POCD or not, I'm so tired please help me

26 March 2020 - 18:39

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Hello everyone. I know I shouldn't look for reassurance but my next appointment with my therapist is next week and I can't hold back anymore. I am a 19 year old girl and I think I suffered from Ocd  most of my life. Recently i have been diagnosed with anxiety and ocd by two different therapists, but there is still a lot of doubt ... For some months now I have been fighting daily with what appears to be pocd. The first times were really hard, I have never been so male before (sorry if I'm melodramatic). For a month now, although I'm still very bad, something has changed ... In the morning I feel a strong sense of nausea and malaise for the thoughts and the general situation, but as the day continues, I start to become more and more apathetic towards the thoughts which in theory should be a positive thing ... The problem is that during this feeling of apathy I start to think "if I am so calm is it because I accepted it?" "am I attracted to children?" "I'm really a pedo" "I'm pretending and actually I'm like that?" and other thoughts .. The problem is that I have this strange feeling that tells me that everything I say is true and although it is very strong to try to do through this feeling, this remains and this thing cry. Now all I do is cry. I tried to counter this whole situation by looking at picture of men  that I found attractive before this  but now I no longer seem to feel anything, and this feed all the thoughts listed above. I also try to think about my past relationships and I feel a state of absurd confusion. I feel scarred for life and without hope. This thing took everything away from me: my opinions, my identity, my plans for the future. The only good thing I could do is end my life but I don't have the courage to do that either. Never in my life would I have ever thought of making such an end and never in my life will I lift a finger on a child. I can't take it anymore I'm at the limit ... I feel like don't deserve anything anymore...

26 March 2020 - 19:18

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Hey I'm liam, I'm 27 and I've had ocd for since I can remember and I'm going through the worst ocd hell right now too.

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