Unwanted thoughts about my sexuality

This post has been thanked 1 time. 13 June 2019 - 22:24

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I have been having issues to do with my sexuality and I thought I’d share here because I’ve been able to relate to other posts I’ve read similar to my situation. I have always been a straight female. Never once have I had a crush on anyone of the same gender, I’ve always liked men. However, I began to question it. At first it was not serious at all, it was a simple “what if?” But I always came to the conclusion that I was straight, and that was it. But overtime this issue seems to keep coming back, and lasts longer and has a bigger impact. I began to do things a certain amount of times because I believed If i didn’t it meant I wasn’t straight (ridiculous I know) and it was these types of thoughts playing in my head. I began watching intimate things just to reassure myself that I was straight. I have always been disgusted by female bodies, Which had me think I was straight and the issue would go temporarily, but it kept coming back and I kept testing myself that It wasn’t reliving me like it was, I began to not even recognise my own emotions, I was so confused that I was lying to myself all this time and I really never liked men which made me panic. I still have these issues, and there only getting worse. I began to think of girls in my classes in romantic ways and I began to believe I had crushes on them, I’d even get butterflies and excitement around them, but the second I stopped thinking about my sexuality they stopped. I have fears that I’ll react to them sexually that I actually do, and this led me to more belief I wasn’t straight. Ive known these girls in my classes but I never had any romantic feelings for them or any girl, but ever since these issues began to arise these feelings have appeared and it terrifies me. Have I really been lying to myself all this time. It effects me so much I look in the mirror and don’t even know who I am or recognise myself. People say be honest with yourself but I have no idea what I want. Consciously I like men but I have a fear that subconsciously I really don’t and I’m lying to myself, and I just don’t know what to do. Am I in denial? Am I bisexual? I’ve always liked men and never liked women but I don’t know anymore I’m so confused and scared, I don’t know who I am anymore. I’ve never reached out for help ever, this is my first time. My parents don’t understand, and i have extreme trust issues from past experiences and I’ve just always been used to healing myself with no help, but this issue has been so terrifying I just need help, please someone help me. 

14 June 2019 - 8:41

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Back in the day, I felt ashamed to think my classmate was pretty, and that I could be gay. I eventually got to thinking I like no one intimately, but prefer men.

Also my thoughts were affected by how society saw it as well. Maybe it could help to list the qualities you’d like in a partner overall, apart from the intimate life. It seems, that you feel worried about the content of the thoughts as well and feel they are taboo (?). 

Ocd will work it’s way by trying to balance the mind but not in ways that make sense and rather creates more suggestions for you to think about and make them intense.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This post has been thanked 1 time. 14 June 2019 - 10:48

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I think it s just normal for hocd,as you said,you should stop thinking sexually,and step by step will dissapear,it sounds easier than it really is,but realising that this thoughts are just thoughts,not thoughts that you want you will get better

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