27 March 2020 - 20:14
Hello. I've done this before, and asked for help before. I know it ultimately just worsens the anxiety cycle in the long run to ask for reassurance, and I will keep it short. There is one thing that I believe would make my problem go away if I could just set it straight. (My therapist thinks the opposite; she thinks that no one thing can fix it and that the only solution is to lean in to the uncertainty blah blah blah) But I need help. The one thing that I believe causes my problem to persist is that these rumination periods did not start with a weird random thought; they started with a feeling. A feeling that I believe to be attraction. Yes, I felt panic and shame and anxiety and did not want to feel that feeling, but I felt it nonetheless. My little cousin was in shorts and I looked at her soft legs and I wanted her. And then this hell started. There are times when I think I am getting over it, and then there are times when I feel like this whole illusion is crumbling. I don't even know what help I am looking for anymore.