21 October 2016 - 18:09
This is my first post. I'm really struggling right now...
I was diagnosed with OCD about 3 months ago and I'm convinced that something else must be terribly wrong. I'm convinced that I must be going crazy.
Initionally, I had a song stuck in my head for weeks and it caused me a great deal of distress, I couldn't sleep etc. I kept thinking of it (which I now know was the problem). After that, things just went downhill.
I had some thoughts that scared me, a few about harming my pet, a couple inappropriate ones regarding kids, some about not being able to control myself in public and in turn I'd end up hitting someone, behaving strangly or yell out something racist. These sent me into a frenzy.
For a week I could not relax and was full of anxiety. I was on a trip with friends, the intrusive thoughts had stopped but the anxious feeling remained.
Upon arriving home, the feelings worsened and I broke down, I was going crazy. Something was wrong and I was about to "lose it". I almost committed myself but my boyfriend had me see a psychologist instead.
For whatever reason, when I thought I was going crazy, it stuck and has not left. It has turned into the worst experience of my life. It has latched on to every bizarre thought and symptom possible. For weeks I couldn't leave the house because I thought I was going to hear voices (I still do), then when I would drive, I thought I was hallucinating people on the street etc and I'd have to drive around the block to double check. I take pictures to make sure I'm not hallucinating. I even once recorded some music I heard from a party down the street. I was pretty sure it was real but I felt better recording it so that if I doubted myself later someone else could hear it too and this would reassure me. I also plug my ears all the time to make sure I'm not hearing voices.
It then went to the fear of becoming delusional, your thoughts are being controlled, your food is poisoned, your thoughts are voices, etc. it never EVER ends. I know my thoughts are not being controlled and all the other stuff is nonsense but it horrible. The thought stays for weeks. What if you think you can talk to your pet.. Some I can shake off others are downright terrifying. Then it jumped from external voices to the fear of internal voices.
Now as soon as one fear goes away, another comes and it's nastier and scarier than the last. I'm doing CBT but as you know, it takes time and it's scary for me facing these fears as I doubt and think they may come true. I do hear and have bizarre thoughts when falling asleep. I used to actually enjoy these as it meant I was falling into a dream state, now I dread then and fear they will become real voices.
When I can rationalize that it's all fear it's hard for me to sit still and I just think and think, which my doc says is another form of checking. I cannot relax and do not know how to let things be.
Can OCD really be this bad and evil?? Jumping from one thing to another within the same fear? Truly making you believe and feel these things? Why won't it stop if I want it to? I try to let the thoughts pass but they scare me and I have panic attacks when they pass through me. It feels like i want to die and that I need to check myself into a hospital. I guess the only way to get better is to be okay with going crazy and this is so hard for me. I don't want it to happen. I'm so tired of this.
Does OCD tend to get nastier and scarier as it progresses? I feel like it started with 'you're crazy" and has evolved into "what if the TV wanted to steal your thoughts?". There's a huge difference and it has just gotten more specific and detailed. Does OCD do this??? Is this how it works? Because "going crazy" stopped scaring me, it had to create something that would? i don't know.
Ugh. Any advice would be so helpful. Thank you all! And my apologies for the long post.