Same sex attractions and OCD

8 January 2020 - 16:34

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Hello

So my situation is this:

I suffer from OCD, which occurs in sexual/violent intrusive thoughts (often towards children, family, friends etc). It has been continuing for years now. 

My problem is that I suffer from obsessive thoughts about same sex attraction as well. For example, I'm afraid of for example inviting my heterosexual friends over because I'm afraid that I might do something gay with them. I have long thought that it's just part of my OCD and all therapists that i've seen have said that I'm not gay, it's just my mind telling me things. This has blurred my ability to feel my emotions so badly that I'm not even able to get aroused anymore. I'm just fucking anxious all the time.

I'm now 28 years old (male) and I've only had sex with women during my life (except one time when I slept with a guy and that was weird). I've only watched porn where there's a man and a woman, two women or one woman. Lately I've been trying to watch gay porn to see if I'm aroused by it but it always just fucking disgusts me or I'll just laught about it because that usually seems like something that I don't want to do. I've spent countless hours of experimenting which turns me on more, women or men and this has just led me to a state of sexual confusion. I even slept with a man to try it out, last summer. I actually enjoyed being with him and I developed quite strong feelings towards him but when he invited me over to sleep with him, I just felt fucking weird about it (and bad because he is an awesome person and he had definetely made himself look as good as possible just for me). I actually, at one point, found myself thinking that I could see myself in a relationship with him, which doesn't usually happen with women.

However, there is a guy that I know and I feel that I'm genuinely attracted to him. I can't stop thinking about him and every time I see him, I get this good feeling that I want to be with him. It gives me pleasure to watch him and every time he sends me a message, I feel this comforting feeling that I just like him. Couple of times I've even masturbated and kind of thought that I'd be having sex with him and it has felt surprisingly good.

The truth is that during the last autumn I noticed that I experienced attractions mainly towards my own sex. Sometimes towards opposite sex as well but the fact that I've felt those feelings towards my own sex, has confused me. But every time I start thinking about kissing them or having sex with them, I get confused because I'm not sure if I want to do it since the idea of gay sex kinda disgusts me or feels fucking weird i dunno. 

Last weekend when I hooked up with a girl, I couldn't even turn on properly which led me being super fucking ashamed of myself because that hadn't happened for a long time. Couldn't even get a proper boner going. The girl is fucking hot and beautiful and I couldn't even turn on properly. Shit.

So I just wanted to share my experience to you. Should I ask the guy out that I was talking about? I really enjoy being with him but I don't know if it's just my OCD talking.

Thanks!

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8 January 2020 - 18:28

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It seems to me that you are bi.

 

This post has been thanked 1 time. 8 January 2020 - 20:08

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I think maybe you could be bisexual but sexuality is such a complex thing. Have you looked up romantic attraction vs sexual attraction? For example, there are some people who are bi-romantic but heterosexual, or homosexual but bi-romantic, or homosexual but heteromantic, etc. Makes things even more complex but it could help you explain some things for yourself perhaps.

To me, it sounds like you are just overly anxious about the whole thing, as you said. I think the anxiety and OCD about wondering what your orientation is is probably why you couldn't get a boner for the hot girl. Anxiety I think can really mess with intimacy and performance. Regardless of if you are gay, bi, or straight. It does sound like there's probably some anxiety/OCD going on surrounding your orientation anyways. Maybe talking with a therapist would be helpful?

8 January 2020 - 20:49

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Thanks for your answers!

I’d say that i get super romantic thoughts towards men from time to time, this means that I can get romantically attracted (saying silly things, knees weak etc) but the idea of fucking someone is.. well not impossible of course but repulsing. I’ve gotten super super aroused in my life by girls in my earlier life.. but usually my mind invents something stupid, for example a famous gay person or a family member popping up in my head and thus ruining the whole act.

I’ve been to therapy but I dont think that my therapist really listened what I had to say. Honestly, just posting this here and you guys replying made my mind much calmer than before. I’m really considering starting therapy again, no matter how much it costs.

It jus fucks me up that I’d really want to find someone with whom to spend the rest of my life with but it seems impossible because of these thoughts. Be it a man or a woman. I’d just hope that this goddamn anxiety would end. I thought that it would when I tried sleeping with another guy but it just made me more confused. Its just like checking over and over again if I left the oven on or not before leaving the house.

One thing is for sure, I’m not gay. If anything like that, then bisexual.

8 January 2020 - 21:08

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I don’t see your problem here. You don’t get scared or disgusted by the gay thoughts. So what’s the problem then? Just go and enjoy dating a man if it makes you happy. If it doesn’t, then go for girls. 

8 January 2020 - 21:20

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Nah.. I used to get disgusted but now I’m just numb for them. I intentionally started to watch gay porn to make it okay for myself. I no longer get disgusted by it that much but I just find it something that makes me more confused than aroused.

But you’re right, Gus. Maybe I should go for boys also if it feels good. Its only the kissing and fucking that I find something very scary and intrusive if I fantasize about it. This is the paradox. I think of girls. Then I think of some attractive boy. Then I think that what if I have to have sex with him. Then I fantasize about it only to realize I’m more into girls. Then I realize that I’m not into girls anymore because all the thinking. Then the cycle starts all over.

8 January 2020 - 21:21

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It’s so fucked up that it’s actually funny

8 January 2020 - 21:26

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Idk, tbh with you, I think you are straight. What did u use for jerking off during puberty?

8 January 2020 - 21:32

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Idk your story sounds like suffering from hocd rather than forming a bisexual identity. I think you should find an ocd pro. Also can u tell us how it all began?

8 January 2020 - 21:33

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Usually porn where a redhead with big tits rides a guy and moans.

8 January 2020 - 21:36

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And when did you start experiencing these gay thoughts?

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