14 April 2020 - 12:31
Well the worst thing happened to me today. The only solace I can find in it is that I think it literally can never get any worse than this, and again it starts with me masturbating, which has become such a torturous exercise for me now that I think I would rather cut my dick off than continue having the desire to do it. I feel I’ve really screwed myself over this time, I don’t feel human, I feel like my life is over as a result of this one thing that I’m not even sure I can blame on ocd. So like I say I was masturbating, and I was getting pretty close to climaxing when I was struck with the most repulsive image that has been circulating in my mind for some days now- a man having sex with a baby. Now like I said, I hate masturbating now because every time I do my head becomes rife with these images that are just impossible to ignore, and the fear of me actually acting on them is so so intense and most of the time I am so cautious in avoiding it, but there have a been a few occasions where I seemed to encourage such images. None worse than this though, which I guess is mostly due to the appalling nature of the image. As it came into my head, and I don’t know whether this is true or if the ocd is telling me this is what happened, but it felt like I decided to masturbate to it because, given the likelihood that it would give me a very strong groinal response, it would help me reach climax quicker. It wasn’t because I liked the image, I just wanted it to be over; masturbating is no longer about enjoying myself and having a nice orgasm, it’s about doing everything I can to ensure that I orgasm without doing something disgusting. In this instance though, it felt like I was willing to think of this awful thing if it meant it would get me there quicker. It didn’t last for long at all though, I probably thought about it for a second and then quickly thought about normal things. So like I say, I didn’t think of it because I actually liked the thought- trust me I hate it- and it may have even been the ocd that made me think that I should just think of it for the sake of getting it over with, but I’m wondering, like, if that was my genuine intent, am I a sicko? I hope this will be read by people who understand the torture of masturbating with this condition, if this was read by someone who doesn’t have or understand pocd, they probably would say that that is at the very least an unacceptable thing to do, but when you’re so desperately fighting to not think of these things, it feels like you’ll do anything to get the whole agonising process over with, even if that means actually thinking of the thoughts for a split second. At least that’s how I seemed to feel in this instance. Please bear that in mind though that it really was just for a split second that I encouraged it, I didn’t continue to think of until I came, I would never do that.
Please help me people. I feel numb. I can’t move, speak, eat, look myself in the mirror. It feels like I have finally allowed this ocd to make me into the thing I least want to be. Thank you.