8 January 2020 - 16:34
So my situation is this:
I suffer from OCD, which occurs in sexual/violent intrusive thoughts (often towards children, family, friends etc). It has been continuing for years now.
My problem is that I suffer from obsessive thoughts about same sex attraction as well. For example, I'm afraid of for example inviting my heterosexual friends over because I'm afraid that I might do something gay with them. I have long thought that it's just part of my OCD and all therapists that i've seen have said that I'm not gay, it's just my mind telling me things. This has blurred my ability to feel my emotions so badly that I'm not even able to get aroused anymore. I'm just fucking anxious all the time.
I'm now 28 years old (male) and I've only had sex with women during my life (except one time when I slept with a guy and that was weird). I've only watched porn where there's a man and a woman, two women or one woman. Lately I've been trying to watch gay porn to see if I'm aroused by it but it always just fucking disgusts me or I'll just laught about it because that usually seems like something that I don't want to do. I've spent countless hours of experimenting which turns me on more, women or men and this has just led me to a state of sexual confusion. I even slept with a man to try it out, last summer. I actually enjoyed being with him and I developed quite strong feelings towards him but when he invited me over to sleep with him, I just felt fucking weird about it (and bad because he is an awesome person and he had definetely made himself look as good as possible just for me). I actually, at one point, found myself thinking that I could see myself in a relationship with him, which doesn't usually happen with women.
However, there is a guy that I know and I feel that I'm genuinely attracted to him. I can't stop thinking about him and every time I see him, I get this good feeling that I want to be with him. It gives me pleasure to watch him and every time he sends me a message, I feel this comforting feeling that I just like him. Couple of times I've even masturbated and kind of thought that I'd be having sex with him and it has felt surprisingly good.
The truth is that during the last autumn I noticed that I experienced attractions mainly towards my own sex. Sometimes towards opposite sex as well but the fact that I've felt those feelings towards my own sex, has confused me. But every time I start thinking about kissing them or having sex with them, I get confused because I'm not sure if I want to do it since the idea of gay sex kinda disgusts me or feels fucking weird i dunno.
Last weekend when I hooked up with a girl, I couldn't even turn on properly which led me being super fucking ashamed of myself because that hadn't happened for a long time. Couldn't even get a proper boner going. The girl is fucking hot and beautiful and I couldn't even turn on properly. Shit.
So I just wanted to share my experience to you. Should I ask the guy out that I was talking about? I really enjoy being with him but I don't know if it's just my OCD talking.