26 March 2020 - 12:57
I feel I have experienced just about every theme!
Right now I am worried about ROCD.
So, my pocd was strong 10 years ago so obviously this led to me not really wanting to sexually engage with my husband. I remember just laying in bed a lot years ago even when I was with him, just depressed. My OCD now is trying to tell me it's because I wasn't happy with him, I wasn't sexually attracted.
Then also I have always got bad, mean thoughts about some people's appearance, usually those close to me. So, the fact I get it about him is telling me that I don't find him attractive. I do, but I wish OCD would leave me alone about that one thing.
Also, he shaved the other day and I got mad. I love his facial hair. So my OCD was like well if you don't like him without facial hair, that is actually what he looks like, you must not really love him or find his real self attractive.
When I was younger, I would always hear about weight and exercise, etc. I'm not skinny. I'm trying to lose weight. But I feel like that stuff has maybe found its way into my marriage. I will tell him things like "are you really eating again" or stuff like that. I do have a huge heart so I am not trying to be mean because when I typed that I realized how awful that sounds.
I read somewhere we could have that BDD (body image thing) about ourself but we could also have reverse BDD about someone else.
I just feel like I don't deserve him. What if my OCD was right and sometimes I didn't want to hug, kiss, or do sexual stuff with him because of the attractive thing? Don't couples find each other attractive all the time?
Also, I remember when sometimes I knew we were going to actually do that when the kids went to bed, I would read some x-rated stories, but I am pretty sure I read them and thought of us when I was reading it, at least I hope so. I feel like since I read it first, that meant I am not attracted and I had to read the story to want to do it.
AHHH I wish I could escape my mind.
Should I tell him about all this rocd stuff? Or is that just OCD making me feel like I have to?