told my girlfriend

19 June 2019 - 23:03

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so think I have just come out to my girlfriend which obviously was a lot of tears from us both as I am so confused. I feel completely different to you guys/girls on here where you offer disgust and no liking the thought where I actually feel like I want to act on these thoughts. I imagine kissing men and I like it have I just been clouded by been told it’s Ocd because I didn’t want to accept true desires and was easy for me to put a disorder to it. My girlfriend believes that this can’t be OCD as I actually like the thoughts. I feel like I am going to explode with all this if I just don’t let go and go out and act on something I feel I want to do. I watch gay pornography as and want to feel what they feel within the sexual act. This is effecting my mental health in a big scale now and just feel like I am potentially in the wrong website l. Yes my thoughts plague me day in day out but will going out and acting on it make me feel better and help me gather confirmation. This seems like a big case of denial to me and almost feel the stereotypical action of i have always known I am gay i just didn’t want to be. Please any advice and guidance would be greatly appreciated and also from openly gay people on here who could offer support

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24 June 2019 - 16:24

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thank you. I didn’t get the thoughts of men when I was 16 I was dating a girl who made a passing comment to me and bam It just evolved from there  I think i was closer to 18 as I remember when this started when I was going to the England World Cup in Portugal. It’s hard to distinguish if the thoughts are pleasurable or not this is how messed up I am. I mean I run through scenarios in my head about giving oral and kissing men(sorry I know I am repeating myself) but it just doesn’t make me repulsed and feel because I am not repulsed I want act on it to see what it’s like to get my answer. I have been in gay clubs before with friends back in the day and never run away . I remember been on Canal Street years ago in Manchester and saw this guy and thought I could kiss him and take him home. I live my girlfriend and enjoy sex with her but I always try and put myself in her position when she is giving me oral, the thought of sucking a mans penis doesn’t repulse me and I think I could go out and do it. 

24 June 2019 - 17:08

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So basically you are doubting everything ) Including your sexuality, you dont actually know for sure you would like it, all you know is you dont get repulsed by the idea of having sex with a man. This is OCD. This is what OCD does to you. So when you had these thoughts first, there was anxiety, then you got desensitized to these thoughts. This is ERP, however you are doing it wrong. ERP means exposure and response prevention, you are doing the exposure, but you are not doing the response prevention. You are exposing yourself to the thoughts, but at the same you ask yourself all kinds of questions and do testing. This only makes things worse. If you decide to stay with these thoughts you cannot constantly test the content, because this makes the thoughts come more and because you do (like ALL of us) all kinds of cognitive mistakes, you've come to the conclusion that you are gay and you must like the thoughts and you must do what these thoughts tell you (simply because you are not repulsed by these thoughts).

For example for some easier ocd, a person is afraid of germs, so that person is asked to stick her hand in a pot with mud and dont do anything about it. This will help that person realise that there is no danger from doing this and that germs dont work this way. Now if this person at the same thinks that germs will climb on her hand and somehow infect her, then this wont work (because in reality in doesnt work this way). For HOCD the goal is to make you not be afraid of these thoughts, thoughts cant do anything, thoughts only exist in our brain, actions however can do alot of stuff, good and bad stuff.

Also you keep testing non-stop, by testing non-stop you are actually training your brain to react to the trigger. From what you said, you get an errection when you masturbate to gay porn, was it always like this? Or did you try so much that its the actual psysical stimulation doing this and not your brain (pleasure). You can train your brain to do anything, if you do one thing for long enough your brain will start playing along.

Now if you have an obsessive mind, you will understand that all my replies have made my mind sticky to this subject again...so i will spend some time thinking about gay stuff also, but i'm not going to test if i like the content, i'm just going to let the thoughts be and maybe make fun about myself and my thoughts ))

Now the above being said, if you want to experiment go ahead and do it. We all have the choice to do what we want!

Hope this helps!

30 June 2019 - 22:50

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hi OCD80 thank you for the reply much appreciated and sorry for the delay I have been taking some time away from the site. I never got hard watching got an erection watching gay porn i would just sit there an watch it waiting for a some sort of lightbulb to switch or some sort of level of dislike or like and would sit there for hours watching different videos. I completely understand with what you are saying about I have had a very good 5 days and had a really good chat with my girlfriend about this for about 2 hours and  is 100% convinced that I am attracted to women especially with how intense I am with her in the bedroom enjoying give her foreplay etc... you get my drift. I hug her and get an erection and get really turned on when kissing her and doing things sexual with her. I have started to learn that I have to start to learn to live with the uncertainty and not give me thoughts any fuel to need that 100% answer of knowing. Yes I have grown up as a young child having different themes, light switching 3 times, tapping stuff 3 times, kissing walls, bending over to imagine things anal. I am starting to read some OCD books which are helping massively but still have this niggle in my head about potentially been in denial. Do you have on online therapy courses that have helped you. Sorry about the peppering messages the other day I just feel like I need an offload of everything I think of from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. Thank you for everything 

30 June 2019 - 23:20

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Your questoning and doubting should stop after you had sex with your girlfriend, but because you suffer from OCD it doesnt. You are like most HOCD suffers from this forum (including me) doubting everything, including your sexuality. You have to live without knowing 100% that you are not what you fear. Its so funny how we play ourselfs, like we have sex with a woman, we enjoy it, we actually get an errection by thinking about this woman. If you would be gay, you probably couldnt have sex with a woman...from what i've read...so yeah...you know what this means...

There are several books that i could recommend, but the best one is: Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts : A CBT-Based Guide to Getting Over Frightening, Obsessive, or Disturbing Thoughts.

After you feel better (and in time, because you might still be sensitive to this subject), if you find anything new...dont forget to give back to this community!

 

1 July 2019 - 22:15

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thanks will do I still have bad times like tonight and one of the reasons I don’t respond to people is I don’t want to be giving them false advice as I am not a therapist. One of the string things I picture in my head is going to a gay bar and feel like i know I am in the right place and feel like I really want to lunge into a kiss with a man and test it. Aaah back again

2 July 2019 - 10:51

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I've also considered several times not to write on this forum because i'm not a therapist, but most people come here looking for advice or even to share stories with other people that also suffer from OCD. If you have not been diagnosed with OCD by a licensed therapist, then i always recommend doing this first. Also before trying to do any exposure on your own, its better to learn with a therapist first. 

I also fall back into my own checking trap from time to time. What worked for me, is deciding what i want to do, after that whenever i feel the need to discuss or check with myself this subject, i would do everything possible not to start the checking/rumination. It doesnt work every time, but i learned slowly how to manage these thoughts.

So what i did in situations where i wanted to test if i would enjoy having sex with a man (because this would be the only explication for my thoughts, when in reality there are other reasons why i have these thoughts) i would actually say to myself, here we go again, i could probably enjoy this and then i continue what i'm doing, or lets see where this takes me and i would let my mind go wherever it wants without judgement...how you respond to these thoughts/compulsive needs is what makes the difference, if you avoid the thoughts, more will come, if you deny/push back these thoughts more will come, if you check the validity/reason of these thoughts, more will come, if you accept the content of the thoughts you dont feel good with yourself...so you could accept these thoughts as thoughts only, you could even make fun of these thoughts, you can even do whatever you want, your brain is your own universe...

2 July 2019 - 13:26

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Hi I have been diagnosed with OCD about 10 years ago when I originally started therapy then I had 5 years of good times but over the last 6 months become recently bad. There is something I keep seeing online about internalised homophobia has anyone comes across this before? 

2 July 2019 - 21:05

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Stop researching...its how OCD works, once you find enough info about internalized homophobia you will find another reason to think that you are gay. This is the best article i found about hocd/homosexuality (i've also read it some time ago, and i also feel the urge to read it again now, but i wont do it) [link removed by Moderator]

4 July 2019 - 21:11

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You asked if acting on these intrusive thoughts would make you feel better.  That's evidence that the thoughts are causing you pain and it's also a pretty strong indication that you are not gay so I would suggest that acting on them would not make you feel better but worse.  Also you said you didn't want to be gay.  Can an intrusive thought take control of your decision making skills?

I've read several posts about people having really absurd thoughts (I suffered from them many years ago) but I know that none of us are pedophiles, none of us are serial killers, none of us are terrible people, and I believe that very few (if any) are gay.  I believe that some people concede power over their decision making skills to the illness of OCD and I'm positive they will regret it  because if the illness can cotrol this area of your life, it can control any area of your life from here on out.

5 July 2019 - 13:14

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just find it hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel. My girlfriend and I sat down and spoke for about 2 hours last night and I was adamant to here that I now know I am gay, I was like I want to act on these desires to get my answer and she was like okay you need to go out and explore then it was very emotional and very hard for both of us but I don’t know if I can ever go on in my life without knowing the answer it’s crippling me. She asked if I go out and like it then it can’t be OCD and you actually like men so will this eventually give me peace from the graphic thoughts. I imagine kissing men and it seems to feel nice, I imagine scenarios of going down to touch his genitals and feels nice. I said to hear last night that I feel like OCD is something I have just clinged onto many of years ago, has this just been a route cause of denial. How do actually know I am not gay until I go out an explore isn’t that why people go out and experiment. Just don’t know what to believe these days with what’s true or what’s not. Just can’t make a full 100% decision on my own

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