven’t been on in a while. I’ve come back to sort of talk about my OCD and the progress I’ve made since then. If I recall correctly, I developed OCD instantaneously on April 10th after a surge of anxiety and the question “Am I gay?” passed through my head. Since then, stuff has gone down hill in so many ways. It feels like my empathy and emotions has reduced, my minds all messed up, and I’ve had so many feelings and thoughts that made me think I was a murderer, sociopath, etc. It’s been a rough year. At start of my OCD, I did a lot of rituals and checks and whatever because of all the crazy thoughts I had running through my head. This went on for months and of course it only made things worse. I got in contact with a psychoanalyst (who did diagnose me with OCD), and overtime I slowly learned mindfulness, my rituals stopped, my thoughts calmed down, etc. I still have lots of weird feelings and still have lots of thought she had, but I’ve become so used to them that I have basically just adapted to having these feelings. I’ve essentially said to myself, “Oh well. What does it matter anymore if these feelings make me gay or not. It’s not even something to bother worrying about as much anymore.”

Fast-forward to today: I currently have a very beautiful and lovely girlfriend in my life. However… there is an issue. I guess I have a possible interest in solely the feminine aspects? I noticed I engaged in this type much easier than normal stuff which… really worried me. I started to feel a sudden lack of love and interest in my girlfriend. I’m still with her, but I’m worried that I’ve unearthed something. Before my OCD, I was 100% positive that I was straight. I could literally look at it and not feel anything from it. I wasn’t even attracted to feminine ones back then. Men did not faze me one bit in any way or romantically in any shape or form. In fact I was kind of repulsed by it (not in a discriminatory way that is). However, it feels like… my OCD actually honestly caused a shift in me. As if I’m actually one now.

I’m not afraid to admit it. I’ve accepted this all which is why I’m not longer tortured by my OCD as much.

However, I’m starting to become convinced I’m genuinely interested in more than just women now. I’m worried about my girlfriend and I. I’m worried I’ll have to ultimately split apart from her if I continue feeling this way. I’m scared in a way. I truly do love her and I feel as if I still do, but ever since I engaged in it I’ve been feeling iffy and worried about who I really am now and how this will impact my girlfriend. No matter how much I try to not let myself believe it, I can’t help but truly think that ever since my mentality was struck by OCD, my life actually made a shift as well.

Overall, I guess I have made some progress. It’s good that I no longer am so constantly tortured by my thoughts and feelings, but I still feel these urges and thoughts regardless. And now, I’m being confronted with the possibility that my life has genuinely changed with all the evidence presented in front of me and how this will affect my current relationship. I personally hope I turn out to be at least so there’s a chance for me not to meet a terrible end with my lover. Since she’s one as well, that could also be something else we could share and bond over.

Anyways, thanks for reading this.

This was more a stress-release kind of post where I decided to let some things out by telling others my progress so far with something that has plagued me for about a year now. So many others suffer from OCD so I wanted to tell them that with enough perseverance, you certainly can minimize those thoughts and feelings in almost nothingness (or to a point where they’re extremely minimal/unbothersome like I have). I’m also hoping to hear if anyone else here can relate to my current present-day situation where they feel as if they are genuinely one now and are in a tight situation because of it whether it be because of them being with someone of a certain gender just like me and my girlfriend.

Thanks once again to everyone who read this. Hope you all make it through your struggles against OCD.