told my girlfriend

19 June 2019 - 23:03

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so think I have just come out to my girlfriend which obviously was a lot of tears from us both as I am so confused. I feel completely different to you guys/girls on here where you offer disgust and no liking the thought where I actually feel like I want to act on these thoughts. I imagine kissing men and I like it have I just been clouded by been told it’s Ocd because I didn’t want to accept true desires and was easy for me to put a disorder to it. My girlfriend believes that this can’t be OCD as I actually like the thoughts. I feel like I am going to explode with all this if I just don’t let go and go out and act on something I feel I want to do. I watch gay pornography as and want to feel what they feel within the sexual act. This is effecting my mental health in a big scale now and just feel like I am potentially in the wrong website l. Yes my thoughts plague me day in day out but will going out and acting on it make me feel better and help me gather confirmation. This seems like a big case of denial to me and almost feel the stereotypical action of i have always known I am gay i just didn’t want to be. Please any advice and guidance would be greatly appreciated and also from openly gay people on here who could offer support

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24 June 2019 - 5:16

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Blade. You come to an OCD forum seeking help people are going to tell you it's just OCD. If you went to a coming out forum people would give you advise on how to explore you sexuality as a gay or bisexual person. You are going to get the advise that most fits the community. The good thing here is that either outcome is ok. Honestly if you had OCD say about having cancer that is a situation where one situation is actually a terrible outcome and the other is just OCD. In your case the reality is that both are actually fine outcomes. We can't tell you if you are gay or not. Only you can find out that truth for yourself. If you are well then that's something you will have to work on accepting. If you aren't well then you still have to work on accepting the intrusive thoughts. You can't run from either truth. The reason I'm recommending exploring this idea cautiously like with the gay bar idea is that unlike many people with OCD you actually have a safe way of answering your question that is tormenting you. For many people with OCD the kinds of things that go through their heads are not things they can explore because they are truly horrible things. That doesn't make them horrible people. Perhaps there is a side of you that thinks you would be a horrible person if you were gay, that would explain why it's such a bothersome thought you fight. Well that's another journey for you to make then, to get to a place where you realize there is nothing horrible at all about it regardless of whether you are gay or not.

24 June 2019 - 8:24

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I think it’s the only way I am going to find my answer I imagine kissing men and I seem to like it, I imagine giving oral and I seem to like it. How do  I accept the fact that I am gay though as these graphic thought plague me everyday 

 

24 June 2019 - 8:52

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and the ultimate question is how do I know if I am gay or it is OCD.

24 June 2019 - 9:29

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Blade118: check your last 2 replies, you are not sure you are gay (even though a few replies above you said you are sure you are gay)...does this sound like doubting to you? If these thoughts generate pleasure, genuine pleasure, i would explore the possibility that you are gay (if you've had sex with women and you like it, then you are bisexual). People with OCD dont like their thoughts, however they are caught in a circle (and anxiety is the main ingredient). From what you've wrote it feels like your obsession is now with being gay and that you like it, but you are still testing and checking.

Like others said, there is nothing wrong with being gay. Going to a gay bar (alone, you dont need friends to do this) you will see what happens...you either start runing the second a dude comes and tries to hook up with you or you will stay and enjoy the company.

Now how these words gay, straight...bisexual are being used doesnt seem correct to me (and i dont want to take away the power these words have), but the reality is that there is a scientifically sexual scale and most people are not 100% straight or 100% gay, most are both, we are sexual beings (considering we evolved from animals and the need to mate is the only "reason" to live). Most people dont explore their sexuality more than what society "accepts". It works both ways, its a choice, you can explore your sexuality, live with your decissions, or you can live with ocd (and doesnt even feel like ocd once you accept these thoughts) and learn how to deal with these thoughts. Most people dont care about sex, meaning they put family, job, hobbies, science...before sex, this means they choose to do this. If you have ocd, you have a sticky mind, meaning that you will obsess about a subject for a long period of time, how you react to this obsession can make it OCD or something else...

24 June 2019 - 14:28

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When hit with depression and anxiety, you’ll lost a lot motivation and feelings towards many things. I love video games but due to this I lose my interest easily and feel like not playing anymore. Same thing for Graphic design, I love it but this makes me less motivated and just disinterested. Now this is probably a whole lot different from liking a certain person but here me out. During these times and I would force myself, when not motivated to, to do these things and my interest level for these would decrease because I don’t want to do it at all. Forcing yourself to do something never works. So forcing feelings is not gonna work. Going to the thoughts, it’s just how it is, it’s not force by you to think that. It’s forced by your mind which then makes ruminate through these thoughts feel whatever anxiety wants you to feel.

OCD80 isn’t not being 100% straight or gay being bisexual? I know what you mean by choice, you choose what you want to do that’s life. That goes well for blade. Trust me when we say we all have considered that scale. I’ve read countless amount of articles about it and yeah it’s human nature for one to think sexually, violently, etc. that doesn’t mean most are half murderers or half suicidal or half a pedophile. But you do bring up a point where no one can really do these things because it illegal but there people who still do it everyday. Illegal or not, murders happen around the world, some for satisfaction, others for a purpose. Suicide isn’t really illegal, you just lose your life. People are willing to for various amount of reasons however those who just get a random thought of killing themselves when they aren’t really suicidal doesn’t put them in that discussion. It’s all morals and yea choice, but nothing stop assaults, murders, rape, etc. we all know that with these thoughts we get impulses or urges to do things we don’t to do because it goes against our moral and who we are. Just because someone gets a dream or a thought about doing things sexually with the same sex or vice versa (which is the whole human race) doesn’t mean they’re 90% of something and 10% something else. And with OCD, it’s still kind of looking for an answer, the person may try admit they are bi or 80% straight and 20% gay, in the end they are looking for definite answer of how they feel and the next they’ll feel like poop

24 June 2019 - 14:35

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If you quantify how much bi, straight or gay...you fall again in the trap of OCD. Its the same, you need reassurance that you are only xx% gay or straight or whatever. The idea is to accept these thoughts. The method you choose to accept these thoughts doesnt matter. There are 2 components to an ocd crisis, first its the obsession (for hocd is being gay, as a concept) and then its your reaction to the obsession. If you deny these thoughts more will come, if check the validity of the thoughts, more will come, so the solution is to accept these thoughts. This does not mean you accept what these thoughts say, you just accept that you have these thoughts, and you stop fearing these thoughts and the content, and you chose to live with these thoughts (the moment you are 100% commited to doing this, the intensity of the thoughts will lower consistently and you will be able to live your life, if you monitor yourself you will notice how you didnt ruminate all day, how you didnt think about gay stuff all day and so on...). The reason for having these thoughts does not matter, but if you want an explanation i wrote it in my previous post, all of this is part of human nature, however our response to this thoughts is maintaining the ocd/anxiety. Every book i've read mentions that 90% of humans have all kind of thoughts, from weird to illegal (for example, at work, a coleague does something you dont like and pop the thought i wish i could kill him...)...but they dont give importance to these thoughts, we on the other hand give to much importance...

24 June 2019 - 16:24

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thank you. I didn’t get the thoughts of men when I was 16 I was dating a girl who made a passing comment to me and bam It just evolved from there  I think i was closer to 18 as I remember when this started when I was going to the England World Cup in Portugal. It’s hard to distinguish if the thoughts are pleasurable or not this is how messed up I am. I mean I run through scenarios in my head about giving oral and kissing men(sorry I know I am repeating myself) but it just doesn’t make me repulsed and feel because I am not repulsed I want act on it to see what it’s like to get my answer. I have been in gay clubs before with friends back in the day and never run away . I remember been on Canal Street years ago in Manchester and saw this guy and thought I could kiss him and take him home. I live my girlfriend and enjoy sex with her but I always try and put myself in her position when she is giving me oral, the thought of sucking a mans penis doesn’t repulse me and I think I could go out and do it. 

24 June 2019 - 17:08

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So basically you are doubting everything ) Including your sexuality, you dont actually know for sure you would like it, all you know is you dont get repulsed by the idea of having sex with a man. This is OCD. This is what OCD does to you. So when you had these thoughts first, there was anxiety, then you got desensitized to these thoughts. This is ERP, however you are doing it wrong. ERP means exposure and response prevention, you are doing the exposure, but you are not doing the response prevention. You are exposing yourself to the thoughts, but at the same you ask yourself all kinds of questions and do testing. This only makes things worse. If you decide to stay with these thoughts you cannot constantly test the content, because this makes the thoughts come more and because you do (like ALL of us) all kinds of cognitive mistakes, you've come to the conclusion that you are gay and you must like the thoughts and you must do what these thoughts tell you (simply because you are not repulsed by these thoughts).

For example for some easier ocd, a person is afraid of germs, so that person is asked to stick her hand in a pot with mud and dont do anything about it. This will help that person realise that there is no danger from doing this and that germs dont work this way. Now if this person at the same thinks that germs will climb on her hand and somehow infect her, then this wont work (because in reality in doesnt work this way). For HOCD the goal is to make you not be afraid of these thoughts, thoughts cant do anything, thoughts only exist in our brain, actions however can do alot of stuff, good and bad stuff.

Also you keep testing non-stop, by testing non-stop you are actually training your brain to react to the trigger. From what you said, you get an errection when you masturbate to gay porn, was it always like this? Or did you try so much that its the actual psysical stimulation doing this and not your brain (pleasure). You can train your brain to do anything, if you do one thing for long enough your brain will start playing along.

Now if you have an obsessive mind, you will understand that all my replies have made my mind sticky to this subject again...so i will spend some time thinking about gay stuff also, but i'm not going to test if i like the content, i'm just going to let the thoughts be and maybe make fun about myself and my thoughts ))

Now the above being said, if you want to experiment go ahead and do it. We all have the choice to do what we want!

Hope this helps!

30 June 2019 - 22:50

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hi OCD80 thank you for the reply much appreciated and sorry for the delay I have been taking some time away from the site. I never got hard watching got an erection watching gay porn i would just sit there an watch it waiting for a some sort of lightbulb to switch or some sort of level of dislike or like and would sit there for hours watching different videos. I completely understand with what you are saying about I have had a very good 5 days and had a really good chat with my girlfriend about this for about 2 hours and  is 100% convinced that I am attracted to women especially with how intense I am with her in the bedroom enjoying give her foreplay etc... you get my drift. I hug her and get an erection and get really turned on when kissing her and doing things sexual with her. I have started to learn that I have to start to learn to live with the uncertainty and not give me thoughts any fuel to need that 100% answer of knowing. Yes I have grown up as a young child having different themes, light switching 3 times, tapping stuff 3 times, kissing walls, bending over to imagine things anal. I am starting to read some OCD books which are helping massively but still have this niggle in my head about potentially been in denial. Do you have on online therapy courses that have helped you. Sorry about the peppering messages the other day I just feel like I need an offload of everything I think of from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. Thank you for everything 

30 June 2019 - 23:20

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Your questoning and doubting should stop after you had sex with your girlfriend, but because you suffer from OCD it doesnt. You are like most HOCD suffers from this forum (including me) doubting everything, including your sexuality. You have to live without knowing 100% that you are not what you fear. Its so funny how we play ourselfs, like we have sex with a woman, we enjoy it, we actually get an errection by thinking about this woman. If you would be gay, you probably couldnt have sex with a woman...from what i've read...so yeah...you know what this means...

There are several books that i could recommend, but the best one is: Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts : A CBT-Based Guide to Getting Over Frightening, Obsessive, or Disturbing Thoughts.

After you feel better (and in time, because you might still be sensitive to this subject), if you find anything new...dont forget to give back to this community!

 

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