told my girlfriend

19 June 2019 - 23:03

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so think I have just come out to my girlfriend which obviously was a lot of tears from us both as I am so confused. I feel completely different to you guys/girls on here where you offer disgust and no liking the thought where I actually feel like I want to act on these thoughts. I imagine kissing men and I like it have I just been clouded by been told it’s Ocd because I didn’t want to accept true desires and was easy for me to put a disorder to it. My girlfriend believes that this can’t be OCD as I actually like the thoughts. I feel like I am going to explode with all this if I just don’t let go and go out and act on something I feel I want to do. I watch gay pornography as and want to feel what they feel within the sexual act. This is effecting my mental health in a big scale now and just feel like I am potentially in the wrong website l. Yes my thoughts plague me day in day out but will going out and acting on it make me feel better and help me gather confirmation. This seems like a big case of denial to me and almost feel the stereotypical action of i have always known I am gay i just didn’t want to be. Please any advice and guidance would be greatly appreciated and also from openly gay people on here who could offer support

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20 June 2019 - 0:21

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Why would you want to be something you fear? I'm gay and I never questioned it or broke down because of it because I want to be gay and I knew I was gay ever since I was very young. I bet you only had these thoughts until recently. If you really like the thoughts you wouldn't be crying and you would want to leave the relationship but you don't you're just depressed which is what's causing the fear of denial. OCD is very tricky like this. I suggest watching Chrissie Hodges on youtube as she's very good with pure ocd. I only get depressed about being gay not because I don't like it. But the fact people look down on me and thinking I'm lower than them or fearing they would be something like me that's what makes me upset. I don't want to be someone that makes people go. "Thank god I'm not like him". Just hang in there the good days are coming

20 June 2019 - 8:24

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I started like this when I was 19 by a passing comment I am now 34. 

20 June 2019 - 11:11

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Hi Blade118,

I might be not the best advicer in this case as I am confused myself. However, it's very possible that you have suffered from HOCD since you were 19. I've seen people on this forum who told they had been suffering from OCD for 30-40 years.
Media likes creating an impression that anyone can turn gay anytime. However, if you read articles about real gay people (with names, surnames, photos, not some hypothetical anonymous ones), they all say they always knew they were gay. Look, PleaseHelp1998 told in his reply above that he knew he was gay from the very young age. I read an article recently about homosexual girl who also told she always knew she was homosexual. Many years ago I also read an article in the newspaper about a gay man. When giving interview, he was 27 years old and I remember he told in that article that it's not like you are 27 and you realize you are gay. He said he always knew he was gay.
I think anyone of us who think we just turned gay during years should think twice about it if it's indeed realistic because our situations do not seem to match with those of truly homosexual people.

20 June 2019 - 11:58

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It's weird how most people start sexual ocd fears around 18-20. My pocd developed 3 months ago and I'm 20. I know some people start later or earlier but it's weird how this age range in particular is when it starts up

20 June 2019 - 12:28

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thanks for the replies. But I feel I want to go out and try it. I agree to a certain point that people know they are gay at a young age but there are also people out there that supress these thoughts and feeling and are in denial. I imagine myself been with a man in a sexual way with a man but am refusing to act on it at the moment as I am scared I might like it and scared to come out due society. Everyone in here says they get disgusted by the thoughts but I am the opposite 

20 June 2019 - 18:06

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people who are truly in denial will not say things like “i bet i’m just in denial and i really am what i fear i am.” being in denial would mean you’d deny every reason that proves it, and make up reasons as to why it’s not true. people with OCD on the other hand, analyze how they feel to what they’re afraid of and they take every tiny thing as proof. they don’t deny the “proof”, they accept it and it just freaks them out more.

20 June 2019 - 18:59

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I am not gonna say to not do it. What I am gonna say is think it through. See right now I’m at an all time low. Let me tell you something, as much thoughts as we get and the amount of times we check how we feel, in the end causes anxiety. I was taught a valuable lesson which was that anxiety can really convince you no matter what the thoughts are. I had suicidal OCD (or I think I did) and yea before that, I would say fuck my life or I’ll go kill myself in front of people when dumb stuff happened but in reality I’m not suicidal and those thoughts and words wouldn’t effect me, but one day I felt the utmost anxiety ever in my life thinking that. I then started to believe I was suicidal because of the anxiety, it made feel depressed and anxious which caused more thoughts to happen. It was that bad where I almost went and grabbed a knife one day and my aunts gun(she’s a cop) the other day due to how bad my anxiety was. Did I want to die? Hell no... I’m scared of death, been since I was a kid. But at those times, I was convinced that I wanted to hurt myself or end my life. Have I ever done those things before no. My mind would give thoughts that everyone hated me and that their lives would be great without me. Did I believe it? At the time yes because it FELT like it. I FELT like I wanted to die BUT I KNEW that I wanted live and prosper on to live a great life. But did my mind care? No. I then proceeded to go to a chat in the suicidal hotline website. Why? Because maybe they will have the answers and may help these thoughts go away. After an hour of waiting, I got tired and fell asleep, and the next day my thoughts lessened. I then told myself everyday that in the end of these random thoughts will be a tunnel of greatness and everyone loves me. Didn’t work until one day I stopped caring... I said fuck it bro I don’t care anymore and guess what it stopped. Now I do get the thoughts once in a while, however it doesn’t effect as much anymore because I know don’t want to die.

Now, I know how you feel with feeling that you are in denial and that you feel like you enjoy the thoughts. Now I’m gonna tell you something that I told someone else In the forum that Wont mention due to privacy. The lesson was taught from my friend and also has been said by a Homosexual man in this post. I, one day, called my friend who is like an older brother to me. I told him I felt like I’m gay and I think I may be gay cause of that. He then proceeded to ask me questions like when these thoughts come up do you enjoy it and do you want it and I said idk but it feels like I do. He then stopped me and said this, “See here is where you aren’t understanding, it’s not what you feel it’s what you know. If you are saying you think you are gay because you feel like it then you aren’t because it doesn’t work like that. Josh (my name), you love milk right?” I said yeah. “Do you feel like you love milk or do you know?” And I sat there thinking and I said I know. That’s the key. Now you brung people Suppressing there feelings and that you get constant thoughts of doing sexual acts with men and you feel like you enjoy it. That basically everyone with Sexual Orientation OCD. They first get the thought and the anxiety makes them feel like they like it, which then causes them to check. Now you said while checking gay porn you feel like you like, welcome to all of our worlds. I always feel like I like it, I then proceed to convince myself that I do, telling myself I enjoy it, but I can’t get it up, I can’t ejaculate while watching gay porn or gay thoughts. There are times for god sakes I feel like I should come out because I want the damn obsessions to end. Are they? Hell No. because his This isn’t a sexual Identity Crisis... it’s OCD. People with POCD, Incest OCD, ROCD, any type of OCD FEEL like they enjoy or want to do those certain acts. But in reality they don’t. For god sakes it feels like I’m in love with numerous amounts of men form just looking... am I? No but my mind and anxiety doesn’t give a fuck.

As much as we can give you, we aren’t miracle workers, we aren’t professionals. We are people who suffer from something and want to make sure others don’t. It’s up to you. If you want to go and have sex with other men to find out an answer then go ahead, no ones stopping you. But let me tell you this, People who are in denial, don’t need to test because they know. Now you might’ve seen come out stories that said oh I found out later in life that I’m gay/bi/ whatever. But in the story they always say, I did have crushes during my young life but I suppressed it and ignored it. Now you’ll probably think “oh what if I suppressed it? I must’ve, I’m in denial” that’s thing.. it’s a what if.

Blade you do what you want. No one can stop but yourself. But all I’m gonna say is don’t do something you know you’ll regret. Hope you find the light.

 

20 June 2019 - 21:10

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I’m not going to tell you what to do mate but I want you to step back and think for a second....

Are you currently in therapy? 

 

20 June 2019 - 21:36

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I also wont say dont do it, if you think this is what you want go ahead. Anything we do in life is a choice. I've read several or your posts and message and i still think that you are not gay, if you were gay, you would know from when you were 14-16...or even younger. I have a few questions, which i also asked myself: what will do you do if you dont like it? what will you do if you like it a little? what will you do if you like it? also...did you have any other ocd themes...what will you do about those themes/thoughts?

20 June 2019 - 21:40

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Ahh and i also remember telling my girlfriend that sometimes i think i'm gay and she said go ahead and try it, you will 100% not like it. These thoughts (all ocd themes) are part of human nature (our past, millions of years of evolution, imagine how violent our past was, how sex was 2000 years ago...), the only difference for ocd people is that our brain is sticky...like it finds a thought you fear and like glue you only think about that content...and yes sometimes you come to the conclussion that the only possible motive for having this thought is because you actually like the content of the thought...and yes testing if you actually like it, is the ultimate compulsion (like we test by watching gay porn, we test by trying to masturbate to gay porn, we test by imagining all kind of situations and so on...but its still testing....).

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