Terrified of schizophrenia and struggling

21 October 2016 - 18:09

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Hi everyone! 

This is my first post. I'm really struggling right now... 

I was diagnosed with OCD about 3 months ago and I'm convinced that something else must be terribly wrong. I'm convinced that I must be going crazy. 

Initionally, I had a song stuck in my head for weeks and it caused me a great deal of distress, I couldn't sleep etc. I kept thinking of it (which I now know was the problem). After that, things just went downhill. 

I had some thoughts that scared me, a few about harming my pet, a couple inappropriate ones regarding kids, some about not being able to control myself in public and in turn I'd end up hitting someone, behaving strangly or yell out something racist. These sent me into a frenzy. 

For a week I could not relax and was full of anxiety. I was on a trip with friends, the intrusive thoughts had stopped but the anxious feeling remained.

Upon arriving home, the feelings worsened and I broke down, I was going crazy.  Something was wrong and I was about to "lose it". I almost committed myself but my boyfriend had me see a psychologist instead. 

For whatever reason, when I thought I was going crazy, it stuck and has not left. It has turned into the worst experience of my life. It has latched on to every bizarre thought and symptom possible. For weeks I couldn't leave the house because I thought I was going to hear voices (I still do), then when I would drive, I thought I was hallucinating people on the street etc and I'd have to drive around the block to double check. I take pictures to make sure I'm not hallucinating. I even once recorded some music I heard from a party down the street. I was pretty sure it was real but I felt better recording it so that if I doubted myself later someone else could hear it too and this would reassure me. I also plug my ears all the time to make sure I'm not hearing voices.

It then went to the fear of becoming delusional, your thoughts are being controlled, your food is poisoned, your thoughts are voices, etc. it never EVER ends. I know my thoughts are not being controlled and all the other stuff is nonsense but it horrible. The thought stays for weeks. What if you think you can talk to your pet.. Some I can shake off others are downright terrifying. Then it jumped from external voices to the fear of internal voices.

Now as soon as one fear goes away, another comes and it's nastier and scarier than the last. I'm doing CBT but as you know, it takes time and it's scary for me facing these fears as I doubt and think they may come true. I do hear and have bizarre thoughts when falling asleep. I used to actually enjoy these as it meant I was falling into a dream state, now I dread then and fear they will become real voices. 

When I can rationalize that it's all fear it's hard for me to sit still and I just think and think, which my doc says is another form of checking. I cannot relax and do not know how to let things be.

Can OCD really be this bad and evil?? Jumping from one thing to another within the same fear? Truly making you believe and feel these things? Why won't it stop if I want it to? I try to let the thoughts pass but they scare me and I have panic attacks when they pass through me. It feels like i want to die and that I need to check myself into a hospital.  I guess the only way to get better is to be okay with going crazy and this is so hard for me. I don't want it to happen. I'm so tired of this.

Does OCD tend to get nastier and scarier as it progresses? I feel like it started with 'you're crazy" and has evolved into "what if the TV wanted to steal your thoughts?". There's a huge difference and it has just gotten more specific and detailed. Does OCD do this??? Is this how it works? Because "going crazy" stopped scaring me, it had to create something that would? i don't know. 

 Ugh. Any advice would be so helpful. Thank you all! And my apologies for the long post. 

 

This post has been thanked 1 time. 21 October 2016 - 18:29

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That's exactly what obsessive thoughts do when they impact your anxiety based responses. Schiz is a very unusual illness, which I believe is relatively rare if you were to account for the amount of drug-induced psychosis statistics, at least on a severe level. Much like anxiety, OCD, developmental disorders like ADHD and depression, shiz is a spectrum illness: people can have some symptoms that are almost notice-less that go away permanently, others can have it more severely and experience similar sorts of things that someone would have on a drug trip that require antipsychotics. 

I can't tell you the odds of having this condition (if you're over 25 then I can tell you that you almost certainly never have it) but I can tell you that through basic mathematical odds, its unlikely. And none of what you've described gives any indication of it, but rather suggests you've looked it up online and scared yourself with the amount of detail that's been given to you. As for these thoughts, they are intrusive thoughts of doubt and uncertainty followed by a fearful response, which is typical of OCD where someone misperceives their thoughts and overestimates the danger of mental events. The anxious reaction should remind you that you are pretty perfectly grounded in to reality and that your issue is not misperceiving reality, its the complete other way around: you're misperceiving thoughts and as a result not realizing that thoughts are differentiated from reality/what actually happens (thought about hitting dog and actually doing so are different events). Keep up with the CBT and explore how you're worrying about these thoughts and how you can approach them from a different perspective.

Mindfulness, and integrative therapy may also help, but consult a professional on this to allow yourself the best chances. One last thing, I had fears a couple of years ago about these kinds of things, but its honestly incredible how your thoughts can deceive you in to believing that they somehow have meaning beyond being abstract ideas. You'll notice this when you're over your fears and able to fully appreciate your life and potentially even overcome this. I hope this advice helps you

21 October 2016 - 18:41

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Thank you for your reply!

I'm just having the hardest of times and had the worst sleep. I don't get how this fear is still going strong, months later. I saw you mention that if I were over 25 that I was pretty much in clear.. I of course looked up symptoms, onset age etc and for women its later 25-35. I'm 34 now but was 33 when this started, so when I saw that, I nearly died. I promised myself, I will no longer go online looking at symptoms and stories etc.. I tend to mimic whatever I find. Again, thank you for replying and I hope you're well! And, yes, I pray that one day I can look back at how ridiculous these fears were. 

 

22 October 2016 - 20:24

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Well  hope this doesn't sound a little obvious but at least you're about to pass the age range. In a few years time you'll realize you have no issue with how you perceive the world. And definitely keep the looking up to a minimum: for me I looked up philosophical ideas that would make someone even without an anxiety disorder anxious and stressed. What I read online completely changed my life and for periods, meant I was stressed and fearful from the moment I got up to the moment I went to sleep. All because of researching an idea. The internet thankfully was also my solution to this in the end, but its better to not to waste time worrying over meaningless stuff. Make it easier for yourself.

25 October 2016 - 14:18

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Hi noey. This definetly sounds like OCD cause your stuck in the worry and doubt about whether anything your thinking is real. Trust me you do not have schizophrenia. I have a brother who has it so i somewhat know what they go through and there behavours. OCD can get really really bad. 3 years ago when it started with me i started getting thoughts that i was a chosen one of god. But i didnt wanna be. But was I? It was complete hell as i did believe in god but since i didnt wanna believe my thoughts they started telling me "well God is gonna destroy you then" and i got even worse. I never attempted suicide but i did hold a knife to my wrist yelling at myself to just get it over with cause i was sick of the thoughts. I initially thought schizophrenia as well but i wasnt hearing voices. I felt like my thoughts were trying to force me how to think. So i can sort of understand you. If you need to talk. Feel free to message me.

19 February 2020 - 18:27

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Hi Noey,

are you any better. this is exactly what is happening to me. i am desperate for help.

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