6 December 2017 - 17:57
Hi everyone, this is my first time posting on the forum. I've had OCD since I was a child, I had an older dad and I was always worried about him dying so I'd do things to stop that from happening. I remember having so much distress as a child and would often only get a few hours sleep because I'd be up so long doing compulsions, such as having to walk up and down the stairs many times, turning lights on and off, having to tap bits of furniture in a certain routine etc.. Since then I don't have as many physical compulsions, for the last few years it's mostly been mental which I find much worse and harder to cope with Right now I am so terrified that I've done something horrible and wrong like sexually assaulted someone. I don't have a memory of doing this but I am always convincing myself I did something wrong while drunk, or I've just forgotten about it. It's horrible to live with, I feel so anxious and unhappy. I feel like I just need to know if I've done something wrong, I just can't live in this uncertainty. Every time I try to feel happy I tell myself I shouldn't be since I've been such a bad person, that I deserve the guilt. I even fixate on certain memories, like nights out which I don't remember because I was drinking, it's like the OCD fills in the gaps and tells me I've done bad things. I'm always terrified the police will turn up at my door and tell me I've done something wrong, I couldn't live with myself knowing I'd hurt anyone I always reassure myself by thinking that if I had done something wrong then I would know about it by now? I am constantly checking the Facebook profile's of people that I fear I've hurt, and telling myself that if I had hurt them they would have deleted me? I am just constantly searching my memories and reassuring myself but it never seems to help.
Any advice would be amazing, or even if people are going through something similar so I feel less alone. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to in real life because people try to help by just saying 'don't be silly', but they don't understand the distress and anxiety I'm feeling. I went to a psychologist for a while and it helped temporarily but the anxiety just comes back, sometimes worse than before.