14 June 2019 - 20:36
I have not been to a therapist.
I don’t really want one honestly. I know I had ocd and in episodes since I was in preschool. I have had what you would call germophobia, contamination, counting, harm, prayer, homosexuality, POCD...Also always has weird fears.
This is something I figure everyone is better off not knowing or at least no more. Here is a tough fact....I am an adult now. Back in 2006 I wrote about it in a journal and left the journal at school in class...My teacher had asked if I left it when it went in for tutoring...It was so horrible. I wanted to die. She said she thought she saw my name on the notebook. How could I have done that....? Why was I carrying this around?....It was also just one week or less since I had found out it was ocd from a book I read at the library....I was probably about to get better.
Someone took it. I do remember tearing out the worst page about POCD. But the rest I can’t seem to recall like a mental block. I think a kid one day in the hallway sitting at a desk, who saw me, may have tried to tell me that someone had my notebook but I could barely hear him and was afraid so I decided I wanted to just walk away. I felt so scared—he could have just been saying something else but now I’ll never know. Someone knows about it....I was afraid to ever get a job locally and my family didn’t understand. I had thought about killing myself in the bathroom at school. But, I didn’t want anyone else to find out or my family...I actually also didn’t want the finder to blame themself. But I’ll be honest, I was mostly mad at them. All they had to do was return it later but out of fear I suppose they wanted to keep it. I wonder what they did with it. I have surprisingly found hope and happiness.
Ther are some thoughts that just bother me more. Others I can’t remember. I am not sure what to do some days and still want to give up...