13 June 2019 - 22:24
I have been having issues to do with my sexuality and I thought I’d share here because I’ve been able to relate to other posts I’ve read similar to my situation. I have always been a straight female. Never once have I had a crush on anyone of the same gender, I’ve always liked men. However, I began to question it. At first it was not serious at all, it was a simple “what if?” But I always came to the conclusion that I was straight, and that was it. But overtime this issue seems to keep coming back, and lasts longer and has a bigger impact. I began to do things a certain amount of times because I believed If i didn’t it meant I wasn’t straight (ridiculous I know) and it was these types of thoughts playing in my head. I began watching intimate things just to reassure myself that I was straight. I have always been disgusted by female bodies, Which had me think I was straight and the issue would go temporarily, but it kept coming back and I kept testing myself that It wasn’t reliving me like it was, I began to not even recognise my own emotions, I was so confused that I was lying to myself all this time and I really never liked men which made me panic. I still have these issues, and there only getting worse. I began to think of girls in my classes in romantic ways and I began to believe I had crushes on them, I’d even get butterflies and excitement around them, but the second I stopped thinking about my sexuality they stopped. I have fears that I’ll react to them sexually that I actually do, and this led me to more belief I wasn’t straight. Ive known these girls in my classes but I never had any romantic feelings for them or any girl, but ever since these issues began to arise these feelings have appeared and it terrifies me. Have I really been lying to myself all this time. It effects me so much I look in the mirror and don’t even know who I am or recognise myself. People say be honest with yourself but I have no idea what I want. Consciously I like men but I have a fear that subconsciously I really don’t and I’m lying to myself, and I just don’t know what to do. Am I in denial? Am I bisexual? I’ve always liked men and never liked women but I don’t know anymore I’m so confused and scared, I don’t know who I am anymore. I’ve never reached out for help ever, this is my first time. My parents don’t understand, and i have extreme trust issues from past experiences and I’ve just always been used to healing myself with no help, but this issue has been so terrifying I just need help, please someone help me.