What to do now HOCD

16 February 2020 - 1:01

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Hi everyone,

I’m starting to really think I’m truly a lesbian. If someone could read this and give me some advice or tell me that this still is considered HOCD or if it’s truly denial that would be great. I know this is still considered reassurance seeking but that honestly doesn’t even work for me anymore I just want to hear what others have to say it doesn’t change my thinking for a little anymore. 

So first things first every time I see something like women dancing on social media or a pretty lady or something my mind goes “oh you can look at those things to check” but then another part goes “you know you just want to look at it anyway” and then like a “happy sensation” I guess you can say comes over me. idk. But like that second thought never occurred before.

Secondly, when I see a beautiful women like a sensation comes over me every time and it’s annoying but at the same time I’m starting to feel like I like it. This part has been happening for a awhile.

Third, I’m starting to not even believe I’m straight myself like I used to be able to know I’m straight for a fact and now I don’t even know.

Fourth, I saw a picture of my boyfriend and he looked a little femenino in it and now that’s what a see sometimes when I see a picture of him, but not in person  

Fifth, I can say I am lesbian now out loud to myself and I repeatedly go in the mirror look myself in the eye and say “I’m straight” and then say “I’m gay or lesbian” and I feel like I don’t even believe myself when I say I’m straight and like a nice sensation comes every once in awhile when I say I’m gay. But sometimes I do feel disgust after I say I’m gay.  

Lastly, I do not want to be gay. I’ve read and heard and understand that that’s not a choice. I used to be able to say I’m not worried about the outside world or what the people around me believe but now when I say that I think I’m lying to myself idk. But I really don’t and these thoughts are starting to make me mad and when you’re angry isn’t that more of a sign of denial than HOCD?

If someone could respond that’d me great, thank you in advance! 

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16 February 2020 - 2:33

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HOCD was my first obsession 20 years ago. I was 15 and I called someone a lesbian and she said " takes one to know one" and I broke everyday for 2 years after that to the point I was carving not gay into my legs with a knife.

One night I was crying thinking about killing myself and I said to myself "fine I'm gay"

I'm currently laid in bed with my boyfriend of five years. I'm not gay! I just got to the point that I wasn't bothered if I was. Actually most of the time when my fella is doing my head in I really wish I was

16 February 2020 - 3:04

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I’m sorry to hear what happened, and I’m glad you’re better now. Did any of the things I listed above occur to you as well? And is there anything you suggest I do?

This post has been thanked 1 time. 16 February 2020 - 7:37

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Hi!  

I’ve seen a couple of your posts and honestly It’s like you are writing how I feel! I also have a boyfriend whom I love very which can escalate the stress. Have you considered erp therapy? I’m currently on a waitlist with an ocd therapist, but in the meantime I’m working with my therapist of 4 years who is actually a Gay man. He said something that helped me a bit He said it’s a feeling first rather than a thought. Which I know you said you feel like you are, but I believe that is truly the anxiety aspect  

I would look into therapy, reading some books on ocd. Try not to check, stay calm , and don’t dissect thoughts. Hope that helps a bit! You can overcome this!

16 February 2020 - 13:59

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Hi Srein

Thank you very much, and I do hope that it is just the anxiety too. It probably is because the days when I don’t feel anything to my thoughts I’m actually kind of happy that I do not, but then I’m like “am I sure it’s gone?” and then I check until it comes back and I’m upset again. I hope erp therapy goes well for you please keep me updated I would like to know how it goes for someone with a similar situation. 

 

Is there anything I posted that does not relate to you at all?

 

 

16 February 2020 - 16:59

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With all of my obsessions since I've done a lot of checking. Like you did in the Mirror or with interest searches. It's typical ocd behaviour.

I suggest speaking to a doctor! Sertraline anti depression drugs really helped me and so did CBT.

I won't say don't worry because it doesn't help. I would stay stop checking and testing yourself. You're not in the right heads space to decide on your sexuality so maybe focus on getting over this period of anxiety and then revisit your sexuality. Fact is your sexuality doesn't matter your mental health does ♥️♥️

16 February 2020 - 17:32

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Thank you!

Just one more thing. I was just recently on my phone watching a video and a pretty lady came up and like a sensation as if I liked her immediately came over me. I didn’t like it the sensation it made me upset, I don’t like the feeling I get when I see an attractive women. I used to be able to notice a women’s attractiveness and all this dumb stuff wouldn’t happen, it’s so annoying.

Does this sound like OCD or a genuine affection in denial.

This post has been thanked 1 time. 16 February 2020 - 18:03

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Hi!  

There isn’t something you haven’t said that doesn’t resonate with me. Of course I’m giving you reassurance which I shouldn’t but I know how this whole process can make you feel crazy. I couldn’t eat, I’m a hairdresser and I was scared to look at my clients, could barely watch TV because the checking and intrusive thoughts were non stop and I mean women are half the population so how do you avoid it lol.  I have a couple of family members who are Gay and it was never a process like this when they knew or were in the closet. which is why when you feel those false feelings just tell yourself it is the anxiety, it is an obsession and let it be  there is an Instagram page that’s helped me it’s called ocdrecoryuk and it’s help me piece together the thought process. Also some podcasts have helped me as well. Switching your focus on how ocd is a whole might help them thoughts to not feel so real. It takes time and there  are good days and bad days but don’t give up. 

 

 

This post has been thanked 2 times. 17 February 2020 - 20:24

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I notice woman all the time, not because I'm attracted to them. But just because we all make observations your anxious so you'll see these observations as an absolute nightmare. I'll see a woman with a great bum think 'great arse' and move on. I'm not gay! It's human to notice

19 February 2020 - 6:02

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Hi blade!  

It’s called ocd recovery by Ali greymond. I listen on Spotify but she has a YouTube Channel as well and does Skype appointments. 

22 February 2020 - 0:30

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Hocd is a pain in the butt it’s giving me hell right now ☹️.

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