ROCD and masturbating, very worried!!!!

17 September 2016 - 16:37

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Hello. I really ask for whoever is about to comment to please not make fun of me or try to change my beliefs/wants in a relationship. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now and I love him so absolutely much. We agreed to not watch pornography because we wanted to solely be intimate/lusty with each other and for each other. He agreed and he constantly tells me he only would want to do anything sexual with just me. My boyfriend is incredibly loyal to me. However today he was sleeping and I decided to masturbate. When I masturbate I tend to look at my phone and browse at random stuff, like maybe clothes or cute things. Im not masturbating at these images or looking for something to arouse me. I just browse for fun while i masturbate.. I know its weird but dont judge me.. Well while I was browsing I found some pictures of people, I scrolled past quickly but one picture I looked back on it. It wasn't inappropriate but because I looked back my mind keeps telling me that I only glanced back to see if it was an inappropriate image. The anxiety instantly rolled in. I'm so worried that I was hoping it was a bad image and that I browse to find bad images! I'm really scared. I really don't want to look at anyone else in a sexual way or masturbate to anyone else but images of my boyfriend. But my mind keeps doing a bunch of "what ifs" I'm so terrified I don't want to think I did something unloyal!!

17 September 2016 - 17:43

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If you wanted to look at porn, or inappropriate images of people, you simply would. You did nothing wrong. And even if you did want it to be porn, it isnt because you want to be "un-loyal" to your boyfriend, it simply means you are a human who is attracted to other humans. Not a big deal. You're okay. 

17 September 2016 - 17:59

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Yeah but I really don't feel attraction for other people other than my boyfriend. I have seen sexual images and I don't feel anything whereas I would with my boyfriend. I think I was just curious as to what the picture *was* and I glanced back on it, I don't think I hoped for it to be porn. I really am still worried about it. I hope that I didn't break my vow that I wouldn't search/look at people for sexual arousal. I mean I really didn't want to!

17 September 2016 - 18:38

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**mature details**

I am really scared. I mean if I wanted to do something bad like watch porn or something I would've by now. I think it's just OCD making a big deal. But don't know I'm really terrified. I scrolled past another image of a person right after and I started to engage more/moving my hips. Now my OCD is telling me that I started to get into it more because I saw a person. But I didn't even feel aroused by the person and I scrolled past really quickly. But my OCD is telling me that I liked what I saw. My head hurts so badly and It's hard to act normal. I feel so scared!

17 September 2016 - 18:53

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'I think its just OCD making a big deal' That's exactly what it is. Relax, calm down, and realize you are blowing a perfectly normal thing out of proportion. To be perfectly honest, even if you were attracted to other people (which most people are), I don't see how that influences your relationship whatsoever. You're over analyzing things to a pretty high level, so step back and stop allowing your fear to take hold of you.

17 September 2016 - 19:24

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I just don't want to think I had bad intentions and glanced at the images because I wanted to get off on people. I really don't, I love my boyfriend too much and we just don't do that to each other. But my anxiety is making me think that I did have bad intentions and looked at the pictures for bad reasons. I understand some people feel attracted to others but I just don't want to think that I looked at these pictures on purpose and wanted to get off on them. I understand that in some relationships partners are okay with watching porn, but I do not participate in a relationship like that nor do I feel comfortable to... I felt anxiety even while masturbating. But then I stopped browsing and started looking at pictures of my boyfriend and I started to feel extremely aroused, nothing that I was feeling from the normal pics. I tend to get bored while masturbating so I just browse the internet, but now my OCD is like "You browse to purposely run into sexual pics!!!" "You're breaking your promise, you are a bad person!!" "You just want to get off on other people!"

17 September 2016 - 19:41

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Try not to personify your OCD or Anxiety as some kind of separate entity that you cannot control as this is in itself a negative thinking pattern known as a control fallacy. And you need to forget about the content of these doubts and fears as you've identified they are irrational.  You need to focus on how you react to these thoughts  and how you are sensing unnecessary dangers, not delve in to your 'I'm not loyal to my boyfriend' what if-type thinking.

17 September 2016 - 20:11

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The only reason I personify my OCD is to better explain the thoughts in my head. That's exactly what is is like in my head, it's like a voice that tells you all these bad things and practically convinces you of anything. Do you have OCD? Because it's not like I purposely delve into these what if/im unloyal thoughts or can control them. 

17 September 2016 - 20:57

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I know exactly what it's like to have these thoughts. A number of years ago I convinced myself that wishing death upon myself would result in some kind of event that lead to my death. I worried myself sick over these thoughts and couldn't get it out of my head for a number of weeks. The personification of my thoughts was that I was convinced there was an evil side to me thinking 'I wish I was dead' even though I wanted no such thing.

I've gotten past that, and that's exactly why you've got to rationalize these situations, and why I know you can get past this . And yes, you might not be fully aware of it, but you're delving in to the what if questions unnecessarily and you do have control over this. It's very difficult to realize this, I get that, but it is central to CBT theory. 

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