16 February 2020 - 1:01
I’m starting to really think I’m truly a lesbian. If someone could read this and give me some advice or tell me that this still is considered HOCD or if it’s truly denial that would be great. I know this is still considered reassurance seeking but that honestly doesn’t even work for me anymore I just want to hear what others have to say it doesn’t change my thinking for a little anymore.
So first things first every time I see something like women dancing on social media or a pretty lady or something my mind goes “oh you can look at those things to check” but then another part goes “you know you just want to look at it anyway” and then like a “happy sensation” I guess you can say comes over me. idk. But like that second thought never occurred before.
Secondly, when I see a beautiful women like a sensation comes over me every time and it’s annoying but at the same time I’m starting to feel like I like it. This part has been happening for a awhile.
Third, I’m starting to not even believe I’m straight myself like I used to be able to know I’m straight for a fact and now I don’t even know.
Fourth, I saw a picture of my boyfriend and he looked a little femenino in it and now that’s what a see sometimes when I see a picture of him, but not in person
Fifth, I can say I am lesbian now out loud to myself and I repeatedly go in the mirror look myself in the eye and say “I’m straight” and then say “I’m gay or lesbian” and I feel like I don’t even believe myself when I say I’m straight and like a nice sensation comes every once in awhile when I say I’m gay. But sometimes I do feel disgust after I say I’m gay.
Lastly, I do not want to be gay. I’ve read and heard and understand that that’s not a choice. I used to be able to say I’m not worried about the outside world or what the people around me believe but now when I say that I think I’m lying to myself idk. But I really don’t and these thoughts are starting to make me mad and when you’re angry isn’t that more of a sign of denial than HOCD?
If someone could respond that’d me great, thank you in advance!