staring

13 January 2014 - 13:03

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I have asperger's, bipolar and an ocd, i am in my late 30s (female). I was diagnosed with AS and bipolar 3 months ago but had good psychological treatment for depression last year and I was told I had ocd last year.

I had bad psychological treatment 4 years previously.

My ocd is staring at mixed race and black boys or men and smirking afterwards. I stare until they look back. Most are from a group of gangs ( they have gang tattoos on them). they are in their mid teens, 20s mainly.

I don't know I have done it unless my partner tells me. I have in the past when I was manic and single, had one night stands which is disgusting but also more disgusting just been picked up in two minutes.

I always talked these people up and put my partner down. I had psychological treatment last year and was in control but the ocd recently came back a couple of weeks ago, again staring at a boy in his teens and it was only because my partner said it happened that I realised what had happened.

I had an incident where I was drooling over a teenage boy in a shop in front of my partner. I zoned out I was so far gone.

It is disgusting and very borderline and incredibly disturbing. I am not aware of what I am thinking before I start staring. I am on mood stabilisers and I am asking for a referral for intense ocd treatment.

Has anyone experienced the same ocd and behaviour? if so, did you ever get to the bottom of it so you know why it happens and why so young?

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14 January 2014 - 23:34

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Hi ocdpatient

Welcome to the forum.

I'm in the process of getting tested for Asperger's syndrome which I might get answers to that one soon. Sometimes the reasons why we do something can be so complicated but if you understand why that's the thing. One thing that does come to mind is do you tend to daydream when you are out and about as you could be daydreaming and to someone else it might seem like you are staring at them. (I have those kind of moments)

If you feel yourself staring try moving your head around so that it doesn't seem like staring.

Do you tend to stare at other groups of people maybe staring at an elderly person? I know I shouldn't use the term urge but it sure is hard to break the ocd urge whether it be rumination, staring to tapping objects or hoarding, it sort of feels it has to be done or else you just don't feel right.

All the best

Graeme

15 January 2014 - 15:46

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Thanks Graeme. No I do not stare at other groups of people and I am not daydreaming anymore. Its like a fixation that I have to break. It looks perverted. I am disappointed as I thought I mastered my OCD but mania has set in and now its come back as dangerous and disgusting as before

15 January 2014 - 15:57

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Hi ocdpatient,

You need to apply the same CBT techniques to this as you did to your other forms of OCD.

Try not to be so hard on yourself, we all have the occasional set back with our OCD and just need to acknowledge this and realise that if we are kind to ourselves then we can go on to deal with the set back.

15 January 2014 - 20:02

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I agree with what Truddles is saying try not to be so hard on yourself because life in general will have setbacks but it's the way we think about the situations that could end up making it worse than what it is.

16 January 2014 - 10:39

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Thanks to both of you for your comments. They are reassuring. My problem is that I was no longer having compulsions, I was starting to feel like a normal person walking down the street and now, because mania has set in, I had a relaspe. I NEVER want a relaspe again, whatever my mood, as this is a very dangerous OCD and what's more I don't know when I am staring at someone unless it is pointed out to me, so what happens if my partner is not there to point it out to me? I carry on, unaware, staring and getting into a dangerous situation where someone approaches me, say a thug, thinking I want sex and i could be assaulted or seen as a slag or someone who is into people who I am old enough to be their mother. How do I stop relaspes altogether whilst having bipolar and AS? It is the most humiliating disgusting despicable thing I have to deal with. I feel like scum. Its hurt my partner to his core that he has lost all his confidence and he was a very happy go lucky man when I met him.

16 January 2014 - 11:19

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You are not alone with this problem. I sadly had similar experiences with young men aged 17/19/21 I am a 37 year old woman from a good family, My OCD led me to do things I regret. I have now made a full recovery after dealing with this for many years. You are doing all the right things. Keep up your mindfullness, go over the process as many times a day as you can, stay focused and go for deeper OCD treatment and exposure treatment or whatever it takes. You will get past this. I wish you well and remember your illness makes you behave this way, it isn't the real you. Hope this helps.

16 January 2014 - 12:44

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Thanks very much Sally for your post. Its a horrendous thing to go through but it helps to hear that another lady, my age has gone through this as well and made a full recovery

16 January 2014 - 14:52

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Glad I could help. Remember to stayed focused and practice the techqniques

16 January 2014 - 18:01

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Thanks Sally.

17 January 2014 - 10:13

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Read your post again, sounds like you have manic episodes and also may have been hyper sexual during your mania which was a big problem for me. I have learnt how to monitor my own behaviour, so I can tell when I become manic. It can be a very rough life when you have to deal with multiple mental health issues, but I can assure you all will be OK, as you are taking all the right steps. Work on being self aware, so you are in control of when your staring and also know when your manic. Google for info on self awareness and mania. If I can get through this with my past (Due to illness) and all the mistakes I made, I know you will too. Keeping fit also helps, I run and cycle. Eat well and surround yourself with good people, this will also help. I wish you all the best with your recovery and your future

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