Years ago I lost a notebook that revealed my ocd...

14 June 2019 - 20:36

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I have not been to a therapist.

I don’t really want one honestly. I know I had ocd and in episodes since I was in preschool. I have had what you would call germophobia, contamination, counting, harm, prayer, homosexuality, POCD...Also always has weird fears. 

This is something I figure everyone is better off not knowing or at least no more. Here is a tough fact....I am an adult now. Back in 2006 I wrote about it in a journal and left the journal at school in class...My teacher had asked if I left it when it went in for tutoring...It was so horrible. I wanted to die. She said she thought she saw my name on the notebook. How could I have done that....? Why was I carrying this around?....It was also just one week or less since I had found out it was ocd from a book I read at the library....I was probably about to get better. 

Someone took it. I do remember tearing out the worst page about POCD. But the rest I can’t seem to recall like a mental block. I think a kid one day in the hallway sitting at a desk, who saw me, may have tried to tell me that someone had my notebook but I could barely hear him and was afraid so I decided I wanted to just walk away. I felt so scared—he could have just been saying something else but now I’ll never know. Someone knows about it....I was afraid to ever get a job locally and my family didn’t understand. I had thought about killing myself in the bathroom at school. But, I didn’t want anyone else to find out or my family...I actually also didn’t want the finder to blame themself. But I’ll be honest, I was mostly mad at them. All they had to do was return it later but out of fear I suppose they wanted to keep it. I wonder what they did with it. I have surprisingly found hope and happiness. 

Ther are some thoughts that just bother me more. Others I can’t remember. I am not sure what to do some days and still want to give up...

 

 

 

14 June 2019 - 20:51

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Alas...I’m still here all these years later. I have since concluded I am not what I fear. But then I still have to contend with the shame of ever having the thoughts. Also sometimes a bad thought still comes up I’ve just learned to be like “whatever” but some really upset me for apparently the rest of my life. I actually hope this somehow helps someone to read and not feel so bad about their story.

 

 

This post has been thanked 1 time. 15 June 2019 - 3:55

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i am going through the same myself. i write down notes(essays) everytime there is an ocd attack. over the years i have written 100s of notes. i had the notes saved in my pen drive and i lost it last week. its irresponsible i know . i also had my university certificates and documents, family birthday and anniversary pics in the pen drive. i lost it and someone found it. fortunately the pendrive also had some screenshots from my phone, the person who found it got my mom's number from that screenshot and returned us my pendrive. the notes were mostly in the format "ignore ocd, i know its ocd, its my brain its not me, don't let ocd win"i had written about the arguments that goes on in my brain. i had written about how ocd tortures me everyday, how painful it is to live with ocd, some of the articles i read on ocd on internet etc etc. i was really worried that someone will misunderstand. the man who returned the pendrive asked my mom "who has ocd problems".

      

18 June 2019 - 20:55

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Thanks for sharing—I’m sorry about that happening and surprised the person actually asked. But could be them showing they understood (?). 

I remember writing it down to heal. I’m just mad to think back I carried it—it was my fault. I even hesitated sharing anything ever again but then I figured it’s best here. Best wishes to you 

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