told my girlfriend

19 June 2019 - 23:03

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so think I have just come out to my girlfriend which obviously was a lot of tears from us both as I am so confused. I feel completely different to you guys/girls on here where you offer disgust and no liking the thought where I actually feel like I want to act on these thoughts. I imagine kissing men and I like it have I just been clouded by been told it’s Ocd because I didn’t want to accept true desires and was easy for me to put a disorder to it. My girlfriend believes that this can’t be OCD as I actually like the thoughts. I feel like I am going to explode with all this if I just don’t let go and go out and act on something I feel I want to do. I watch gay pornography as and want to feel what they feel within the sexual act. This is effecting my mental health in a big scale now and just feel like I am potentially in the wrong website l. Yes my thoughts plague me day in day out but will going out and acting on it make me feel better and help me gather confirmation. This seems like a big case of denial to me and almost feel the stereotypical action of i have always known I am gay i just didn’t want to be. Please any advice and guidance would be greatly appreciated and also from openly gay people on here who could offer support

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22 June 2019 - 22:26

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Hi thank you for the many responses and sorry for the delay in replying I have been very busy with work. You mentioned about the Milk situation saying you think you like it and knowing you like that is because we have tried it and if you like the taste of milk you like it and if you don’t like the taste of milk you don’t like it which leads me to what I have been saying all along that I need to go out and try it so see if I like it or not. I feel that I actually don’t need to go out and try it because I know I am gay. I was speaking to my girlfriend about this the other day and was questioning attraction and I see guys and go yeah he is good looking then i get thoughts of oral sex with them and imagine kissing them and it feel like I would I enjoy this which brings me back to my original question is the only way I am going to find out for certain is going out and doing it. Yes I have grown up with ocd with light switching, tapping stuff certain amount of times, brushing my teeth and gagging myself a certain amount of times, kissing walls imagining it to be a man, bending over and imagining anal, inserting things anally, role playing been in a bed with a man and acting scenes out. I have recently read about how to know if you really are gay/bisexual is to experiment how I feel with both men and women, so I am going to hook with a guy to see how I feel. My thoughts, feelings and playing the scenarios in my head seems to excite me. The only think that scares me now is facing my family and friends with this as very scared to tell them about my same sex attraction. Define what is same sex attraction because to me wanting to kiss them and have sexual encounters seems like I am far from SOCD

22 June 2019 - 23:35

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Alright let me ask you something.

Even with all the accepting you are gay and that you like your thoughts do you still check your arousal and check your emotions?

You wanna know how I fell about my SO-OCD for like the past month. I get constant thoughts of kissing certain men, being in romantic things with certain men, I would check gay porn all day to see if I like it, constantly repeat to my self that I’m gay or bi and that’s okay, get constant thoughts that I’m gay and should let everyone know, I came close to actually telling everyone that I’m gay, I have imagined myself receiving anal, giving oral, kissing men, imagining a bunch of men touching me in sexual ways, Get constant thoughts that I am in love with certain men, whenever heating love songs like Drake and stuff I get constant thought of men, when climacing I get thoughts of men, I wake up from gay dreams pretty much everyday, Get weird feelings that feels like I’m attracted to men, get constant thoughts saying “oh you think he’s cute, hot, sexy, handsome”, I got a thought once saying oh “you want his number”. I’ve gotten thoughts to tell men that I like them and shit... I’ve gotten to the point where I can’t escape them anymore. Video games can’t help me, I’ve lost motivation to due artworks, I’ve lost motivation to do anything now a days. 

Am I straight? I don’t fucking know anymore... I’ve sit with this shit for almost a year and it’s been killing me. Have I questioned my sexuality before? No. Am I gay/bi/ anything but straight? I don’t know anymore, I can’t think for a second without a thought like pops up. And it isn’t just gay stuff either. It’s also blood related thoughts as wells. Towards my sister, cousins, mother, father, aunts... Am I sexually and romantically attracted to family members? I DONT FUCKING KNOW... it gets to the point where I just feel numb everyday. I try to convince myself all the time, “Josh you are gay and you must accept it, after you accept yourself then you can tell everyone else, you like men, you want to have seen with men, get married with a men, Fuck your sister and family members. For fuck sake I can’t even be near my sister without a through popping up and it fucking sucks because that’s my damn sister. 

Bub you aren’t alone... I’ve legit felt everything you have felt. I be done most of the things you have done. I have imagined myself kissing other men when I was talking to a girl. I would imagine a guy giving me oral when she was to check to see how I felt and so on and so forth. 

It’s to the point where I’m convinced fully as well and i will again say “I’m gay and that’s okay, it’s 2019 and it’s acceptable, you’ll be happy when you aren’t in denial, you aren’t in love with these men and want to have sex with every other men in the world” the next day comes and I’m back at square one. I would constantly check pictures of good looking men and constantly tell myself I’m attracted to them because my mind keeps telling me I do. Same thing with gay porn and thoughts, I get thoughts saying you enjoy it and so I constantly tell myself that I enjoy it. I wouldn’t get hard but I would just tell myself that if I accept it then maybe I’ll finally feel good when masturbating and finally gets hard on for men. But I’m the end of the fucking day, what’s the one thing I want? I just the want the thoughts to stop so I can finally do things without anxiety popping up. I know in the end I’ll be fine, but when is the end? That’s something I look forward to.

Now here’s the difference between me and you bub. You in the other hand are wanting to experiment. Now if this want to experiment is for the sake of checking how you feel and see if the thoughts go away... then I’m sorry bub but I don’t think they are gonna because you aren’t the first person so go do that and come back even worse. Now if you actually want to do it because for all your life you wanted to see how it feels to with a man? Then go ahead bub no one can stop you except yourself. As much as my mind tells me, I honestly don’t want to experiment with men, that’s because I don’t want to do something I know I’ll regret doing, because I don’t want to at all. But you must really find out why you are deciding that you want to go and have sex with a man. You said that you went and actually put stuff up the region for the sake of checking and you didn’t enjoy and I’m pretty damn sure you had imagined the person penetrating you was a man to se show you feels and in the end it didn’t work and you were still obsessing. But I can’t stop you. You go on and do what you want, and whatever answer you get, then live your life from that. 

22 June 2019 - 23:42

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Sorry for the typos

23 June 2019 - 17:36

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the nana buddy have you been to a therapist have they clinically diagnosed you with OCD. You see what I don’t understand and become very frustrated you say it’s all about hitting puberty to realise you are gay, I have read multiple stories about people growing up and then realising they are gay in there 20’s 30’s and not even realising it before. Yes I believe I want to experiment to give me that ultimate answer so I can be at piece. How can anyone they don’t like something until they have tried it. The nanabuddy yes I have had  thoughts sexually about my family also.

23 June 2019 - 20:04

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I have bub, I told the therapist at first about the thoughts about suicide but not wanting to do it. The therapist then said they don’t know about that and asked me to ask my main therapist, who then still didn’t know what the hell was going on in my mind. He then scheduled an appt. for me with a psychiatrist who I told everything but I told her about all my thoughts vaguely to see how she would react but she still was calm and kept asking questions, mostly consisting of if I count, certain compulsions that are known throughout the world for OCD like contamination. She then told me when the thoughts come up how do I feel then asked me how do I try to cope with them. She then diagnosed me with with anxiety disorder, panic disorder, Depression and OCD and gave me medication that I refused.

Let me ask you something, do you want to experiment with your family to see if you’ll enjoy it? To give yourself peace of mind from the thoughts from the family and see if you enjoy it? I don’t think so... it isn’t as hard as SO-OCD Or if you want to say you aren’t affected by it then idk.

Look trust me I get what you mean by if you don’t try it you’ll know. Trust me, I know, I first had that thought in my head for a while but then I grew to start thinking that when kissing a girl and imagining it as a dude and getting oral from a girl and imagining it as a dude, I didn’t feel right, I didn’t enjoy it. I then opened my eyes to the girl I liked being there and all the bad emotions lefts and I felt amazing. Of course with OCD, it’ll backfire and now I’m at a point where nothing can help me see the light anymore.

No matter what bub. It’s your life, I can go on and on about this but in the end of the day, you are gonna do what you want. You seem hell bent in going to have sex with other men to find answers and be free from this hell. I’m not gonna stop you, Never wanted to stop you. It has never been my business to get in your way. But I’m not gonna just sit there and say that I didn’t help at all.

23 June 2019 - 20:18

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Unothescore

Yeah man it’s really tough! Definitely when the mind wants to specifically put on person in their then it gets harder. But hey man, we can get through this! One way or another... don’t break anything please. It isn’t worth having stuff broken and you getting hurt from it. Don’t get discouraged and hope the appointment goes well. You’ve been through this before and can get through it again.

23 June 2019 - 21:58

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My question is, why are any of you still testing? Its a compulsion...the more you test the more the thoughts come. For example if you fear that you left the door open, if you check, after 10 seconds, you will feel the need to check again. Its a little more complex with so-ocd...but its the same idea. Stop all testing. First time i got these thoughts, i tried masturbating to gay porn (i've been having sex with women and masturbating to straight porn for years), i didnt feel anything, i didnt get an errection, but the thought that i must continue to be 100% percent that nothing happens was still there, which means its the doubting disease (another name for ocd). I still ask myself all kind of questions from time to time, but if i'm not tired/stressed i realise instantly its my compulsions again and i stop doing them. I've tried all kind of methods, but the best one is accepting that all these thoughts are part of me (and of human nature, homosexual sex has been part of this world since the beginning, killing, violent sex, sex with relatives...you name it, its been there since humans started existing) and living with these thoughts (the moment you trully accept this, the thoughts will stop coming, or will come like for 10 minutes every day, or every week). I mean i might even have a homosexual part, or a criminal part...it does not matter, what matters is what you do. The action/reality. I would have no problem telling everyone i'm gay, i would even enjoy to see their faces, having gay sex would also not be a problem, i think i would probably enjoy it a little, because its still sex and we are sexual beings, my only problem is that this wouldnt solve anything because i've had several themes, some which are illegal, so i would not want to try and see if its fear/anxiety or pleasure that i'm feeling. Trying, its the same as testing with masturbation, its still a compulsion.

That being said, everyone can do what they want. So if you want to experiment, go ahead and do it. 

24 June 2019 - 0:55

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Having read most of the posts on here let me say one thing that stands out clearly to me. You are freaking out because you can't square these thoughts with how you have felt about yourself all this time. The key point here is the anxiety and the panic, the rest is honestly of little importance. There is nothing wrong with you. NOTHING at all. There are two possibilities here and only 2 one is that you are suffering from OCD which I agree with everyone here is BY FAR the more likely given the nature of how these thoughts arose for you and not having a history of them during your teenage sexual development years. That's just not how being gay normally works. But 2 sure let's entertain the idea that you are gay. That's hardly the end of the world. It may not be what you want right now and it might come as a shock but let's entertain the idea for a bit without the panic. Can you accept this possibility? If it were true could you accept it. Some part of your mind is telling you NO I CAN'T, which is where the panic and OCD comes in. But it really changes nothing about you as a person. Remeber too that what you can't accept is the fact that you are having these thoughts. You can't really do anything about that, pushing them away and denying you are having them is what makes them worse. Maybe see if you can just be curious about them. Entertain the idea ok what if I WAS gay...?

You said you wanted to try it out. Well I mean there is nothing wrong with that assuming both parties are consenting adults. Here's an idea. Go to a gay bar. I think you would find pretty quickly you would know one way or the other as you slowly explored that path whether you were truly gay. One possibility may be that you are bisexual or some part bisexual. Honestly a huge number of people are to some degree.

I'm not saying you ARE any of these. I think by far the most likely is you are just suffering from OCD, it's a chameleon and just because you experienced it one way in the past doesn't mean you won't experience it in a new way in the future.

The easiest way to make OCD worse is to fight it. It looses its power when you accept the thoughts and try to explore them curiously. Oh this is interesting. I wonder why I'm having these thoughts. Doesn't mean they mean anything, but maybe they do. Doesn't mean they mean what you think they mean either.

24 June 2019 - 1:14

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smilax I like your post it makes very logical sence but I am at a point now where I I just feel now I don’t need to go to  a gay bar to know that I am gay i just know. I have no gay friends to go out with to gay bars and would feel really weird just going on my own. But like you said there is possibility that I could be bisexual which means I have been brainwashed into thinking it OCD rather than accepting me desires which had left me severely depressed for years I am 34 and this happened started to get bad when I was 18 I was probably 16 when it first started and I started noticing guys and checking them out when I went to college so I think this could me realising I was gay but just didn’t want to be due how my friends picture gay people and how homophobic comments were flown around probably kept me in the closet.

24 June 2019 - 1:52

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Hello Smilax and thank you for such a great post. It’s true, there is nothing either being gay. It’s how people are they live that, they love whoever they love. You prove an amazing point which opens a lot of eyes. That’s what some people really need to understand is that there is nothing wrong with being gay. Now all of us know that OCD can really out ya at a point of just terrible states.

Blade, if you really think you are gay, and that you have been brainwashed for it to be OCD then why do you keep coming to this forum? There must be a valid reason why since everyone here experiences OCD? You have seen others have the same exact thoughts as you and the same exact feelings as you. But yet you still tell yourself it’s not OCD. And while you tell yourself that, and basically out yourself to your girlfriend. You still are obsessing, still checking, and still coming an OCD forum for reassurance but aren’t willing to abide by it because of how strong the grip this things has on you. Smilax even agrees that it’s most likely OCD because oh how you would write on your posts and how this didn’t affect you during the teenage sexual development years. Usually during these years, you kind of find out who you are. Now if your telling when you in these stages that you would masturbate to the thoughts of men during that time and naturally have thoughts about being with a man, then blade that’s a different story. But you never said that happened. You never said that it might’ve started while you were sixteen. You just said it started because an old lady told you that her ex husband was bisexual and you reminded her of him. You even said before you would always try be with girls and loves the sex with women. What happened to that?

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