12 August 2019 - 14:12
So I am currently on the waiting list to see a CBT counsellor, and obviously I want to get the best out of therapy and benefit as much as possible, however I'm scared that if I tell them everything they'll think I'm a criminal and get me arrested. I've never wanted to actually hurt anyone AT ALL, but I feel I can't be trusted around small children and may impulsively do something, just 'because i can' or to self-sabotage myself, which sounds strange, because of course I want to happy and don't want to hurt anyone, but it's like my brains thinking even though I don't want to do it, I'm gonna do it anyway, if that makes sense? Maybe it serves as a form of self punishment or something, I don't know ,because harming someone else is the worst possible thing I can think of doing and it would cause me so much pain. I also ruminate on events to see if I actually did harm anyone, and some im still doubtful about, so if I say I'm not sure if I actually did hurt someone or not, what will happen? Has anyone been arrested because of OCD, or actually acted out on an urge or impulsively? I'm terrified of that happening. I don't want to be a bad person at all, I just want to be able to help people and look after my younger brother, I don't want this at all!
oh, and I also want to mention that when I was telling my doctor that I have intrusive thoughts about harming people, he asked me if I've ever actually acted on those thoughts. Why would he ask me that if OCD is just an overthinking disorder?